a cathartic venture into restrained-narcissism – and some yet unaddressed ‘shadow work‘ – [updated 2025]

– Even after having landed on this rock over 5 decades ago, to this day I still struggle to recognise and understand the world and reality I find myself in.

– What a strange world it is where some of the most aggressive, vain, self obsessed, and almost certainly psychopathic, narcissistic and Machiavellian-like creatures on the planet are also considered, by the uneducated masses, to be the most intelligent and distinguished, – and therefore left to lead and control us, – while they clearly treat us all with the utmost contempt.

– I’ve been swerving all responsibilities – and authorities – most of my earthbound life. I would describe myself as a kind of socially corrupted, culturally subverted, happily introverted, interplanetary Peter Pan.

– After ‘clubbing myself to death’, in and around North/South London, from ’88 – ’96, I’ve spent the last few decades recovering from varying degrees of social anxiety, heavy bouts of clinical depression and mild insomnia. But, all of my ‘difficulties’ pre-existed long before those glorious days of my misspent youth, in one form or another, many tied to my high functioning autism, but the longterm heavy use of amphetamines and hallucinogens, etc, in those younger years, seriously exacerbated each condition considerably, – that is, once all the intensive clubbing/partying ceased, and I finally came down. – [btw.., I certainly don’t consider myself special, a victim, or anything like that, because of my conditions. If anything I consider myself an under achiever, a loser, – but in a very different way to how most others might interpret those terms.]

– But, I wouldn’t change a thing as, – clubbing, drugs, music, way too many friends/associates during my prime years, memories that will stay with me forever, a life many could never dream of, let alone understand, even with all the problems that come with that sort of lifestyle? – yeah, totally worth it, – also, it did cure my OCD, and the aftermath forced me to dig deep into my self to find everlasting solutions to, – previously, – lifelong difficulties, and gave me an understanding of others that even surprises me. Again, I’m not suggesting I’m special/intelligent, most certainly not, – I’m just a loser who worked too hard, and played too hard. Also, the more conscious I’ve become, – by having to look inward to the degree I have, – the more isolated I find myself, but I’ve always craved solitude, – unless I’m on amphetamines or psychedelics, – so that’s no bad thing.

– Also, I was almost certainly born with what is now called, – Neonatal Abstinence Syndrome, – or what was once just called Withdrawal. My mother was prescribed large doses of Diazepam / Valium during the last 6 months of her pregnancy with me, this appears to have resulted not only in untreated withdrawal, but the knock-on effect of said withdrawal also left me with zero confidence, essentially for my entire life, and is possibly responsible for my various skeletal abnormalities too, – but none of these conditions ever affected my ability to do a hard days work, although I do feel they probably played a large role in my lifestyle choices. And I must stress, I certainly don’t blame my mother for any of my problems, she was, and is an absolute angel, who, despite having 4 sons of her own, also spent many decades of her life caring for other people’s children, as a pre-school teacher, as a nanny, and as a specialist nurse looking after severely disabled, and occasionally severely disturbed, children. – The 70’s were a long time ago, and many medications were still in their infancy, relatively, and so the long term side effects were not yet known.

– I realise now that taking drugs helped lower the intensity of the excessive, external stimuli that comes with the weird, hyper-vigilant, self-aware, brand of autism I have, – stimuli that used to overwhelm me while straight, – especially when very young, – like.., I really didn’t like going to new places, or meeting new people in my very early years, it was just too overwhelming. But, now I accept that I have a kind of ‘introverted intuition’, and the burden of high functioning, autistic levels of ‘hyper-empathy’ and ’emotional hyper-vigilance’, giving me a level of awareness that is much more a curse, than it is a blessing, [a kind of ‘Differentiated Perception’, as Jung would have called it] – but back in the 70’s when I was first medicated for my behaviours/sanity, around the age of 5, I was just considered emotionally and socially hypersensitive, resulting in me as just being labelled overly shy and anxious. – [The ’emotional hyper-vigilance’ and the nervousness that comes with it, due to being too plugged into everyones emotions and everything else 24/7, is probably why I went too far with certain substances in my teens, 20’s and early 30’s, – despite being double-clued up on what I was doing, and taking, – also my dad dying in his early 50’s while I was still hitting the clubs and amphetamines pretty hard, probably didn’t help my ‘addictive personality’ issues. But that said, the social freedoms and spontaneity drugs delivered, – [by blocking my nervous system off from too much external stimuli] – were quite new experiences for someone like me, and those freedoms were certainly more addictive than the drugs themselves, – but I needed one to get the other.] – btw, my ‘hyper-vigilance’ isn’t a result of any external childhood truama, or PTSD per se, but instead having just lived my entire life with a complete and utter lack of confidence, which used to leave me feeling permanently on edge, – but not so much these days.

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– The purpose of this data is to give myself a creative outlet, in the hope of freeing my alien mind from the velvet rut of contentment that it currently resides within, and maybe in the process push myself to confront the myriad of demons that have stalked me since my arrival on this Earth.

– THERAPY, in other words. – Or, maybe I’m attempting to confront my ‘shadow self’, those aspects of my personality that I fear the most, – my weaknesses, my sensitivities, my darker thoughts, my suppressed aggressions, things that might have once embarrassed me, or have slowly eaten away at me over the years, etc?
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– It will never be my intention to offend, insult, or hurt any other soul, – of any race, religion, sexuality or creed,
…. but, due to my high functioning autism, I am not the greatest of communicators, and I apologise fully, and in advance, for any distress that might arise due to comments, misunderstandings or subject matter created by me. – [I guess I should also point out due to my autism, I consider myself to have the emotional age of a very level-headed teenager, and as a direct result of having lived well over 50 years dealing with that difficulty, the wisdom of someone a little older than myself, – [but I don’t consider myself intelligent] – and due to all the hard physical labour, and excessive amounts of ‘various substances’ taken.., physically I feel like I’m around 75 years of age. – So, I’ve essentially ended up as just a very immature, old man, who understands way more than he ever could have wished for… – So yeah, I’m nothing special.., if anything.., I’m cursed.]

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– [This is where I get into severely uneducated autistic detail, with examples, observations, etc, of just how most people view me today, and undoubtably just because of my appearance, odd autistic mannerisms, my no-nonsense approach to everything, my perceived low intelligence, etc. – And, having had no confidence all my life, I would often value the opinions of others, way above my own, – which really used to hurt me, both emotionally and socially. – [But that was before I started to really understand myself, and before I started seeing through the personas of others. – Thank god for drugs, that’s all I’ll say.., for what an eye-opening, mind expanding period of my life that became.., meditation too.., and a solid family unit.] – So, please feel free to skip the rest of this nonsense. – What follows is just personal, therapeutic text/rambling, and definitely not intended to hurt anyone, no matter how negative it may come across as, – I swear for effect when writing, but never with intent. The following sections are just another part of the process, aiding me in the assimilation of my.., ‘shadow-self’ – there, does that sound pretentious enough? – Also.., I feel I must stress, what follows isn’t because I’m bitter or disgruntled, – I’ve fallen into that futile trap before, that utter waste of time and emotional energy.., taking everything too seriously..? Never again.] – Ultimately I came to understand exactly what Alan Watts meant when he said, – and this might be a slight misquote here, – “What other people think of me, is none of my business.”

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– That said.., now tired of what was once my old, overly considerate self.., I do occasionally do subtle things to bug people on purpose, but ONLY if I notice they’re looking down on me, or I hear them making snide remarks behind my back, or giving me undeserved dirty looks, and they do this invariably just because of my gormless appearance, or my occasionally awkward, autistic behaviours, or my no-filter approach to conversations, that is when I choose to converse, – also, I do still get the occasional “You look very young for your age.” comment by people who don’t know me well, – so maybe that’s another factor why some often refuse to take me seriously. Like for instance, where I’ve lived for the last 50 odd years, the family home, – [where I now live full-time in order to care for my mother 24/7, who has severe COPD, Heart Failure issues, etc] – not all, but many of the locals are playing the status game, to varying degrees.., keeping up appearances, wearing their personas like good little drones when they interact with each other, – [so the conversations only remain surface deep] – driving expensive cars, portraying a clean living lifestyle, etc, and there’s ALWAYS building work going on.., it wasn’t always like this, the area has, over recent years, started to become populated by those who are.., pretentiously superior, glib, maybe even a little snobbish and superficial, iykwim..? – So, why do I mention this? – Well.., I know most of them just see me as the local pariah, someone to be snubbed, dismissed, someone of no value, just someone to be used as nothing more than an easy target, a convenient societal punching bag for their own personality disorders, repressed inadequacies, inner rage and unprocessed trauma. So, to amuse myself, – I never wash the cheap old cars I drive, I sometimes put the trash out in my underwear, I ignore those who unwittingly expose their true colours and contemptuous nature towards me, etc, – yes.., everybody’s got a dark side, but, if you were surrounded, – almost surrounded, – by the amount of arrogant, inconsiderate, condescending “I’m better than you” pricks, like I’m surrounded by, I think any authentic person, – [those who never wear a persona/mask] – would react in a similar fashion. – The studies are true, approximately 80% of the world’s population lack self awareness, and thereby just judge everybody else based on their physical/facial appearance, the way they speak, the language they use, the education they received, the car they drive, the clothes they wear, etc, – god what a sad life that must be.., and one can easily notice the ones that lack, or have very little of, any internal dialogue.., just vapid drones copying everyone else, – you know.., NPCs, not even playing the game, but instead just getting pulled along with it. – Still, not all the neighbours/locals are so judgemental, there are a few genuinely kind, considerate and understanding individuals, especially the older ones, the ones who knew me in my younger days. But again, the studies ring true, and the rude and nasty drastically outweigh the good and the kind, at least in my experience.., the studies hold up… Still, I digress.., now back to me, being the local pariah and all that, and no, I’m not being paranoid.

– Interesting thing is, – before I lost all my hair in my late 20’s, resulting in me looking a little gormless and simple minded.., I was treated very differently.., by everyone. Before my appearance changed, I was generally held in, relatively, high regard by my friends, and others, I assume partly due to my quiet, observant, overly considerate, easy going nature, – and as I got older, my taste in music, turntable/mixing skills, my building an extremely well kitted out, but very personal, recording studio, etc. – However, once the hair clippers came out, I got to see in realtime, just how superficial many people can be regarding appearance. Sure, my old friends attitudes were no different, once I started shaving my head, but anyone new coming into the many circles I would often frequent, would invariably jump to the conclusion that I was just some irrelevant retard, someone of no consequence or importance. That kind of judgemental behaviour was completely new to me, in fact it took me by surprise just how nasty some people can be, and I don’t mind admitting that being overly sensitive, and highly empathic, it did get to me after a while, and it hurt me a great deal, emotionally, – but it also, eventually, forced me to look inward, and deeply, which got extremely heavy, – [mentally] – for over a decade or so. Still.., ultimately I came to appreciate the actions those unmindful ones had compelled me to take, – and I cherish the results of those actions taken, to this day.

– Yes, I’m aware what we see in others that we don’t like is often a reflection of our own short comings, but in my case I’m never the one judging others, [note: I’m doing it here ONLY as therapy, to get EVERYTHING of my skinny, boney, uneven chest] – I’m not the one looking down on others, belittling them, being rude, or.., – like the new couple who have just moved in dead opposite our family home, – making snide remarks with their partner just within earshot, and then both sniggering at my appearance and ‘unique’ mannerisms behind my back, – [on their way back from the corner shop, or when out pushing their child’s buggy in the evening] – thus robbing me of the dignity to defend myself.., for if I were to turn around and say “Hey! What did you just say, explain yourselves.” – then I become the one that is perceived as the aggressor, by any third parties, – it’s a dirty, cowardly, childish way to behave, but it exposes their true personality types, and that’s all I need to know, regarding such nasty, narcissistic sociopaths. Hey, I didn’t judge them.., as is so often the case, they outed themselves, by dropping the act and showing me who they genuinely are, – without realising just how consciously aware of.., everything, I actually am.., again, not that that makes me better than them, just more mindful, which isn’t always an advantage.., especially if one is, emotionally, a ‘hypersensitive’.

– “Well everything I hate in you, is what I hate in me, – everything that I’m afraid that I might be.” – Annie Hardy/Giant Drag – [Seen The Light] – from the album – [Waking Up Is Hard To Do]

– Funnily enough, the previous couple that lived opposite our house before were also awful, entitled people, – they would go berserk if anyone dared to park outside their house, despite there being no restrictions. Whether it was a neighbour, or people just parking to pop into the local shops on the corner, one of them, or both would come out and start shouting aggressively, telling people they couldn’t park there, and calling the poor unsuspecting victim every name under the sun. Now, back in the early 2000s, my mother almost died of a cancerous bowel obstruction, – she survived, but required aggressive chemotherapy. Anyway, one day, one of my brothers had come around to take her for her chemo appointment, and he couldn’t find a place to park, so he thought, – “Oh well, I’m only going to be 30 seconds.” – my mother was always ready, as she has always hated keeping others waiting. So, my brother parks outside their house, exits the car, and before he’s even closed the door, the wife comes running out screaming at him like a banshee possessed.., shouting, – “You can’t fucking park there, move it!” – to which my brother calmly said, – “Ease up, I’m only going to be 30 seconds, I’ve just here to pick my up mother, and take her for her chemotherapy.” – to which she replied in an overly aggressive manner, – “I don’t give a fuck about your mother, or her chemotherapy, you aren’t parking there and that’s final!” – the fucking cunt.., no one wishes death upon my mother, if she’d insulted my mother in front of me, I don’t think I could have shown the same restraint my brother did. – [btw, – I’m not a violent person, not at all, I’ve only ever punched one person, and that was aged 11, and I was sticking up for my 2 Jehovah’s Witness friends, who would have got a mean beating from their father if they’d fought back against the kid who was bullying them.]

– **Now the husband, oh the husband.., he insulted another of my brothers, in my brother’s own workshop. The husband’s car engine had been making an awful noise, so he took it to my brother’s workshop, where he reconditioned/reconditions engines for a living, and asked him if he could recondition it. So, my brother said, – “Okay let’s have a listen to it first.” – So the husband starts the engine up and immediately my brother shouts out, – ‘Turn it off, turn it off!” – to which he complies. My brother then tells him to pop the hood, my brother instinctively goes straight for the dip-stick, pulls it out, and states, – “There’s your problem, there’s no fucking oil in the engine, and by the smell of it, there hasn’t been any oil in it for days.” – Now, the husband, like the wife, has a massive ego, so he immediately goes on the attack saying, – “You don’t know what you’re fucking talking about, there was oil in that yesterday.” in an aggressive East London accent, – to which my brother, who is also a biker, puts the dipstick in his face as evidence. Now this brother is a Grammar School educated, grease monkey.., obsessed with the internal combustion engine, and not only did/does he own the business, but he’d worked there since he’d left school, so he didn’t take offence, he knew his capabilities and worth, but he did refuse to do the work, and told him it wasn’t worth the agro, considering he’d already told my brother it had been making the awful noise for days. – [Now, back to me.] – Fast forward to just a few years back, before he moved out, the wife had left him by this stage, but he had a lodger, a very arrogant lodger, just like him. Now, this lodger had a massive white BMW, and where do you think he dumped it for 7 months of the year, that’s right.., outside our house.., oh the hypocrisy. Now, one day I asked the lodger, very kindly, whether he wouldn’t mind just moving it back a little so it wasn’t so difficult for me getting on and off my own driveway, – his response, just a condescending sneer as he walked towards his front door. So, the next day, when I came back to the family house, after that interaction, he had moved the car, but about 6 inches further forward, making it even more difficult for me to get on and off my own driveway, so…., I screeched onto that neighbour’s driveway in my car, hopefully activating his Ring doorbell camera, if he had one, and shouted out at the top of my voice, – “Fucking Cunts!” – When I woke up the next morning at 7am, guess what, after 7 months the car had finally gone.., ha. – I have my limits, and I absolutely despise hypocrites, [and liars] – and in that moment of frustration all those nasty things they’d said and done to my family over the years, [and for no reason at all other than their own sense of self-entitlement] – all those thoughts came into crystal clear focus within my mind. Anyway, as luck would have it, that following weekend that arrogant, ignorant, entitled neighbour, and his prick of a lodger, moved out. Also, I will mention.., it wasn’t just me who had a problem with the BMW prick, as the neighbours to the right of my mothers house had to get a ‘courtesy line’ drawn across the entrance to their driveway, and ours, [as we share a dropped curb] – to stop anyone parking over their drive, – because, when the BMW wasn’t dumped outside my mother’s house, the lodger would dump it outside their house, and as their house isn’t as wide as my mothers, he would not only prevent them from parking outside their own house, but also they couldn’t use their driveway, nor could the neighbour next to them park outside his own house either, – the absolute lack of consideration and understanding in my street now is just off the charts. And, sadly, as stated above already, it would appear we just ended up with a younger version of the same entitled narcissists, who again obviously think along the lines of, – “Oh we’re so much better than you.” – Sure you are.., sure.., you mean, nasty, belittling, condescending cunts. – Still, at least they use their own driveway to park their vehicle on.

One more? Just a quick one, maybe two.., – 1.) So, a few years back, another new family, across the road and to the right, were having the previous owners patio dug up. Now, when the skip lorry drove off with all the rubble in the back, about 10 large pieces of hardcore fell off the back of the skip as it pulled away, and the neighbour who was having the work done, saw the hardcore hit the road, and just turned around and walked straight into his house, like it was nothing to do with him. So, being the overly considerate individual I am, – [most of the time] – and not wanting anyone to break their wrist and crash their car by accidentally driving over such material, I went out into the road and put what was closet to his house outside his front wall, on the pavement, and I did the same on my side, in front of my mothers wall. – Now, just by chance, a few weeks later, I caught one of his children throwing the hardcore that I’d placed outside my mothers house, into my mother’s front garden.., why..? For fun..? – What is wrong with people, it never used to be like this through the 70s, 80s and 90s.., is it social media? Is it a status thing? Is it a clash of cultures..? – So many people these days just appear to be selfish, inconsiderate, entitled, ignorant, arrogant beings. — 2.) Also, a longtime neighbour, one of the good ones, caught another new neighbour, a few years back, putting his garden waste into her domestic waste bin, – [something the local council will fine you for doing so, if they discover the wrong material in the wrong bin]. – Honestly, these days.., the lack of self awareness, along with the complete and utter absence of common decency and respect for others property.., is just unfathomable, – and although it doesn’t phase me, I just can’t switch off my hyper-awareness and behave like the majority of others do, even if I wished so. – So, I have to remain sovereign, and that requires integrity, and integrity requires knowing right from wrong, – so I’m compelled to pay attention to what others around me do, so as to behave accordingly, – not to feel superior, or anything like that, but just to remain consciously aware of others actions, and the implications that come from said actions, but without me passing judgment. – I just have to be.., ‘situationally and emotionally aware’, it’s just how I’m wired, – iykwim?

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– Oh, and btw.., no apologies for the ‘colourful’ language I use, I am half Roma, half South-East Londoner, and working class.., and after all, I did spend half my working life on building sites. Swearing comes naturally to me, and besides, I feel more authentic when I don’t hold my tongue, in that regard, it’s like a form of ‘accent’ – you know, like a drummer emphasising certain beats for rhythmical effect. I expect my ‘fruity’ language is also taken into account when I’m being judged..?

– “Ah, the depths of shallowness.” – Daria Morgendorffer

• Oh yes.., this is very cathartic… – Anyway.., half-time break anyone?

– I certainly never think or feel that I’m better than others.., I just don’t feel people are better than me just because they have a better car, or more money coming in.., or because I chose to stay single from my late 20s early 30s, to lookout and care for my mother, [after my father died at a young age] – instead of ‘playing the game’ and getting married, having children, acquiring unnecessary debt, etc.., I mean, one would have to be very shallow to think in such a way, – feeling superior to others that is, – but many apparently do. I’m generally very kind and good natured myself, quiet and sensitive, always have been, to the point that some of the ‘wrong’uns’ I used to associate with via good friends, during my druggie days, would occasionally try to take advantage of me, but because I have always suffered from an autistic level of hyper-vigilance, I can see the Machiavellian, manipulating types from a mile away, simply via their tone, micro-expressions and body language. Funnily enough, towards the end of my ‘tour of duty’ so to speak, dealers I had gotten to know well would regularly ask if I trusted certain people, or whether they should take certain actions, – I essentially became an honest, reliable voice of reason, not afraid to tell people when I thought they were crossing the line, or making a mistake, – something one doesn’t find very often in those sorts of environments. You see, when people actually take the time to get to know me, and don’t just brush me aside because I’m.., different, – there are gains to be made, I have my uses socially, and emotionally, even though I despise socialising. Being a ‘hypersensitive’ individual, who’s nervous system feels like its literally plugged into.., everything and everyone.., gives me a certain perspective. Again, I’m definitely not suggesting I’m better than anyone else, but.., I’ve talked people out of mugging others, selling dodgy drugs, from taking advantage of young ladies, etc, I’ve diffused intense arguments just before they got physical. – I consider myself a good person, – [although I do now appreciate that same ‘goodness’ has been a weakness/obstacle of mine at many times throughout my life] – still, I don’t just go with the flow, just because everyone else does, or because it’s just easier not to rock the boat.., one doesn’t need to be smart, brave, – [or have any kind of status for that matter] – to have the common principles of decency and honesty.., and I thank my grandmother, mother and father for instilling those principles within me.

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[] – [above: my father, with my other grandmother, soon after his birth] – picture taken at ‘Red Skin Village’, Mitcham, London – mid-1930’s. Many of the settlers on that estate still had the red skin that led to them being referred to as gypsies in the first place, as the indigenous people thought they looked like Egyptians. Gypsies actually originate from Northern India, they were one of the lowest ‘casts’ from places like Rajasthan. – The older woman, holding the dog by its collar, is my great grandmother, known as, – Mother Britannia Gorey, – she was the Matriarch of the entire area, a genuine Roma gypsy-queen, and also known by most other gypsy settlements, nationally, at that time.

‘White Privilege’ ? – go fuck yourself… Work hard, try to be a good person, and ANYONE can escape poverty, just as my father and mother did, – no matter what the colour of one’s skin may be.

– Yes, with age I’ve become a little jaded, but I am absolutely aware of that fact, and function accordingly. – Oh, by the way, we are not our achievements either. Just because someone went to university, or sits in front of a computer all day and gets paid ridiculous amounts of money for working from home, [like many appear to do now, especially since ‘Lockdown’] – doesn’t make them better than say.., a garbage collector, prison janitor, hospital porter, manual labourer, site manager, warehouse operative, dockyard worker, forklift operator, etc, – [btw, all work I’ve gladly undertaken over the years] – all of whom now, generally get paid less money than those on benefits, – which is disgusting really, when one considers just how essential those positions genuinely are, you know the people who are actually the ‘physical backbone of the economy’ that allows the society to function and exist, and thereby create the environment for those ‘work from home’ jobs to exist, – but those who have never done a real hard days labour, will almost always take that backbone of the country for granted. Computers have their uses, but personally, I feel we have become way too reliant on them, most people are not at all ready for what will happen.., when the power cuts come, or worse.

– Here’s an example of how many of my neighbours, and many others in general, often talk to me, – that is, if they are forced to interact with me at all:

— I remember one neighbour coming around with something for my mother a few years back, a gift from his wife, who is herself very affable and considerate. She’d been quite ill, so being genuinely concerned about her well being, I asked how she was.., his exact sarcastic, and miserably presented reply, – “Well she gave me this, to bring around to you”, – not, “Oh she’s fine, thanks for asking.” or something similar, not even a smile, it was as if he had been coerced into the situation, under duress, – I mean, how fucking rude. Oh, I guess I should point out at this stage that I have what a close friend once called a – ‘dictophonic memory’ – that is, I can remember everything people have said to me, almost word for word, if it’s worth remembering, and the tone in which those words were delivered, – another trait of my autism, I guess. Another time, around 2 decades ago now, the same bloke actually, had a leaking water mains buried in his front garden, and he had his arm down the service pipe trying to fix it for hours, so, as I used to do some work for a water mains company, I still had loads of shoulder length rubber Guantlet/Emperor gloves and a high lumen underwater mini-mag light, I went around with said items, asked him if he wanted a hand, or the items, and his exact reply, – “No you’re okay.., anyway, I know it’s your mother that sent you around.” again, the fucking audacity, – in fact my mother had told me not to bother him, but.., that reply told me everything I needed to know about his personality, his opinion of me, and just how judgmental he was/is of me. One can always say no, without being rude.., ha.., miserable fuck. Still, I have nothing against him personally, he appears to be a good father/husband, – besides, I’m not the type that holds onto grudges, that’s not healthy, I’m just here stating facts.., attempting to confront my shadow-self, in order to purge all the residual ‘malware’ still present on my electro-chemical hard drive.., iykwim, – and it does feel good… Personally, I just don’t see the personal benefits of being nasty, resentful, self-righteous, condescending, holding onto grudges, etc. But.., don’t get me wrong, I’m not perfect, – no one is, – and I can be just as nasty as anyone else, in fact I can be real nasty, but only if I feel there is absolutely no other option to dealing with a certain situation, or individual, – but, I will always apologise and offer to shake the individuals hand after, to show I hold no bad blood, which is always the honourable thing to do if you find yourself having to shout someone down, or put them in their place, – and if they refuse the apology.., and choose to dishonour your honour.., well that’s just further confirmation that you were right to take the initial action you felt compelled to take in the first place.

– So, basically that’s how most people view me in the local vicinity of our family home, and in general.., like I’m just some kind of mentally deficient, middle-aged mummy’s boy. – Middle-aged mummy’s boy..? Yeah, sure, why not, I’m man enough to admit that, after all, my mother is literally the most understanding and compassionate person I have ever met, and I’m not just saying that because she is my mother, – but I’m no retard, I do have agency, I can think for myself and make my own decisions. So yeah.., and that’s just couple of instances, I often get very similar responses from many of the others too, especially the younger, newer couples coming into the street, as already stated above previously. Still, I bite my tongue most of the time… – Sometimes, I even get the impression that some of the males are just jealous.., jealous that I dared to live my own life, by my own rules, and I never played the whole corporate, status, marriage, mortgage, money, maternity game. I ain’t smart, but I ain’t no slave either. Most people, including many of my neighbours, wear their personas when interacting with each other, like most people do in general, and there is nothing wrong with that, but when it comes to me, all but a few drop the act and treat me with the utmost disdain, they show me who they really are, I’m beneath them, not worthy of their time, effort or consideration, or, they sense I’m too different and that scares them, – so why bother pretending to be nice to me, why would they waste their precious energy pretending to be kind to me, – like they do when they’re sniffing each others assholes, sorry, performing for each other, – the answer.., they just see no gain or value in me, – but I see value in everyone, especially the broken. The main reason I don’t bite back, is because it would upset my mother, and also bring me down to their level/lack of self awareness. Personally, I can’t be rude like that anyway, you know, in a subtle, indirect, bitter, condescending way, – besides, if I really don’t like someone, they fucking know it, I will make it crystal clear, and I’ll tell them, there and then, exactly what it is that they’ve done that’s so bad, or what’s wrong with their personality. Still, I’m quite prepared to accept most, worts and all.., for now… But yeah, I would say the majority of people I come into contact with appear to be contemptuous cunts, with regards to me anyway. Honestly.., half the time I feel they think I’m just too stupid to realise just how nasty they’re actually being to me. I mean, if I lived near someone with autism, who had odd behaviours, looked a little gormless, and cared for their slowly dying mother 24/7.., I’d treat them exactly the same as I do everyone else, – with respect, empathy, compassion and understanding.

– I personally mentored many people with Asperger’s Syndrome, over a 5 year period, on site, at a previous place of work, – [a site owned by the Plymouth Brethren] – to evaluate whether they could live and work on their own, in their own accommodation, – obviously with a warden present at the complex where they’d be housed. I also worked with genuine refugees throughout the 2000’s, mostly survivors of genocide, from all over Africa,.., like Malawi, Ghana, Rwanda, Zimbabwe, the Congo, etc.., different job, but it was me again, metaphorically holding their hands as they learnt to fit into the UK, learnt how things work, what’s expected of them within the confines of a hard days manual labouring, etc… Why me..? Well I’m certainly not going to suggest I was the best man for the job, but I assume I was chosen because of my easy-going, overly considerate, accommodating and hard-working nature, also the company I worked for at that time knew I had witnessed some horrors myself, – overdoses, deaths, stabbings, etc. – Some of the conversations got dark, very dark, especially one fellow from Zimbabwe, – what Mugabe’s men did to his sister.., unimaginable savagery. Still, I feel I helped a few of them deal with what they’d been through, at least a little, just by being my usual inquisitive, empathetic self and being genuinely interested in their replies and stories. – Oddly enough, after a couple of hours of getting to know me, people often relax emotionally and open up a little, sometimes a lot, – [and I’ve been told, multiple times, this is…] – because I’m always brutally honest about myself when I meet new people, I don’t hide anything, I don’t keep up any kind of pretence, and if I think something I’ve experienced or know is relevant, helpful, beneficial, – I’ll bring it up. I’m not embarrassed to talk about my own, anxieties, depression, OCD, germaphobia, substance abuse issues, mild transvestitism [when much younger, and much more feminine looking.., but that’s now just a dormant kink, – besides, my libido has always been very low, and now essentially non-existent] – and borderline suicidal experiences [during my mid-30s] – etc, etc.., I’ve been there, and some, so what, surviving all those experiences only made me a stronger, more understanding individual, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of as far as I’m concerned. Again, I don’t consider myself better than anyone else, just a bit more honest, – although, by noticing certain others negative reactions to said honesty.., well that particular trait would appear to be an almost revolutionary act, when engaging with the.., ‘modern day herd’. Anyway, most of the African refugees I worked with appeared to be quite appreciative of my empathy, honesty, considerate nature and listening skills, I would even offer to drop them off at their accommodations on the way home after a hard days work. – I feel many see their inner sufferings and past negative experiences as weaknesses, and thereby never learn anything from said experiences.., but when one confronts those personal weaknesses wholeheartedly, and those darker emotions too, they can lead to some of the most powerful inner strengths, and realisations, one could ever wish for. Many are just too involved in ‘the game’ to lower the mask, and thereby never let others know anything truly personal about themselves, but.., that said, it is also true that a little mystery can go a long way, – but many never appear to drop their guard for a single second.

– “The wound is the place where the light enters you.” – [Rumi] – and one can choose to share that gained inner light, that is if one can get over their own ego, – but many can’t, they’ve become too attached to their personas, in some cases even fused to their personas. But the persona is just a societal construct, a performance carefully crafted, over time, to hide the authentic, sovereign self beneath.., and it is just as fragile as the ego, especially when confronted by those who don’t feel the need to perform by wearing a mask/persona, – and when people fear being exposed, they become incredibly hostile in an attempt to keep the authentic types at arms length. Also, the persona types will also talk negatively to others about those they feel threatened by, in an attempt to stop those close to them from ever hearing/learning any dark truths about themselves they don’t want revealed. But that fear is completely irrational, as unlike them, – [unless it’s therapy] – authentic types don’t think the same way, nor talk about others behind their backs, – that sort of behaviour isn’t something the authentic type enjoys, or takes part in generally, as it’s just projection coming from the ego’s fear of the persona becoming cracked, or, in some cases, ripped clean off for all to see what’s truly beneath, – it might be the way the unmindful ones think, but not the mindful, – as if necessary, the mindful will always confront, and meet the situation head on, – no fucking about or playing games.

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[note: Wisdom doesn’t mean Knowledge or Intelligence… Wisdom can only be built from the inside of one’s own actual suffering, not around it, – it is not something that can be attained by external experiences/sources, – the process is sometimes referred to as.., The Sophia Stage, – courtesy of Jungian Psychology. – So.., we only get to feel and appreciate what it’s like to be genuinely ‘Kind’, once we ourselves.., have suffered internally, and learnt from said suffering.]

– Being a hypersensitive individual means one gets wounded quite a lot, because hypersensitives, especially those who live with ‘hyper-vigilance’, notice the covert maliciousness of others so much more than ‘regular’ people do. It’s not that we take offence, we just take all the nastiness onboard and have to embrace, process, filter and then learn from such interactions. Still, ultimately it works out much better for the hypersensitive than it does the narcissistic, Machiavellian, sociopathic/psychopathic types, – because by their very nature, the ‘dark triad’ types usually lack the ability to genuinely evolve on an emotional level and learn from others. Rarely, if ever, do the unmindful even attempt to do the work required to become whole.

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[] – [above: Zen proverb]

– In regards to the above paragraphs, I feel obliged to mention that I am very, very good at inadvertently rubbing the wrong people, the wrong way, thus exposing their true nature and personality type, especially if they don’t know me very well. But again, that’s not my fault at all, I am who I am, I am not doing anything other than being authentic, I really don’t know any other way.., and regarding those who appear to take offence at those more authentic than themselves.., well I guess that’s just what Jung would have referred to as ‘Shadow Projection’. – So.., I guess if I’m not being judged for my appearance, peculiar behaviours, or my linguistic ‘talents’.., I’m probably being judged for being too authentic, and thereby I risk exposing the obvious performances the masses maintain to remain socially acceptable?

– I’m just endlessly misunderstood because of my autistic traits, the forwardness that comes with said traits, and my appearance, – and I do mean endlessly. Hardly ever do I notice people considering the fact that, – “Oh, maybe this person is different? Maybe they have high-functioning autism? Maybe…?” – nope.., no consideration whatsoever, no empathy and definitely no understanding. Most people are more similar than they are dissimilar, and it would appear large bulk of the population hate different, it requires them to think differently, and that can upset their shallow, narrow-minded views, or.., cause them to look a little too deeply into themselves. Those who lack self awareness invariably mistake my shyness for slyness, my quietness as arrogance, my communication skills are drastically different to others as I don’t wear a persona, and I know many can’t stand that kind of ‘in your face’ honesty, and so generally I avoid small talk with others, if I can, as I find it rather energy-draining, especially with people I don’t know very well. Very occasionally, I do get completely overwhelmed by other peoples persistent inconsideration, ignorance, arrogance, condescension, hypocrisy, etc, – resulting, over time, – [if pushed far enough] – in very loud, uncontrollable outbursts of verbal profanities, – [as explained already above, paragraph 17**] – and that often gets misunderstood too, – though I rarely aim the profanities at a particular individual, as I do actually have a high level of tact, one needs tact when one wants to avoid confrontations and drama… But, no one’s perfect, least of all me.

• And believe me.., they do.

– I used to apologise and explain myself all the time, about everything, but with age, drugs, and becoming much more self aware, in a relatively good way, – I just don’t give a fuck anymore, – [although I’m doing it right now, here, explaining that is, but purely for personal cathartic purposes]. – If I’m being honest, up until around 20 years ago, I used to feel really hurt if someone took a disliking to me, – I would feel as if it were a problem within me, that I lacked something, or I wasn’t good enough.., and I guess that’s partly because I’ve always lacked confidence, and partly because I would often internalise my thoughts and feelings, – but I eventually realised, if someone has a problem with me, it is exactly that, their problem, not mine. What other people think of me is none of my business, in general, as long as I know I’ve done nothing wrong intentionally, they can go fuck themselves. People are mean, nasty, rude, condescending and belittling to me surprisingly often, just because of my appearance, or my awkward, introverted, autistic behaviours, or my no-filter, colourful language when I do engage, etc, – but I just choose not to be offended anymore.., – while they clearly assume I don’t even notice their snide remarks, dirty looks, or the utter contempt in their voices, etc, simply because, they themselves aren’t at all self-aware of the fact that they are just projecting their own shadow, and thus exposing their own inner turmoils, or.., they’re just genuinely nasty, insensitive, unmindful individuals. People are so good at unwittingly revealing their true nature, and yet they’re just so utterly oblivious to that fact, something I’ve always found personally entertaining, – plus it gives me an edge over them, because I know they have no idea what I’m actually, genuinely like, because they’ve already judged me, – and often unfairly too, imho. – So, I usually just smile and nod in their direction, with my face slightly tilted down, so as not to look provocative, – occasionally I’ll call them out.., but mostly not, depends on what mode I’m in.., self-aware mode, or.., full-on autistic, matter of fact mode. Taking offence is a choice, not a right, nor a necessity. And, as I’ve discovered over the years, those who choose to be offended, play the victim, etc, are best avoided, as they will come with much unnecessary drama and woe for all those around them.

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[] – [above quote] – Confucius

– Interesting side note, – People who swear often in their everyday interactions/communications, are likely to be much more honest and trustworthy than those who don’t, – it’s a verbal cue that they have no filter, that they’re quite comfortable being their true self in front of others, and that they are more authentic and much less likely to be deceptive. – [source, Columbia University]

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“The very powerful, and the very stupid, have one thing in common, instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views, – which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering.” – Dr Who [Tom Baker]

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the therapy cell ~ 2010 [pre MacBook]
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Revoltech EVA-01 v2.0
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