a cathartic venture into restrained-narcissism

– Even after having landed on this rock over 5 decades ago, to this day I still struggle to recognise and understand the world and reality I find myself in.

– What a strange world it is where some of the most aggressive, vain, self obsessed, and almost certainly psychopathic, narcissistic and Machiavellian-like creatures on the planet are also considered, by the uneducated masses, to be the most intelligent and distinguished, – and therefore left to lead and control us, – while they clearly treat us all with the utmost contempt.

– I’ve been swerving all responsibilities – and authorities – most of my earthbound life. I would describe myself as a kind of socially corrupted, culturally subverted, happily introverted, interplanetary Peter Pan.

– After ‘clubbing myself to death’, in and around North/South London, from ’88 – ’96, I’ve spent the last few decades recovering from varying degrees of social anxiety, heavy bouts of clinical depression and mild insomnia. All of my ‘mental health’ conditions pre-existed long before those glorious days of my misspent youth, in one form or another, many tied to my high functioning autism, but the longterm heavy use of amphetamines and hallucinogens, etc, in those younger years, seriously exacerbated each condition considerably, – that is, once all the intensive clubbing/partying ceased.

But, I wouldn’t change a thing as, – clubbing, drugs, music, way too many friends/associates during my prime years, memories that will stay with me forever, a life many could never dream of, let alone understand, even with all the problems that come with that sort of lifestyle? – yeah, totally worth it, – also, it did cure my OCD, and the aftermath forced me to dig deep into my self to find everlasting solutions to lifelong difficulties, and gave me an understanding of others that even surprises me. – I’m not special/intelligent, most certainly not, – I’m just a loser who worked too hard, and played too hard. But, I will just state, – the more conscious I’ve become, the more isolated I find myself, – but I crave solitude 24 hours a day, so it’s no bad thing.

I was also, almost certainly, born with what is now called, – Neonatal Abstinence Syndrome, – or what was once just called withdrawal. My mother was prescribed large doses of Diazepam / Valium during the last 6 months of her pregnancy with me, this appears to have resulted not only in untreated withdrawal, but the knock-on effect of said withdrawal also left me with zero confidence, essentially for my entire life, and is possibly responsible for my various skeletal abnormalities too, – but none of these conditions ever affected my ability to do a hard days work, although I do feel they probably played a large role in my lifestyle choices. And I must stress, I certainly don’t blame my mother for any of my problems, she was, and is an absolute angel, who spent most of her life caring for other people’s children, as a pre-school teacher, as a nanny, and as a specialist nurse looking after severely disabled, and occasionally severely disturbed, children. – The 70’s were a long time ago, and many medications were still in their infancy, to a certain degree.

I realise now that taking drugs helped lower the intensity of the excessive, external stimuli that comes with the weird, overly self-aware, brand of autism I have, – stimuli that used to overwhelm me while straight, – especially when very young, – like I really didn’t like going to new places, or meeting people I didn’t know in my very early years, it was just too overwhelming. Now, I accept that I have a kind of ‘autistic intuition’, giving me a level of awareness that is a curse, just as much as it is a blessing, but back then I was just considered overly shy and anxious. – [Which is probably why I went too far with certain substances in my teens, 20’s and early 30’s, – despite being double-clued up on what I was doing, and taking, – also my dad dying in his early 50’s while I was hitting the clubs and amphetamines pretty hard, probably didn’t help my ‘addictive personality’ issues. But that said, the social freedoms and spontaneity drugs delivered, were quite new experiences for someone like me, and that freedom was certainly more addictive than the drugs themselves.]

[]

– The purpose of this data is to give myself a creative outlet, in the hope of freeing my alien mind from the velvet rut of contentment that it currently resides within, and maybe in the process push myself to confront the myriad of demons that have stalked me since my arrival on this Earth.

– THERAPY, in other words. – Or, maybe I’m attempting to confront my ‘shadow self’, those aspects of my personality that I fear the most, – my weaknesses, my sensitivities?
[]

– It will never be my intention to offend, insult, or hurt any other soul, – of any race, religion, sexuality or creed,
…. but, due to my high functioning autism, I am not the greatest of communicators, and I apologise fully, and in advance, for any distress that might arise due to comments, misunderstandings or subject matter created by me.

– In real life I’m very good at rubbing the wrong people, the wrong way, thus exposing their true nature and personality type. I am endlessly misunderstood, and I mean endlessly.., people mistake my shyness for slyness, my quietness as arrogance, and I generally avoid small talk with others as I find it rather energy-draining, especially with people I don’t know well, – and very occasionally, I get completely overwhelmed by other peoples persistent inconsideration, ignorance, arrogance, hypocrisy, etc, – resulting, over time, [if pushed far enough] in very loud, uncontrollable outbursts of verbal profanities, – and that often gets misunderstood too. I used to apologise and explain myself all the time, about everything, but with age, drugs, and becoming much more self aware, in a relatively good way, – I just don’t give a fuck anymore, – [although I’m doing it right now, here, but purely for personal cathartic purposes]. People are mean, nasty, condescending and belittling to me quite often, just because of my appearance, or my awkward, introverted, autistic behaviours, or my no-filter, colourful language, etc, – but I just choose not to be offended, – while they clearly assume I don’t even notice their snide remarks, dirty looks, or the condescending tone in their voices, etc, simply because, they themselves aren’t at all self-aware, – so I usually just smile and nod in their direction, with my face slightly tilted down, so as not to look provocative, – occasionally I’ll call them out.., depends on what mode I’m in, self-aware mode, or, full-on autistic, matter of fact mode. Taking offence is a choice, not a right, nor a necessity. And, as I’ve discovered over the years, those who choose to be offended, play the victim, etc, are best avoided, as they will come with much unnecessary drama and woe for all those around them.

– Interesting side note, – People who swear often in their everyday interactions/communications, are likely to be much more honest and trustworthy than those who don’t, – it’s a verbal sign that they have no filter, and that they are more authentic and much less likely to be deceptive.

[]

“The very powerful, and the very stupid, have one thing in common, instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views, – which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering.” – Dr Who [Tom Baker]

[]

– all material : corrosiveabuser
*except all videos on next page and below
[All rights to other material on this blog are reserved by the author/artist]

love to ALL, feel no hate

.

.

*

*

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

the therapy cell ~ 2010 [pre MacBook]
.

Revoltech EVA-01 v2.0
.

.

.

.

.