Flares into existence
Heart pounds in throat,
But this time no resistance
Confronting this fear,
The only course of action
We’re taking it down,
This rogue mental faction
Before panic sets in,
Reel all wayward thoughts back
Shut down emotions,
Before they’re all hacked
No room for faux tensions,
While absorbing stray doubts
… Now without…
*Embracing negative feelings and emotions is often better than running away from them, or resisting them, but we must never fall into that trap of dwelling on them, that just becomes nothing more than a futile game of self-torture…
– Originally posted on 6th June 2015, but I’m reposting it as it shows the process of a technique I developed for dealing with my own panic attacks, obviously some rudimentary knowledge and practice of meditation is required but the order of the process exists within the verse. –
Panic attacks used to own me, my anxiety feared the notion of having an attack in public so much I was housebound for two whole years, but even then just something as simple as the phone ringing or a knock at the door could trigger an attack. Being so uptight all the time was so physically draining, just walking up a single flight of stairs could leave me dizzy. I was suffering from amphetamine psychosis at the time, and although I’d had mild panic attacks for many years, the psychosis magnified the attacks to a point where I would feel as if I was on the edge of oblivion, and that any moment the floor or wall that was supporting me would just open up and crush me, horrendous times.
Still, I thought I’d recycle this one as anyone practicing meditation to control their panic attacks might find some aspects of the process useful.
– This will be my last post, as I’ve decided to finally throw all my energy into my sonic addiction. I have a large collection of analogue synthesizers, samplers, drum machines and general high-grade audio hardware that just doesn’t get the attention it deserves, and I’ve decided it’s time to learn how to play at least one instrument proficiently, either electric bass or keyboard.
I’m genuinely grateful to anyone and everyone, – meaning the few, – who has visited, liked, followed or commented on this blog, for I never thought for one second that my childish verse and personal reflections would ever even get a like, let alone a few followers. – Thank you.
– Light shines from many lamps. Allow any belief, spiritual or otherwise, to become a place of refuge or rest and it becomes an obstacle. All true teachings are meant as stepping stones, to learn from and then move on.
Meet my anxiety,.. it doesn’t have a gender, it doesn’t have a name, but most importantly, it doesn’t represent anything negative. You see, I have learnt to visualise my anxiety as it is shown above, because I understand that not only was I born anxious, due partly to the fact that my mother had been prescribed large doses of Diazepam during the last six months that she carried me inside her, but also, that same anxiety will undoubtably be accompanying me to my grave.
Accepting my anxiety was a breakthrough period for me, in fact I still remember the feeling of utter relief, and within a month I had shed around 60% of the shit that comes with it, it was, as if it had finally come of age and no longer was it going to be a burden to me, no longer was I going to be spending every waking moment of my existence fighting it, – the time had finally come for me to,.. just let go.
Of course, it’s there all the time, in the background, whistling away like white noise, but it no longer controls me, I control it, I’ve given it form, I’ve given it peace, I accept it, and in a strange way I cherish it for I wouldn’t be the same high empathy, overly considerate, uber understanding individual I am today if I hadn’t suffered so much, and for so long.
I feel so dearly for anyone affected by the negative effects of anxiety, I really do, whenever I read of a bloggers anguish and hellish experiences, all those emotions come flooding back, and I truly wish I could just cast a spell there and then and release that individual from the torment they feel within, but I can’t… no one can.
Only you can control yourself, and that means, diet, sleep, exercise, meditation, breathing exercises, medications where and when required, high-empathy company, and most of all, the will to sacrifice ALL of the vices you like and love, but know to be so utterly detrimental to your state of mind and wellbeing. – Many substances and foods trigger anxiety, and eliminating ALL these is essential, there’s no meeting anxiety halfway, it’s ALL or nothing, and I assure you I speak from experience.
My life is so streamlined now I doubt many people would even want to live the way I do, but I’m at peace with myself now and couldn’t be happier. Don’t get me wrong, I still get anxious, but I’m prepared, and I no longer give it enough fuel for it to ever become a major problem ever again.
I’m not here to make suggestions, I’m just telling you that it can, does, and will get better, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner the transformation will occur.
Stop tortouring yourselves by battling, fighting and beating your anxiety and try tolerating it, or even loving it, just like you’d like it to love you, – because it is you!
Deluded by its gods, the doomsday species,
Its logical progression, just a leech with diseases
Spawning racist religions, political whores,
And radicalised bankers all worshipping wars
Planning its demise it sows its rotten seeds,
Of horrors yet to manifest from the fruits of its deeds
Spoiled, corrupted and tainted by wealth,
Arrogant, it sits atop the evolutionary shelf
Ruling its weak, the masses that kneel,
With prescribed medications to dampen what’s real
Through corporate slogans and sponsored agendas,
Via wi-fi, faith, and a media censored
Snared by technology, like drones to a hive
Caught up in hells even devils despise
With a fervour and lust for this digital age
Just slaves to devices they can’t disengage…
… So me, the pariah, set among this deception,
To analyse, report, record the infections,
Of a virus beyond any malware detection,
A corporate contamination of the human perception
~ Any god/state/institution that demands your devotion/loyalty/admiration and promotes the fear and hate of others through the manipulation of words and behaviours, should be considered, at the very least, psychopathic. ~
A chrysalis corrupted,
Its stasis interrupted,
A freak or so they say
With skeletal deformities,
And a skull that’s seldom shown
Rags, hats, hoods, accessories,
Drape over fragile bones
I’ve never lied, I don’t know how to and I’ve never understood the reasoning behind it, but there are some things that are just too hard to talk about easily, but perhaps one day. The reason I may sound a little cryptic is that there is one thing in my life that causes people to judge me so unfairly, that it chips a little bit of my soul away every time I see people staring at me in public, for either they assume I’m a junkie because of the darkened flesh below my eyes, – but that’s the fault of my medications, not the amphetamines, – or, if I go out without something covering my battle scarred skull, people immediately assume,… well I don’t know what their thinking, I can just tell by their expressions it’s something I don’t want to hear…
Believe me, just be grateful if you have a face and skull that doesn’t draw unwarranted attention, for it’s the most awful feeling in the world knowing people are judging you just because you look a little different…
People see you as easy prey, they immediately assume you’re inferior to them, and they will use your misfortune to draw the attention of others away from their own personal faults, it’s awful, truly awful, but I’ve lived with it ever since I became virtually bald, and that was 25 years ago, still, it hurts when it happens, and even though I soon recover, I always feel it sets me back, I don’t dwell on it, I just have a really good memory of all my experiences, positive and negative.
It’s not something that depresses me, but being a shy, hypersensitive introvert with anxiety, it’s something that makes me very self conscious, because I know I’m not getting paranoid when I think people are talking about me behind my back, because they are, I’m their target, somehow, I’m making them feel safer, but that’s just human nature I guess, the beast inside and all that.
I know I probably judge my genuine appearance too harshly, but you might be surprised by just how many uncompassionate, unmindful assholes there are out there. There are good people also, I live an easy life, my mum’s an angel, I have three older brothers who keep me funded, I’ve had relationships, my closest friend grows his own and he doesn’t charge me anything, I just help him when I can. – Oh, did I mention, I also have chronic osteoarthritis in my knees and back, but the Tramadol eases that, I like Tramadol, it’s a very good recreational substance, if not abused.
Perhaps now, some of my previous posts might make more sense, I don’t now.
Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m pretty happy and content at this moment in time, that’s probably what’s giving me the strength to confront this subject in public, so to speak. And, I’m glad I’m me, congenital-anaomalies included, they’ve shaped me in ways other people can only imagine, and I draw solace from them, and… and they make me a better person, he says with tears in his eyes, but it’s true…
I don’t want any comments or support, I’m fine, I’m just putting this out there to get it off my chest, my skinny, boney and ever-so slightly buckled chest, but that’s another story…
And obviously, so many people are far worse off than me, but I’m not them, I’m just me.