– a personal, – but no holds barred, – cathartic venture into ‘restrained-narcissism’, and ‘self’ exploration,
– the simple-minded accounts/history of a ‘wasted’, but well lived life.., especially when younger,
– and much yet unaddressed ‘shadow work‘ –

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– Even after having landed on this rock over 5 decades ago, to this day I still struggle to recognise and understand the world and reality I find myself in.

– What a strange world it is where some of the most aggressive, vain, self obsessed, and almost certainly psychopathic, narcissistic and Machiavellian-like creatures on the planet are also considered, by the uneducated masses, to be the most intelligent and distinguished, – and therefore left to lead and control us, – while they quite clearly regard the masses with the utmost contempt.

– I’ve been swerving all responsibilities – and authorities – most of my earthbound life. I would describe myself as a kind of socially corrupted, culturally subverted, happily introverted, interplanetary Peter Pan.

– After ‘clubbing myself to death’, in and around North/South London, from ’88 – ’96, I’ve spent the last few decades recovering from varying degrees of social anxiety, heavy bouts of clinical depression and mild insomnia. But, all of my ‘difficulties’ pre-existed long before those glorious days of my misspent youth, in one form or another, many tied to my high functioning autism, but the longterm heavy use of amphetamines and hallucinogens, etc, in those younger years, seriously exacerbated each condition considerably, – that is, once all the intensive clubbing/partying ceased, and I finally came down. – [btw.., I certainly don’t consider myself special, a victim, or anything like that, because of my conditions. If anything I just consider myself a very successful under achiever, a happily content loser, – but probably in a very different way to how most others might interpret those terms.]

– But, I wouldn’t change a thing as, – clubbing, drugs, music, having way too many friends/associates during my prime years, the whole sub-culture thing, profound memories that will stay with me forever, a life many could never dream of, let alone understand.., even with all the problems that can come with that sort of lifestyle? – yeah, totally worth it, – also, the copious amounts of Speed/amphetamines taken did cure my OCD.., and the aftermath forced me to dig deep into my ‘self’ to find everlasting solutions to, – previously, – lifelong difficulties, – [empaths are born in hell, – if you’ve ever seen the original ‘Scanners’ film, and know how the main character, Cameron Vale, existed before he started taking ‘Ephemerol’.., yeah, being an empath.., it’s very much like that] – and also gave me an understanding of others that now even surprises me. Again, I’m not suggesting I’m special/intelligent, most certainly not, – I’m just a loser who worked too hard, and played too hard. Also, the more consciously aware I’ve become, – by having to look inward to the degree I have, – the more isolated I find myself, but I’ve always craved solitude, – unless I’m on amphetamines or psychedelics, – so that’s no bad thing. – [interesting side note; – When I do, very occasionally, catch up with old friends, or bump into old acquaintances/associates in public, they almost always seem to be having a mid-life crisis, or similar, – they invariably bring up my ‘opting out of society’ a few decades earlier, as if it were a difficult decision for me to make, or I’d somehow gone mad.., lol.., I generally hold my tongue… as they don’t realise that I just hit my mid-life crisis a few decades too early, – as I became fully aware in my late 20’s, as to just how fake so many of the people I was associating with were, and initially I honestly thought I was just being paranoid, or overthinking everything.., but I wasn’t.., – still it took me quite a few years to gain the levels of understanding I now have, to fully appreciate what I’d experienced back then. – So, I’ve already worked through all my personal crises, self-doubt and emotional/mental ups and downs.., – so inside I’m thinking, – “My god, did I really used to hang about with people this shallow and lacking in self awareness?” – but not in a nasty, condescending way mind you, but more, “Oh well, that interaction reaffirms the fact that nothing has changed, and I haven’t been missing out on anything new or exciting for the last couple of decades.” – as I discover the majority of them are either drinking too much, still taking too much cocaine, – [a drug I never really liked, strictly for those who enjoy feeling arrogant, imo] – unhappily married, in debt, dead due to an overdose, or still having affairs and over-complicating their busy little lives.]

– I was almost certainly born with what is now called, – Neonatal Abstinence Syndrome, – or what was once just called ‘Withdrawal’. My mother was prescribed large doses of Diazepam/Valium during the last 6 months of her pregnancy with me, – [after already having had 3 healthy sons, she became quite anxious that I wouldn’t be born normal.., fortunately for her, and my older brothers, I wasn’t born normal, – thus I have become her full-time carer, as I’m the only one who doesn’t have any other interpersonal responsibilities, or businesses to run] – this appears to have resulted in untreated withdrawal, – and the knock-on effect of said withdrawal is quite possibly what left me with zero confidence, – [essentially for my entire life] – but it never affected my ability to do a hard days work, or make friends, although I do feel it probably played a large role in my lifestyle choices… I must stress, I certainly don’t blame my mother for any of my problems, she was, and is an absolute angel, who, despite having 4 sons of her own, also spent many decades of her life caring for other people’s children, – as a nanny up at Dolphin Square, a pre-school teacher, – [once I was old enough for pre-school] – and as a specialist nurse looking after severely disabled, and occasionally severely disturbed children. – [The 70’s were a long time ago, and many medications were still in their infancy, relatively speaking, and so the long term side effects were not yet known.]

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[Innocent little me – aged 13, – just before I started ‘self-medicating’ – two years later I had developed a relatively unique identity for myself, with tall, spiked hair, and a developing ‘eclectic’ taste in music, – and two years after that, – [at age 17] – I’d ditched the hair spray and gone full ‘hippie’, — and that was the only time in my life my image matched that of those around me, as during the late 80s, early 90s, – and starting during the ‘Second Summer of Love’ of ’88, here in the UK, – there was a big image/cultural crossover between ‘hippies’ and those of the Acid/Breakbeat scene, and I already had the very long hair, – [shame I don’t have any pictures.., guess I was too busy getting wasted, having life-altering peak/glimpse experiences and ultimately.., expanding my horizons..? yeah.., but it took a few decades for me to appreciate that expansion, – after I’d learnt how to properly contain it] – plus, when one is taking Ecstasy and Speed, three to four nights a week in venues where the sweat is literally dripping off the ceilings.., hair spray, and other product, is the last thing one wants getting in one’s eyes. – [Yup.., one only makes that mistake once.]

– Of course, – I now appreciate that I was using excessive amounts of drugs to help lower the intensity of the excessive, external stimuli that comes with the weird, hyper-vigilant, hyper-aware and hyper-emotional brand of ‘autism’ I have – [again.., empaths are born in hell] – like.., I really didn’t like going to new places, or meeting new people in my very early years, – [say 3 to 10 years of age] – it was just too overwhelming. — [I still don’t enjoy meeting new people and/or entering new situations, or even starting conversations – I know many assume I’m just blanking them, or being arrogant or rude, – but I’ve come to realise that endlessly explaining myself also has a negative effect, as people then just interpret me as being weak, someone to be manipulated, belittled, etc, – so I can’t win either way. — Most people are fickle creatures.., generally speaking.] — But now I just accept that I have that kind of ‘introverted intuition’, – giving me a level of awareness that is much more a curse, than it is a blessing, – a kind of ‘Differentiated Perception’, as Jung would have called it. – Back in the 70’s when I was first medicated for my anxieties/sanity, around the age of 5.., I was just considered overly shy and anxious, and it was treated as more of a problem. – But I now realise my intense ’emotional/social hyper-vigilance/hyper-awareness’ and the nervousness that comes with it, is due to my entire nervous system being too plugged into everyone else’s feelings/emotions, and everything else, 24/7.., and that’s why I went too far with certain substances during my teens, 20’s and early 30’s, – despite being double-clued up on what I was doing, and taking, – also my dad dying in his early 50’s while I was still hitting the clubs and amphetamines pretty hard, probably didn’t help my ‘addictive personality’ issues. But that said, the social freedoms and spontaneity drugs delivered – [by blocking off my nervous system from those excessive amounts of overpowering external stimuli] – were quite new experiences for someone like me, and those freedoms were certainly just as addictive as the drugs themselves, – so I needed one to get the other. – Btw, my ‘hyper-vigilance’ isn’t a result of any external childhood trauma, or PTSD per se, but instead having just lived my entire life with a complete and utter lack of confidence. So, with my severe hypersensitivities, and my being devoid of any noticeable levels of confidence, – [internally] – I spent a lot of my younger life feeling permanently on edge, unless I was ‘medicated’ in some way, – but not so much these days.., not so much at all. – These days I feel I’m much more in control than others, – in fact, I’ve probably had to train my mind more than most over the years.., and purely out of necessity, rather than for some pretentious, external form of social validation.

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– The purpose of this data is to give myself a creative outlet, in the hope of freeing my alien mind from the velvet rut of contentment that it currently resides within, and in the process push myself to confront the myriad of demons that have stalked me since my arrival on this Earth.

– THERAPY, in other words. – I’m attempting to confront my ‘shadow self’, those aspects of my personality that I fear the most, – my weaknesses, my sensitivities, my darker thoughts, my suppressed aggression, my INFJ-T desire to be understood, – [but not validated.., INFJ types don’t seek validation] – things that might have once embarrassed me, or have slowly eaten away at me over the years, etc?
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– It will never be my intention to offend, insult, or hurt any other soul, – of any race, religion, sexuality or creed,
…. but, due to my ‘high functioning autism’, I am not the greatest of communicators, so I apologise fully, and in advance, for any distress that might arise due to comments, misunderstandings or subject matter created by me. I guess I should also point out due to my autism/self-awareness levels and hyper-sensitivities, I consider myself to have the emotional age of a very, very level-headed teenager, and as a direct result of having lived/suffered well over 40 years dealing with that difficulty, probably the wisdom of someone a little older than myself, – [but I absolutely don’t consider myself mentally intelligent, although I do have an abundance of emotional intelligence, probably a little too much] – and due to all the hard physical labour, and excessive amounts of ‘various substances’ taken over the years.., physically I feel like I’m around 70+ years of age. – So, I’ve essentially ended up as just a very immature old boy, who understands one’s self, – and others, – way too much, but much of the time I still lack the ability to communicate in a cohesive manner, that is, with those who don’t know me well… – So yeah, I’m nothing special.., if anything I’m cursed.., [due to my having the INFJ-T personality type, and cataloging everything with autistic detail] – cursed to see, hear, experience and absorb everything, no matter how subtle, disguised, or slight, that thing might be. – [Funny thing is, Yes.., I openly consider myself rather immature, but I’m still endlessly surprised at just how ridiculously immature most others are when they truly reveal themselves.., I mean, at least I’m mature enough to admit I’m immature, instead of hiding behind some corporate job, egotistic personality, or tiring persona that’s slowly killing my true self from the inside.]

– Below, and also a little above.., are radically updated and added ramblings, as I just needed some space, to get some residual malware of my own internal, ‘electro-chemical hard drive’. Also, in a few months time, – [summer 2026] – hopefully.., I will be opioid free for the first time in over 10 years, and still off the weed, – [even removed all that kind of paraphernalia from the family home – feel quite refreshed and liberated actually – having smoked it for well over 40 years, and neat for the last 25 – personally, it can start to become a rather energy draining habit, – but I didn’t realise that until I stopped using it for a long period of time due to developing CHS, – which is essentially ‘morning sickness’ for weed smokers] – and as a result, I feel I will be returning to my full on mute, early teens autistic self when interacting with others in real life, – so this may well become the sole way for me explaining myself to others in the future.., – that is, if I ever even feel the need to anymore… [For truth be told.., I’m starting to feel like language can no longer keep up with my levels of awareness anyway.., and I no longer seek the understanding of others, why would I, it’s a fact that most people lack the ability to genuinely step into the shoes of another and feel that individual’s world the way an empath/INFJ can. Not that that makes me better than anyone, but why waste my time explaining my thoughts and perceptions to people who just won’t ever get them, – better I just hold my tongue, and only verbalise when absolutely necessary.]

– So.., this is where I get into severely uneducated, – and often extremely tangential, – autistic detail, – [Hey, I couldn’t read or write properly until I was about 10, probably due to being heavily medicated at age 5, and I essentially left school at around 14, – guess I, – unknowingly – chose a different kind of education, one that didn’t require me becoming completely indoctrinated into all that ‘performance heavy’ societal bullshit, I opted for a more.., mind-expanding education, something to match my, – unknown at the time – but slowly emerging ‘Empathic’ abilities.., but it took me over 20 years to really get to grips with all that ‘psychology’stuff’,.. I know I was probably too high/wasted most of the time to really give it the full attention it deserved, – but I did gain an honours degree in.., ‘hanging around with all the wrong people’ – and unless you’ve ever done that, you have no idea just how educational that is…] – and definitely a massive amount of personal projection, – [but only in order to capture and absorb my ‘shadow’ in the process] – with messy examples, observations, etc, of just how many people view me today, – [and how I view them, or have viewed them in the past] – and undoubtedly just because of my appearance, odd autistic mannerisms, my no-nonsense, authentic approach to everything, my perceived low intelligence, my socially awkward and often unreadable personality type, etc.., and, if I’m honest, quite possibly also my ‘couldn’t give a fuck’ attitude, [but not in a belligerent way] – which I originally developed as a coping mechanism, but which has now become a legitimate part of my ‘authentic’ personality over the last decade or two.., thank god. – [Honestly, I feel one needs some sort of genuine attitude, especially if one has experienced, what feels like an eternity, pretty much devoid of any real confidence.] — So, please feel free to skip the rest of this drool. – I’m sure there will be much repetition and overlap from paragraph to paragraph as I add and subtract utter drivel, – [also, as an INFJ, I know others often experience us as walking/talking contradictions, because of our ‘introverted intuition’ yet ‘extroverted feeling’, so I fully understand why I’m misunderstood so often, but as an INFJ type, being understood is all we ever want really, at least that is until we realise most lack the ability to put themselves fully into the shoes of others] – but that’s just the nature of dealing with, and rooting out, what are essentially messy caches of ‘neural’ malware, slowing down and clogging up my own internal ‘operating system’.., iykwim..? – What follows is just personal, therapeutic text/rambling, and definitely not intended to hurt or offend ANYONE, no matter how negative, or sometimes even personal, it may come across as, – I swear for effect when writing, but never with intent, and I write EXACTLY as I speak, although it’s difficult to slur text and imply speed of delivery when one is limited to writing. The following sections are just another part in the process, of aiding me in the assimilation of my.., ‘shadow-self’ – there, does that sound pretentious enough? – Also.., I feel I must stress, what follows isn’t because I’m bitter, angry, disgruntled, or anything negative like that, not at all, really, – I’ve fallen into that futile trap before, that utter waste of time and emotional energy.., taking everything too seriously, wandering what’s wrong with me.., and why all the unmindful types often have a problem with me… Never again, because I see it all for what it is now. Besides.., generally I don’t have negative thoughts of my own, it’s almost always the negativity of others that usually affects my psyche, that’s invariably where any personal self-doubt or self-consciousness originally stems from. – Ultimately I’ve come to understand exactly what Alan Watts, – [and I’m sure many others] – meant when he said, – and this might be a very slight misquote here, – “What other people think of me, is none of my business.” – But.., I’m almost certainly an INFJ-T, – [one of Myers-Briggs 16 personality types – listed in the MBTI] – and being so, I’m well aware my authenticity often makes others feel extremely uneasy, as most have undoubtedly been programmed to play a specific role within ‘the game’, and when someone like me turns up, who doesn’t take part in all that tiring societal bullshit, it bothers them internally, but instead of looking inwards to see what my authentic self has reflected back, or stirred, within their own psyche, they instead just tend to lash out and blame me for all the awkward, repressed feelings and emotions that rise up within them when I’m around, – but I just can’t help but notice and feel.., absolutely EVERYTHING, – every micro-expression, every pregnant pause, every subtle change in someone’s tone, every covert, supercilious, disdainful stare, – often I feel I can even ascertain peoples personality types, or their BPD traits, simply by reading/scanning their innocent enough scribblings or online text...

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– That said.., now tired of what was once my old, overly considerate, terribly good natured, and if I’m honest my often, far too sheepish.., ‘self’.., I do now, occasionally, do subtle things to bug people on purpose, and sometimes even to pull out and expose their true character, – [hey, if they want to play ‘the game’, I’ll play my own…] – but ONLY if I notice they’re looking down on me, or I hear them making snide remarks behind my back, or giving me undeserved dirty looks, and they do this invariably just because of my gormless appearance, or my socially awkward, autistic behaviours, or my no-filter, brutally honest INFJ approach to conversations, that is, when I choose to converse, – also, I do still get the occasional – “You look very young for your age” – comment from people who don’t know me well, – so maybe that’s another factor as to why some often consider me.., not worth the effort, – and I guess many would see me as a little immature, and I guess in some small ways.., I very much am, but I’m still man enough to admit it. Also I’m well aware that it’s quite clear to everyone that I’m not the type that seeks social validation, the ‘normies’ can tell that just by the cheap old cars I choose to drive, the secondhand clothes I wear, my ‘colourful’ language, etc. – Like for instance, where I’ve lived for the last 50 odd years.., the family home, – [where I now live full-time in order to care for my mother 24/7, who has severe COPD, Heart Failure issues and is now registered blind, -she also developed Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, – after a ‘certain course of boosters] – not all, but many of the locals are playing the status game, to varying degrees.., keeping up appearances, wearing their personas and playing their socially acceptable roles when they interact with each other, – [so generally most conversations/interactions feel rather performative and surface level to someone like me, – although one or two of my neighbours are quite open to engaging in deeper, meaningful conversations] – driving expensive cars, portraying the clean living family lifestyle, etc, and there always appears to be some building work going on.., it wasn’t always like this, the area has over recent years, started to become populated by those who appear.., pretentiously superior, glib/insincere, maybe even a little snobbish and superficial, iykwim..? – [The kind of people who have become trapped in a perpetual state of ‘Identity Foreclosure’, where as I’ve lived my entire life, pretty much, in a state of ‘Identity Moratorium’ to one degree or another.] – So, I’m sure many of the new families moving in just see me, – [and probably my family as a whole] – as the local riff-raff, because of the authentic way we present ourselves, the old cars we own, etc. – Personally, rather than trying to buy social approval points like so many others do these days, I have a much more important, long term, personal passion project to be spending my time and money on, – and other than a chosen few, most will never even know where all my money goes, – and that’s the way I like it. — Still, little do they know, my mother was extremely well respected locally when our family was younger. She used to co-run the local pre-school at the church hall, – [throughout the mid 70s to early 80s] – and many of my old school friends still affectionately refer to her as ‘Auntie Jean’.., – then, as already mentioned above, she moved on to looking after severely disabled, and sometimes disturbed, children for well over 3 decades.., and my late father, – [ex-army and successful London ‘money man’] – was the chairman of the local Boys Grammar School’s PTA, chairman of the local Allotment Society, and all-round local organiser.., he was also the local Scout Master, but only while my 3 older brothers were all Boy Scouts, – but we’ve never been that ‘superficial’, ‘status orientated’ type of family, as my dad was originally from the Mitcham Roma Community, and my mother was born into severe poverty in Balham, South East London. – One brother is a retired doctor of academia, another, – [as already mentioned] – rebuilds and reconditions vintage, – and contemporary, – internal combustion engines for a living, both were grammar school educated, and the other brother was a mechanic for Ford Motors for 15 years, and is now a general builder.., not bad considering my family’s humble beginnings. – [my father, god bless him, would often refer to me as the ‘runt of the litter’ – [affectionately] – when introducing us to his business friends at his company’s family events] — So, why do I mention all this? – Well.., I know for a fact many of the locals just see me as the local pariah, someone to be snubbed, dismissed, someone of no value, just someone to be used as nothing more than an easy target, a convenient, but subtly used, societal punching bag for their own personality disorders, repressed inadequacies, inner rage and unprocessed trauma. So, to amuse myself, – I rarely wash the cheap old cars I drive, I sometimes put the trash out in my underwear, I ignore – [but may occasionally ‘subtly’ acknowledge] – those who unwittingly expose their true colours and contemptuous nature towards me, etc. – Yes.., everybody’s got a dark side, – especially within that ‘shadow self’ we all have, – but, if you were surrounded, – [well almost surrounded] – by the amount of arrogant, inconsiderate, condescending.., and thereby thoroughly emotionally ignorant – “I’m far superior to you” – types.., like I am.., I think any authentic person, – [those who generally never wear much of a persona/mask] – would react in a similar fashion. – The studies are true, approximately 80% to 85% of the world’s population lack any real sense of self awareness, and thereby just judge everybody else based on their physical/facial appearance, the way they speak, the language they use, the education they received, the car they drive, the clothes they wear, others opinions, etc, – god, what a peculiar existence that must be.., and one can easily notice the ones that lack, or have very little of, any internal monologue/dialogue going on.., many times resulting in what are just, vapid drones copying everyone else, – you know.., essentially NPCs, not even playing the game, but instead just getting pulled along with it. — [Although.., here I must stress, as valuable as it is, having an inner monologue can result in perpetual loops of anxiety, self doubt and self criticism, – if not kept in check.., and I know that very dark fact all too well. I do also experience ‘visual thinking’ using ‘mental imagery’, regarding certain thought patterns, usually when listening to/or creating ‘music’, sonic textures and soundscapes. Still.., my primary mode of thinking appears to be ’emotional intuition’, especially when I’m gauging/INFJ-scanning others feelings and intentions during conversations and/or experiencing everyday situations, and especially ‘in the moment’.., – in the moment I’m always working off my gut instincts.., my ‘introverted intuition’.] — I must note that not all the neighbours/locals are so judgemental, there are a few genuinely kind, affable, considerate and understanding individuals. A few of the immediate neighbours on either side of our family home appear very kind and thoughtful, – especially towards my mother, – as are many of the older residents, the ones who knew me during my younger, more hedonistic days. But again, the studies ring true, and the rude, patronising, supercilious and arrogant often seem to outweigh the empathetic, understanding and considerate types, at least in MY experience.., the studies hold up… – Still, I digress.., now back to me, being the local pariah and all that, – and no, I’m not being paranoid.., just very, very, self aware, – not self conscious.., that’s altogether a completely different state of mind, but yes, I have been guilty of that too, in the past, especially after the amphetamine psychosis kicked in, during the late 90’s, early 2000’s and.., when I initially started shaving my head. – [Missing out on what was essentially a decade’s worth of sleep, – from ’88 to ’96 – was not good for my mind.., but, I have no regrets, – as I gained a ‘unique’ understanding/perspective of myself, and others, after recovering from that whole experience.]

– [update 2026 – Umm..? Appears the number of NPCs could be even higher, judging by the screenshot above?]

– Interesting thing is, – before I lost all my hair in my late 20’s, resulting in me looking rather gormless and simple minded.., I was treated very differently.., by everyone. Before my appearance changed, I was generally held in ‘relatively’ high regard by my friends, and others, I assume partly due to my very different, quiet, openly sensitive, observant, overly considerate, easy going, but no-nonsense nature, – and as I got a little older, I assume it was my eclectic taste in music, turntable/mixing skills, my building an extremely well kitted out, but still very personal ‘recording studio’.., – and I guess my lifestyle choices and the general lack of ego that can come from said choices, coupled with my subtle autistic ways, probably also added to my.., peculiar mystique? – However, once the hair clippers came out, I got to see in real-time, just how superficial many people can be regarding appearance. Sure, my old friends attitudes were no different, once I started shaving my head, but anyone new coming into the many social circles I would often frequent, would invariably jump to the conclusion that I was just some irrelevant retard, someone of no consequence or importance, – and all that just based on my now gormless appearance and pre-existing, quietly spoken ways… – [I’m very self aware of how others see me, always have been.., in fact much more than they’ll ever know.] – That kind of judgemental behaviour was completely new to me, in fact it took me by surprise just how nasty and belittling some people can be, and I don’t mind admitting that being a hyper sensitive, quietly shy and highly empathic individual, it did get to me after a while, and it hurt me a great deal emotionally, and for a while it broke me spiritually, – [as it dented and then pierced my fragile integrity, resulting in heavy bouts of self-doubt, leaving me feeling quite self-conscious for at least a decade.] – But eventually, those interactions forced me to look inward.., like I really took a long, deep look into the depths of my inner self, which in itself got extremely heavy, – [psychologically] – for over a decade or so. Still.., ultimately I came to appreciate the actions those unmindful ones had compelled me to take, – and I now cherish the results of those actions taken, to this day.

– Yes, I’m aware what we see in others that we don’t like is often a reflection of our own short comings, but in my case I’m never, or very rarely, the one judging others. – I might evaluate, analyse or observe others.., sure.., as an INFJ, that’s what we do 24/7 – but I really try not to judge others unnecessarily. – [note: I’m doing it here ONLY as therapy, to get EVERYTHING of my skinny, boney and uneven chest] – You see, I’m NEVER the one looking down on others, belittling them, being rude, nasty, or.., – like the new couple who have just moved in dead opposite our family home, – making snide remarks with their partner just within earshot, and then both sniggering behind my back as the walk away, – [I assume probably remarks aimed at either my appearance, clumsy communication skills, or my ‘unique’ autistic mannerisms, – these subtle, but obvious ‘put downs’ are usually executed/performed on their way back from the corner shop, or when out pushing their child’s buggy in the evening.] – This kind of behaviour robs me of the dignity to defend myself.., for if I were to turn around and say “Hey! What did you just say, explain yourselves.” – then I become the one that is perceived as the aggressor, by any third parties, – it’s a dirty, cowardly, childish way to behave really, but it exposes their true personality types, and that’s all I need to know, regarding such nasty, narcissistic sociopaths, – probably with poorly understood Machiavellian tendencies too, probably not so much her, but definitely him. – [note; nasty peoples insults will show one where their fears hide, if one knows what to look for, and anyway, around 99% of people are just so predictable and readable for an INFJ, – it’s almost criminal the amount of information we can glean from a simple, passing, passive-aggressive comment – when one analyses an insult, and understands it’s root, one can use it to reveal a person’s insecurities] – I politely made the effort to say hello to his visiting father one morning, soon after the couple moved in.., he just looked at me like I was nothing more than a piece of shit on the bottom of his shoe.., miserable cunt, – still, at least I know where the young husband gets his arrogance and nastiness from. – [sure I might avoid verbal communication much of the time, but that’s just my autism, it’s certainly nothing personal, and I certainly don’t EVER give others dirty looks, or the ‘evil eye’, I usually either silently mouth the word hello, or I just smile a little and nod my head as a polite way of acknowledgement] – When they first moved in I did send them a Christmas card, welcoming them to the street, but they didn’t return that action in kind.., I also used to take in parcels for them when they first moved in, if they weren’t home and the delivery driver didn’t want to leave it exposed on their doorstep, but they never came over and collected their items, I get the strong impression they thought they were so much more above me that they expected me to take the packages over to them, like a good little subordinate. – I saw them return home one day after a package had arrived that I’d taken in, at the request of a delivery driver, the driver had left a card in their post box telling them the parcel was with me, – I then saw the husband refusing to come over and get it, I guess he didn’t want to have to say ‘thank you’ to me, or even acknowledge my existence for that matter, and she was just standing there with the ticket in her hand.., so I immediately opened the door, marched the package over to them, and politely said, “There you are.” to which the wife said ‘thank you’, but the husband just turned his back and walked away into the house ignoring me. – I don’t take in packages for them anymore. — I have to say, in the young wife’s defence, she did immediately bring over a vinyl LP I’d ordered from the states a few years back, when it was delivered to their address by mistake, – hey, credit where credits due. [note; In instances where people are trying to obtain a response out of you by being nasty, mean, condescending, using dirty looks, etc.., silence is ALWAYS the best response.., make eye contact if you want, – but don’t stare, – just make sure to keep your composure, show no emotion, let your body relax, no clenched fists, no clenched jaw, no smile, no frown.., just acknowledge that you heard, or witnessed their failed attempt to manipulate your emotions, but remain absolutely stoic in the way you present yourself, make brief eye contact, and as you turn away make sure they see you closing your eyes, as if to say, – “You’re no threat to me, grow up, I’m not playing your stupid, childish mind games.” – Never feed the arrogant narcissist with a response, – for if you do.., they’ve already won.] — when younger I used to call out the passive-aggressive types in public, – [usually when they were picking on/or belittling other people, not me] – but it invariably creates drama, so I soon learnt to keep my little mouth shut.., unless I thought the situation was going to get out of control, – besides, knowing what I now know, I kind of feel pity for those who have to carry around massive egos and wear such tiring personas, just in order to hide their own inferiority complexes from others, or whatever it is that tortures them internally on a daily basis, to the degree they feel the need to put others down. – Hey, I didn’t judge them.., as is so often the case, they outed themselves, by dropping the act and showing me who they genuinely are when others aren’t around, – without realising just how consciously ‘hyper-aware’ I am,.. of everything.., and everyone… Again, not that that makes me better than them, or anyone else for that matter, just more mindful, which isn’t always an advantage.., especially if one is, like me, emotionally and socially, a ‘hypersensitive’. – Still, I understand now that the unmindful almost always resort to putting others down, and belittling others, just to gain five minutes of feeling superior over someone else, that is until the shame rises up, although that too is often suppressed by the narcissistic, passive-aggressive’s ego. – Anyway.., those moments/interactions have remained on my personal internal hard drive for way too long, like a cache of corrupting cookies, slowly clogging up the system in the background.., but not anymore, – which, as I’ve already stated above, is exactly why I’m here, writing it out, rooting it out, out of my operating system’s code, so to speak.., and into the trash.., before that nastiness, – [and nastiness that never belonged to me in the first place] – slowly takes root again in my subconscious, like some kind of diseased pernicious weed intent on destroying my beautiful garden.

– “Well everything I hate in you, is what I hate in me, – everything that I’m afraid that I might be.” – Annie Hardy/Giant Drag – [Seen The Light] – from the album – [Waking Up Is Hard To Do]

[]

– Funnily enough, the previous couple that lived opposite our family home before were even worse, – being very nasty and over-entitled, – as they would go berserk if anyone dared to park outside their house, despite there being no restrictions. Whether it was a neighbour, or people just parking to pop into the local shops on the corner, one of them, or both would come out and start shouting aggressively, telling people they couldn’t park there, and calling the poor unsuspecting victim every name under the sun. Now, back in the early 2000s, my mother almost died of a cancerous bowel obstruction, – she survived, after serious invasive surgery, but required aggressive chemotherapy. Anyway, one day, one of my brothers had come around to take her for her chemo appointment, and he couldn’t find a place to park, so he thought, – “Oh well, I’m only going to be 30 seconds.” – my mother was always ready at the door, as she has always hated keeping others waiting. So, my brother parks outside their house, exits the car, and before he’s even closed the door, the wife comes running out screaming at him like a banshee possessed.., shouting, – “You can’t fucking park there, move it!” – to which my brother calmly said, – “Ease up, I’m only going to be 30 seconds, I’m just here to pick up my mother, and take her for her chemotherapy.” – to which she replied in an overly aggressive manner, – “I don’t give a fuck about your mother, or her chemotherapy, you aren’t parking there and that’s final!” – the fucking cunt.., no one wishes death upon my mother, if she’d insulted my mother in front of me, I don’t think I could have shown the same restraint my brother did. — [btw, – I’m not a violent person, not at all, I’ve only ever punched one person, and that was aged 11, and I was only sticking up for my two Jehovah’s Witness friends, who would have got a mean beating from their father if they’d fought back against the kid, who had been bullying them on a daily basis for months. Sure the bully had a tough life at home, – I knew that through my mother having cared for him at the local pre-school, – but that was no excuse. I had a friend who was beaten 3 or 4 times a day by his father, and just for being too effeminate. He never bullied anyone, in fact as soon as he was old enough to leave home, he did, a few yeas later he was living in New York, working as a photographer for Time Magazine. Well done Barry. – One of my friends, one of the crazier ones, walked into the local news agents a few years later, where his father had started working.., my friend offered to knock him out if he ever heard he’d beaten Barry ever again, inf ront of al the local customers, one of them looked at me, and I just nodded, to acknowledge it was a fact. He didn’t deny it either, he knew we knew.]

– **Now, fast forward to just a few years back, before the husband moved out, the wife had left him by this stage, but he now had a lodger, a very ignorant, arrogant lodger, just like him and his ex-wife. Now, this lodger had a massive white BMW, and where do you think he dumped it for 7 months of the year, that’s right.., outside our house.., oh the hypocrisy. Now, one day I asked the lodger, very kindly, whether he wouldn’t mind just moving it back a little so it wasn’t so difficult for me getting on and off my own driveway, – his response.., just a condescending sneer as he walked towards his front door. So, the next day, when I came back to the family house, after that interaction.., he had moved the car, but about 6 inches further forward, making it even more difficult for me to get on and off my own driveway, so…., I screeched onto that neighbour’s driveway in my car, hopefully activating his Ring doorbell camera, if he had one, and shouted out at the top of my voice, – “Fucking Cunts!”… – [Yes.., I let my shadow-self over ride that situation, another reason I’m here addressing it all now, and owning it.] – When I woke up the next morning at 7am, guess what, after 7 months the car had finally gone.., ha. – I have my limits, and I absolutely despise hypocrites, [and liars] – and in that moment of frustration all those nasty things they’d said and done to my family over the years, – [and for no other reason other than their own sense of self-entitlement and delusions of grandeur] – all those thoughts came into crystal clear focus within my mind. Anyway, as luck would have it, that following weekend that arrogant, ignorant, entitled neighbour, and his prick of a lodger, moved out. Also, I will mention.., it wasn’t just me who had a problem with the BMW prick, as the neighbours to the right of my mother’s house had to get a ‘courtesy line’ drawn across the entrance to their driveway, and ours, [as we share a dropped curb] – to stop anyone parking over their drive, – because, when the BMW wasn’t dumped outside my mother’s house, the lodger would dump it outside their house, and as their house isn’t as wide as my mothers, he would not only prevent them from parking outside their own house, but also they couldn’t use their driveway, nor could the neighbour next to them park outside his own house either, – the absolute lack of consideration and understanding in my street now is just off the charts. And sadly, as stated above already, it would appear we just ended up with a younger version of the same entitled narcissists, who again obviously think along the lines of, – “Oh we’re so much better than you.” – Yeah.., sure you are.., sure.., you belittling, condescending cunts. – If only they knew just how much I understand about their psychological make-up, as it is all just projection, and their nasty, belittling, condescending attitudes towards me are nothing more than a reflection of their own inner inadequacies and self-hatred. – Still, at least they use their own driveway to park their vehicle on, – plus, in their defence, with my level of self-awareness, I can fully understand why they might, – using their emotionally vapid, tiny little minds, – consider a ‘loser’ like me beneath them. – I sometimes wonder, what’s it like looking on down on other people, putting them down in a passive-aggressive nature, firing off dirty looks? I know how it feels to be on the receiving end all too well, but even during the very rare occasions that I do find myself momentarily feeling hatred towards another.., I’m still not looking down on them, and I’ve never put anyone down in my life, – [although I might call them out with the facts] – I just can’t be that nasty, I would almost certainly feel that kind of hatred too much myself and internalise it.

[]

– Still.., my mother, and brothers, are all well aware of his condescending/contemptuous behaviour towards me, you know, when no one else is around, – the dirty looks, the utter contempt in the tone of his voice, that is if he even acknowledges me. – [they’re well aware of all passive-aggressive infractions against me, from any guilty party, I like to keep my immediate family informed in that regard, – we’re a very close family, never any internal conflict, – and oddly enough, despite me being the youngest, because of my lived experiences, I’m often the one giving the most appropriate emotional support] – He comes across as rather inauthentic, he even appears too embarrassed to use his real first name in a professional context, – [work, mail, post, etc] – I assume because he feels it makes him sound a little too foreign? I don’t know, but it seems weird. – I’m not too keen on my first name either, but I’d never disrespect my mother and father by altering it.., seems a bit weak and pathetic really, especially for someone who acts like they’re far superior to such a pathetic specimen such as myself. – Yes.., I’m being facetious.
– Yeah.., I too can now be nasty.., but I really don’t enjoy it, – [makes me feel physically sick if I’m honest] – and I generally don’t look down on anyone either.., unlike him I guess. Is it because I used to be a druggie, does that make him feel better than me in his mind, or is he just jealous he missed out.., – or is it because I left school at 14 and essentially retired at 40? Does that rub him the wrong way I wonder, – [btw.., I literally worked myself to the bone in some instances, I had to work harder than most.] You see, being an INFJ comes with an extremely high level of pattern recognition, and coupled with my high-functioning autism, I could see decades ago that there was no point in working until I hit the usual retirement age, as there almost certainly won’t be a functioning country left in the near future to enjoy that retirement in. – [anyone who was familiar with the ‘Agenda 21’ action plan in the late 90’s, early 2000’s, could see where the liberal globalists were steering the developed world, and after 9/11 I developed an autistic level of interest in the ‘alternative media’ explosion]

– Oh, wait.., I wonder if he thought I was oblivious to his passive-aggressive spitefulness, nah.., I see and hear EVERYTHING.., and just as it’s intended. – So, what IS he projecting? Jealousy? Envy? Resentment? Unprocessed childhood trauma? – or is he just generally a very bitter and nasty person under that persona of his? – Again, I hold no personal grudges myself, not my style, I have no problem with him, genuinely, even when others are nasty to me, I don’t hold grudges, I used to, but I know it’s such an unhealthy way to respond, but it does stir up internal negative thoughts and doubts I might have about myself. – [If I ever do have a problem with someone, I’m very well aware that it is just exactly that, MY problem, so I just address it, internally] – Again, that’s why I’m here, absorbing my shadow.., owning it, – and this is all just part of the process, and I genuinely thank him for his ‘very small part’ in helping me acquaint myself with this.., darker, nastier side of myself… – [it will come in useful when society soon collapses]
– Honestly.., I thank him.., for I learn so much more about myself, and others, when dealing with those who openly look down on me, than those who just, – very poorly, – pretend to be kind and affable… Thank you for your honesty, – much appreciated.

[]

–

–

– God is the universe’s sub routine, continuously running in the background of one’s conscious mind, – that pure awareness, shared by all, but only noticed by few, an awareness that exists only in the now, for the now, and it is utterly magnanimous. Every living thing is just another vantage point of that same pure awareness, – it’s as if the universe/god created a way to experience itself. – Compassion, that invisible bond one can share with another, is that same pure awareness, connecting with another part of itself, and experiencing and feeling that other self, as its self, in the moment.
— [obviously, this is all just my opinion, – based my time spent working with the Plymouth Brethren and for a Hindu family business, having Jehovah’s Witnesses and Muslims as good friends at school, and information received and considered since, – all those experiences taught me what god isn’t – but, meditation, those random momentary lapses in self, hallucinogens, – [including MDMA, MDA, etc] – any substance that keeps one in the moment, even artificially, get one closer to god.., that pure awareness, – those peak/glimpse experiences where one is literally beside one’s self with joy, or completely lost in the moment but profoundly aware at the same time, they are invariably fleeting moments, for as soon as one starts to become conscious of what is happening and tries to hold on to that moment.., it dissolves. But that pure, unrestrained awareness.., that is god, that is the universe experiencing itself through you, untethered and completely free of one’s own self and one’s own will, – that self, the conscious one, has thoughts, feelings, emotions etc, that self is what always destroys that moment of pure, unadulterated awareness/enlightenment] – There is an old Buddhist quote, – [at least I think it’s Buddhist] – I can’t quite remember the exact quote, or origin, but it goes like this, – “I am nothing, you are nothing, but we are god.”

– “God sleeps in the rock, dreams in the plant, stirs in the animal, and begins to awaken in man.” – [an old Sufi quote, slightly edited, – as not all men/women awaken to their own self awareness, compassion, empathy and understanding, and then do the inner work required to amalgamate those traits into one complete magnanimous being, – in fact most don’t. There are a lot of soulless individuals out there. – [sure, I’m still a work in progress, but at least I’m on the path of.., ‘individuation’] – We can’t exist ‘in that moment’ forever, it would be impractical, but I feel attaining a certain level of ‘Individuation’ is a close second.

– “If all you think you are is piss, shit, blood and bone.., that’s all you’ll ever be.” – Krishna [quote updated.., for a modern audience]

– Personally, I’m more gnostic in my beliefs than religious, – I believe religion is just man’s way of controlling man. But, I do value the teachings of Christ, and I genuinely believe that Jesus, or the purpose of Jesus if he was just an amalgamation of others ideas, wasn’t originally intending/intended to start some religious cult. But Christianity did create the most amazingly advanced, high-trust communities and societies the world has ever seen. – I say ‘did’ because sadly.., the Fabians, socialists and Islamo-communists seem intent on utterly destroying the church, – [and thereby the country] – and their Trogan horse of ‘globalist, liberal progressivism’ has clearly weakened the church beyond all recognition. – Anarcho-tyranny here we come.

– Still..,

• Matthew 18:6 has the solution.., and in Jesus’s own words too. All that ‘turn the other cheek’ nonsense is just bollocks. Jesus was well aware of the dire results from letting vile, unmindful people get away with their barbaric practices on children.., and the fragile.

[]

– Two more short examples.., I’m enjoying removing all this residual malware. – 1.) So, a few years back, another new family, across the road and to the right, were having the previous owners patio dug up. Now, when the skip lorry drove off with all the rubble in the back, about 10 large pieces of hardcore fell off the back of the skip as it pulled away, and the neighbour who was having the work done, saw the hardcore hit the road, and just turned around and walked straight into his house, like it was nothing to do with him. So, being the overly considerate individual I am, – [most of the time] – and not wanting anyone to break their wrist and crash their car by accidentally driving over such material, I went out into the road and put what was closest to his house outside his front wall, on the pavement, and I did the same on my side, in front of my mothers wall. – Now, just by chance, a few weeks later, I caught one of his children throwing the hardcore that I’d temporarily placed outside my mothers house, into my mother’s front garden.., why.., to be nasty, disrespectful? I also once, and extremely politely, asked the wife at that same house if she wouldn’t mind moving her car from outside my mother’s house, for just 2 hours, as my mother had her regular tree surgeons coming around to do some work, and she wanted them to be able to park outside our family home, so they didn’t have to make any mess outside any other neighbour’s home, – we’re overly considerate like that in my family.., did she move it.., did she fuck.., the ignorant, arrogant piece of shit. What is wrong with people, it never used to be like this through the 70s, 80s and 90s. – So many people these days just appear to be of the selfish, inconsiderate, entitled, ignorant, arrogant type, along with the children they raise. – 2.) A longtime neighbour, one of the good, genuinely kind, affable ones, caught another new neighbour, a few years back, putting his garden waste into her domestic waste bin, – [something the local council will fine you for doing so, if they discover the wrong material in the wrong bin]. – Honestly, these days.., the lack of self awareness, along with the complete and utter absence of common decency and respect for others.., it doesn’t surprise me anymore, – and although it doesn’t phase me, personally I just can’t switch off my hyper-awareness and behave like the majority of the others, – [and play their silly little game] – even if I wished so. – I’m compelled to pay attention to what others around me do, so as to behave accordingly, – not to feel superior, or anything like that, but just to remain consciously aware of others actions, and the implications that come from said actions, but without me passing judgment. – I just can’t help but be constantly.., situationally and emotionally aware.., it’s just how I’m wired, – being an INFJ-T.

–

– Oh, and btw.., no apologies for the ‘colourful’ language I use, I am half Roma, – [making me and my 3 brothers literal ‘Diddicoy’] – half South-East Londoner, and authentic working class.., and after all, I did spend half my working life on building sites. Swearing comes naturally to people like me, and besides, I feel more authentic when I don’t hold my tongue, in that regard, it’s like a form of ‘accentuation’ – you know, like a drummer emphasising certain beats for rhythmical effect. I expect my ‘fruity’ language is also taken into account when I’m being judged..? – Still, it’s another effective way of getting people to expose a small part of their character, and I like to analyse the results, you know, see how judgemental and/or superficial they might be by their response. – Being offended is a choice, and generally people only choose to be offended by bad language as a means to feel socially superior to those who.., just don’t give a fuck.., about social validation, or any of that societal performance nonsense. Sure, some people are just a little embarrassed around ‘sexual terminology’, I fully understand that, and if I sense someone is genuinely uncomfortable around ‘naughty words’ I can, and usually do, tone it down, – but like I mention.., it can be a useful tool, and in many situations.

– “The depths of shallowness.” – Daria Morgendorffer

• Oh yes.., this is very cathartic… – Anyway.., half-time break anyone?

– I certainly never think or feel that I’m better than others.., I just don’t feel people are better than me just because they have a better car, or more money coming in.., or because I chose to stay single from my late 20s early 30s, to lookout and care for my mother, [after my father died at a young age] – instead of ‘playing the game’ and getting married, having children, acquiring unnecessary debt, etc, – [btw, mortgage is old French for death pledge] – I mean, one would have to be very shallow to think in such a way, – feeling superior to others that is, – but many apparently do. I’m generally very kind and good natured myself, quiet and sensitive, always have been, to the point that some of the ‘wrong’uns’ I used to associate with via good friends, during my druggie days, would occasionally try to take advantage of me, but because I have always suffered from an autistic level of hyper-vigilance/hyper-awareness, I can see the Machiavellian, manipulating types from a mile away, simply via their tone of voice, micro-expressions and body language. Funnily enough, towards the end of my ‘tour of duty’ so to speak, dealers I had gotten to know well would regularly ask if I trusted certain people, or whether they should take certain actions, – I essentially became an honest, reliable voice of reason, not afraid to tell people when I thought they were crossing the line, or making a mistake, – something one doesn’t find very often in those sorts of environments. You see, when people actually take the time to get to know me, and don’t just brush me aside because I’m.., different, – there are gains to be made, I have my uses socially, emotionally and.., I guess to an uneducated degree.., philosophically. Being a ‘hypersensitive’ individual, who’s nervous system is literally plugged into.., everything and everyone.., gives me a certain perspective. Again, I’m definitely not suggesting I’m better than anyone else, still.., I’ve talked people out of mugging others, selling dodgy drugs, from taking advantage of young ladies, etc, I’ve diffused intense arguments just before they got physical. – I consider myself a good person, – [although I do now appreciate that same ‘good nature’ has been a weakness/obstacle of mine at many times throughout my life] – still, I don’t just go with the flow, just because everyone else does, or because it’s just easier not to rock the boat.., one doesn’t need to be smart, brave, – [or have any kind of status for that matter] – to have the principles of common decency, honour, fairness and honesty.., and I thank my grandmother, mother and father, – [and my three brothers] – for instilling those principles within me.

[]

[] – [above: my father, with my other grandmother, soon after his birth] – picture taken at ‘Redskin Village’, Mitcham, London – mid-1930’s. Many of the settlers on that estate still had the red skin that led to them being referred to as gypsies in the first place, as the indigenous people thought they looked like Egyptians. Gypsies actually originate from Northern India, they were one of the lowest ‘casts’ from places like Rajasthan. – The older woman, holding the dog by its collar, is my great grandmother, known as, – Mother Britannia Gorey, – she was the Matriarch of the entire area, a genuine Roma gypsy-queen, and apparently also known by most other gypsy settlements, nationally, at that time.

‘White Privilege’ ? – go fuck yourself… Work hard, try to be a good person, and ANYONE can escape poverty, just as my father and mother did, – no matter one’s background, or what the colour of one’s skin may be.

– Yes.., with age, and a body now battered, not only by heavy drug use, but also a hard work ethic, consisting of intensive manual labouring.., – I have become a little jaded, but I am absolutely aware of that fact, and function accordingly. in fact I would say I’m even more compassionate and emotional these days, I’m just more selective with my energy. – Oh, by the way, we are not our achievements either. Just because someone went to university, or sits in front of a computer all day and gets paid ridiculous amounts of money for working from home, [like so many appear to do now, especially since ‘Lockdown’] – doesn’t make them any better than say.., a garbage collector, prison janitor, hospital porter, manual site labourer, site manager, warehouse operative, dockyard worker, forklift operator, etc, – [btw, all work I’ve gladly undertaken over the years] – all of whom now, generally get paid less money than those on benefits, – which is disgusting really, when one considers just how essential those positions genuinely are, you know the people who are actually the ‘physical backbone of the economy’ that allows the society to function and exist, and thereby create the environment for those ‘work from home’ or air-conditioned office jobs to exist, – but I often find those who have never done a real hard days labour, will almost always take that backbone of the country for granted. Computers have their uses, I’m not denying that, but personally, I feel we have become way too reliant on them, most people are not at all ready for what will happen.., when the power cuts come, or worse. – [and seriously, does the world really seem any less stressful, or anymore efficient than it was back in the 50’s, 60’s, 70’s and 80’s, – I don’t think so.., – or perhaps I’m projecting, and I’m just a luddite? – Diogenes.., now there’s an individual I can resonate with.]

– I often get the strong impression that many people see me as nothing more than just some kind of mentally deficient, middle-aged mummy’s boy. – Middle-aged mummy’s boy..? Yeah, sure, why not, I’m man enough to admit that, after all, my mother is literally the most understanding and compassionate person I have ever met, and I’m not just saying that because she is my mother, – but I’m no retard, I do have agency, I can think for myself and make my own decisions. – So yeah.., I often get very similar responses from many of those younger, newer couples coming into the street, as already stated above previously. Still, I bite my tongue most of the time… – I can also feel, – [and I’ve been told by many husbands I used to work with] – that many *married males are just envious.., envious that I dared to live my own life, by my own rules, and I never played that whole corporate, status, marriage, mortgage, money, maternity/paternity game. I ain’t smart, but I ain’t no slave either. – I guess I just dared to live the life others dare not lead, and luckily, over time, the pros just outweighed the cons. – [the funny thing about quiet, broken, self-aware men, drugs, self doubt, having those intense inner reflections, etc.., is that this kind of life often comes with an abundance of.., serendipity? for want of a better word – I’ve lost count of the amount of times I was in a state of ‘artificially induced, joyous elation’ only for something amazing and/or profound to happen, thus positively and drastically changing my life forever from that point forward, and as time goes on, if that kind of life remains simple, even when the drugs stop, everything just seems to fall into place effortlessly, – personally, it feels a bit like having a ‘guardian angel’ – but one has to be genuine, kind and honest for it to work out like that, – if one is a dick and screwing people over and trying to have an easy day at the expense of others, one will fail miserably, – I’ve seen it happen to others, usually alcohol is their Achilles heel, and/or a BPD issue, – also enjoying true solitude rarely comes naturally to those who are born into economic societies] — Most people wear their personas when interacting with each other, and there is nothing wrong with that, it’s how society is designed to function, – [behave, don’t rock the boat, mind your language, maintain appearances, don’t go beyond the social norms, don’t get to deep with yourconversations, etc- sure I can see the importance.., that is, if one is intent on playing ‘the game’] – but when it comes to me many just drop the act and treat me with the utmost disdain, they show me who they truly are, I’m beneath them, – [at least that’s what they like to project] – not worthy of their time, effort or consideration, or, they sense I’m just too different/too honest and authentic, and that scares them because I might be able to see behind their mask, – [which I usually can] – so why bother pretending to be nice to me, why would they waste their precious energy pretending to be kind, – like they do when they’re performing for each other, – the answer..? – they just see no personal gain for themselves in someone like me, so I’m either considered of no value, or, they sense my ‘awesome’ levels of self awareness as a threat to their societal performance, – but I see value in everyone, and especially the broken/misanthropic types. The main reason I don’t bite back.., is because it would seriously upset my mother, but also bring me down to their level/lack of self awareness. Besides, I can’t be rude like that anyway, you know, in a subtle, indirect, bitter, condescending, passive-aggressive way, – if I really don’t like someone, they fucking know it, I will make it crystal clear, and I’ll tell them there and then, exactly what it is that they’ve done that’s so bad, or what’s wrong with their personality. Still, I’m quite prepared to accept most, warts and all.., for now… – But yeah, I would say the majority of people I come into contact with appear to be contemptuous cunts, with regards to me anyway, – I mean in all honesty they’re probably like it with most people they come into contact with that they consider beneath them, but those people are probably also too wrapped up in themselves to notice any subtle micro-expressions of negativity/animosity being aimed at them.., for many I guess, ignorance is bliss. – Half the time I feel they just think I’m too stupid to realise just how nasty they’re actually being to me. I mean, if I lived near someone with high functioning autism, who had odd, awkward behaviours, looked a little gormless, and had given up work in labouring to care for their slowly dying mother 24/7.., I’d treat them exactly the same as I do everyone else, – with respect, empathy, compassion and understanding, – why would I treat them any differently to anyone else.., I don’t look down on anyone.

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– [NOT to blow my own trumpet.., but..] – I have personally mentored many people with Asperger’s Syndrome, over a 10 year period, on site, at a previous place of work, – [a site owned, and run, by the Plymouth Brethren] – to evaluate whether the placements could ultimately live and work on their own, and care for themselves in their own accommodation, – obviously with a warden present at the complex where they’d be housed. I also worked with genuine refugees throughout the 2000’s, mostly survivors of genocide, from all over Africa,.., from places such as Malawi, Ghana, Rwanda, Zimbabwe, Kenya the Congo, etc.., different job, but it was me again, metaphorically holding their hands as they learnt to fit into the UK, learnt how things work, what was expected of them within the confines of a hard days manual labouring, etc… I’m certainly not going to suggest I was the best man for the job, but I assume I was chosen [along with a few others] – because of my easy-going, overly considerate, accommodating and hard-working nature, also the company I worked for at that time knew I had witnessed some horrors myself, – overdoses, deaths, stabbings, etc. – Some of the conversations got dark, very dark, especially one fellow from Zimbabwe, – what Mugabe’s men did to his sister.., unimaginable savagery.., and just to send a message to him, and his family, for standing up against Mugabe’s regime. Still, I feel I helped a few of them deal with what they’d been through, at least a little, just by being my usual, sensitively inquisitive, empathetic self and being genuinely interested/invested in their personal stories and experiences. – Oddly enough, – if people don’t have an immediate allergic reaction to my unusual authenticity, – [like many often do] – after a couple of hours of getting to know me, people often relax and pull their persona down, and open up a little, sometimes a lot, depending on the personality type, – [and I’ve been told, multiple times, this is…] – because I’m always brutally honest about myself when I meet new people, I don’t hide anything, I don’t keep up any kind of pretense, and if I think something I’ve experienced or know is relevant, helpful or beneficial in any way, – I’ll bring it up. I’m not embarrassed to talk about my own past anxieties, clinical depression, OCD, germophobia/Mysophobia, substance abuse/addiction issues, my once mild, and almost certainly autistic driven, transvestism [but only when much younger though, and much more feminine/androgynous looking.., but that’s now just a dormant kink, – besides, my libido has always been very, very low, even back then, – probably why the longest relationship I ever had only lasted two years. – still now.., it’s essentially non-existent, – I ain’t no fucking animal, literally, – I’m now just one single vantage point of the universe/god/consciousness, experiencing itself.., most of the time anyway…] – my borderline suicidal experiences [during my mid-30s, just before I started studying psychology online to better understand my.., ‘self’.., and inadvertently.., others too] – etc, etc.., I’ve been there, and some, so what, surviving all those experiences, addictions, tendencies, etc – [and still living with a couple] – only made me a stronger, more understanding individual, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of, – as far as I’m concerned. Again, I don’t consider myself better than anyone else, just a bit more honest, – [perhaps a little more thoughtful and considerate too] – although, by noticing certain ‘others’ negative reactions to said honesty.., well.., that particular trait would often appear to be an almost revolutionary act, when engaging with the.., ‘modern day herd’. – Anyway, most of the African refugees I worked with appeared to be quite appreciative of my empathy, honesty, considerate nature and listening skills, I would even offer to drop them off at their accommodations on the way home after a hard days work. — I feel many see their inner sufferings and past negative experiences as weaknesses, or just too traumatic, or personal to talk about openly, or even confront those issues internally, and thereby they never learn anything from said experiences.., but when one confronts those experiences/weaknesses.., wholeheartedly, and those darker emotions too, it can lead to some of the most powerful personal realisations one could ever wish for. But, many are just too involved in ‘the game’ to lower the mask, and thereby never let others know anything truly personal about themselves, but.., that said, it is also true that a little mystery can go a long way, – especially if one wants to play ‘the game’ and keep up that tedious, superficiality of the never ending performance, – so, many never drop their guard, not even for a single second.., unless they’re dealing with someone who they feel is beneath them.., [then the mask drops, and ‘we’ can see you.]

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– “The wound is the place where the light enters you.” – [Rumi] – and one can choose to share that gained inner light, that is if one can get over their own ego, – but many can’t, they’ve become too attached to their personas, in some cases even fused to them. But the persona is just a societal construct, a performance carefully crafted, over time, to hide the authentic, sovereign self/being beneath.., and it is just as fragile as the ego, especially when confronted by those who don’t feel the need to perform by constantly wearing a mask/persona, – and when people fear being exposed, they become incredibly hostile in an attempt to keep the authentic types at arms length. Also, the persona-heavy types will regularly talk negatively to others about those they feel threatened by, in an attempt to stop those close to them from ever hearing/learning/believing any dark truths about themselves they don’t want revealed. But that fear is completely irrational and unwarranted, as unlike them, – [unless it’s therapy, like it is here] – authentic types don’t think the same way, nor talk about others behind their backs, – that sort of behaviour isn’t something the authentic type enjoys, or takes part in generally, as it’s just more ‘shadow projection’ coming from the unmindful ego’s fear of the persona becoming cracked, or, in some cases, ripped clean off for all to see what’s truly beneath, – it might be the way the unmindful ones think, but not the mindful, – as if necessary, the mindful/authentic types will always confront, and meet the situation head on, – no fucking about or playing Machiavellian mind games of manipulation, – and that’s what the arrogant/narcissistic/performative types fear most.

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[note: Wisdom doesn’t mean Knowledge nor Intelligence… ‘Wisdom’ can only be built from the inside of one’s own actual suffering, – [and doubt] – not around it, – it is not something that can be attained by external experiences/sources alone, those experiences need to affect one internally, and deeply so, for true wisdom to be conceived. – Regarding ‘kindness’, many just offer up a superficial brand of faux-kindness, as most are really just looking for personal gain, or validation, from their interactions with other people. – Wisdom, in my opinion, is always a work in progress, and genuine kindness is the most fertile soil in which it can grow. Although I must admit, as I’ve aged, I’ve come to realise that many are well beyond redemption, and way past saving.

– “Not everyone deserves the Sun.” – Nine Black Alps –

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– Being a hypersensitive individual means one gets wounded quite a lot, because hypersensitives, especially those who live with ‘hyper-vigilance/hyper-awareness’, notice the selfishness and covert maliciousness of others so much more than ‘regular/normal’ people do. It’s not that we take offence, we just take all the nastiness onboard and have to embrace, process, filter and then learn from such interactions. Still, ultimately it works out much better for the hypersensitive than it does the narcissistic, Machiavellian, sociopathic/psychopathic types, – because by their very nature, the ‘dark triad’ types usually lack the ability to genuinely evolve on an emotional level and learn from their own inner turmoils. Rarely, if ever, do the unmindful even attempt to do the work required to become whole.

– [note; Heads up for future reference, – in relationships, psychopaths tend not to have children, where as sociopaths often do, – that’s not a generalisation, obviously one would have to have suspicions first that the individual in question already has some kind of ‘personality disorder”, – a disorder that usually stems from either a repressed inferiority complex, or unprocessed childhood trauma.]

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[] – [above: Zen proverb]

– In regards to the above paragraphs, I feel obliged to mention that I am very, very good at inadvertently rubbing the wrong people, the wrong way, thus exposing their true nature and personality type, especially if they don’t know me very well. But again, that’s not my fault at all, I am who I am, I am not doing anything other than being authentic, I really don’t know any other way.., and regarding those who appear to take offence at those more authentic than themselves.., well again, I guess that’s just what Jung would have referred to as ‘Shadow Projection’. – So.., I guess if I’m not being judged for my gormless appearance, peculiar behaviours, or my linguistic ‘charm’.., I’m probably being judged negatively for being too authentic, and thereby ‘they’ know consciously, or sense subconsciously, that I risk exposing the obvious performances the masses maintain to remain socially acceptable within.., ‘the game’. But.., I must admit I do, very occasionally, play the part I know others have created for me in their heads, just for my own entertainment, as the reactions one gets from such behaviour can be most informative, and oddly beneficial, and all without ever having to judge anyone myself.

– [It’s like that social experiment, where you’re with a person, maybe a new acquaintance, and you want to know what they’re really like.., so while in a social setting, say a restaurant, or hotel lobby, you go to the washroom, but on your way back you take your time, hold back, keep your distance, and just watch to see how said ‘new acquaintance’ treats those that many, – yes many, – would consider beneath them, like say the hotel porter, or the young person waiting the table, – that will tell you so much about someone’s personality, – and.., you’d be surprised just how often, when those acquaintances think you’re not looking, they’ll treat that person they consider lower than them on the food chain with the utmost disdain.] – So yeah, often when meeting someone for the first time, if my intuition smells a rat, I’ll dial up my faux foolishness, or stupidity modes, or just go all-in and full-on with my autistic, no-filter ‘conversational talents’, just to see how nasty and belittling they truly are, – I know, that’s a little dark and Machiavellian, but it saves wasting time with the genuinely, arrogant nastiness of this world, you know, the ones that have an inferiority complex, or something similar, – [nothing wrong with having an inferiority complex] – but are just too ashamed to address it, so they bury those feelings of being inferior, or that unresolved childhood trauma, by making themselves feel superior, at the expense of some hardworking, innocent employee, – or anyone else they just consider of no value, – and I often fall into that category with regards to the more arrogant and unmindful types, – and mostly just because of my appearance.

– Still.., most of the time I’m just endlessly misunderstood by certain types because of my genuine autistic traits, the forwardness/honesty that comes with said traits, and my ‘witless’ appearance, – and I do mean endlessly. – [Although, I do understand that my personality type -INFJ-T – is very hard to read, and will almost certainly play at least a small part in many peoples misconceptions of my true character/personality.] – All the same.., hardly ever do I notice people considering the fact that, – “Oh, maybe this person is different? Maybe they have high-functioning autism? Maybe they’re a little awkward because they’re shy, or lacking in confidence…?” – Nope.., no consideration whatsoever, no empathy and definitely no understanding. Most people are more similar than they are dissimilar, and it would appear a large bulk of the population hate ‘different’, as it requires them to think differently, and that can upset their shallow, narrow-minded views, or.., cause them to look a little too deeply into themselves, revealing negative traits about their own personalities, negative traits they’d prefer were left buried and unaddressed. Those who lack self awareness invariably mistake my shyness for slyness, my quietness as arrogance, my communication skills are drastically different to others as already mentioned, I don’t wear much of a persona, and I know many can’t handle that kind of ‘in your face’ raw honesty, and so generally I avoid small talk with others, if I can, as I find it rather energy-draining, especially with people I don’t know very well, as I have to monitor and edit the truth that usually spills from my lips. – Very occasionally, I do get completely overwhelmed by other peoples persistent inconsideration, ignorance, arrogance, condescension, hypocrisy, etc, – resulting, over time, – [if pushed far enough] – in very loud, uncontrollable outbursts of verbal profanities, – [as explained already above, paragraph **17] – and that often gets misunderstood too, – though I rarely aim the profanities at a particular individual, as I do actually have a high level of tact, one needs tact when one wants to avoid confrontations and drama… But no one’s perfect, – [again, **17] – least of all me. I guess on a societal level.., – I’m often, ‘the cat amongst the pigeons’.

• And believe me.., they do.

– I used to quietly apologise and explain myself all the time, about everything, but with age, drugs, and becoming much more self aware, of my own self awareness iykwim, – [most probably won’t apparently] – I just don’t give a fuck anymore, not in a belligerent way.., but instead in a liberating way, – [although I’m doing it right now, here, explaining that is, but purely for personal cathartic purposes]. – If I’m being honest, which I always am, – [brutally] – up until around 20 years ago, I used to feel really hurt if someone took a disliking to me, – I would feel as if it were a problem within me, that I lacked something, or I wasn’t good enough.., and I guess that’s partly because I’ve always lacked confidence, and also because I would always internalise all my excessive thinking and feeling, – that is if I wasn’t apologising for someone else’s misunderstanding of me – but I eventually started to realise, — [after my mother opened up around 2005 about the truth behind why I was heavily medicated at age five, – originally I was told it was just to help me sleep, not make me completely acquiescent within large classrooms full of noisy children.., something I never could have done straight looking back on it] — if someone has a problem with me, it is exactly that, their problem, not mine. Yes.., I was diagnosed as ‘different’ at a very young age, and now I own that being ‘different’. What other people think of me is none of my business, in general, as long as I know I’ve done nothing wrong intentionally, – [other than being my brutally honest and awkward self] – they can go fuck themselves. People are mean, nasty, rude, condescending and belittling to me surprisingly often, just because of my gormless appearance, or my socially awkward, introverted, autistic behaviours, or my no-filter, colourful language when I do engage, etc, – but I just choose not to be offended, or emotionally invested in such trivial matters anymore.., – while they clearly assume I don’t even notice their snide remarks, dirty looks, or the utter contempt in the tone of their voices, etc.., simply because, they themselves aren’t at all self-aware of the fact that they are just projecting their own shadow, and thus exposing their own inner turmoils, or.., they are just genuinely nasty, insensitive, unmindful individuals. People are so good at unwittingly revealing their true nature, and yet they’re just so utterly oblivious to that fact.., something I’ve always found personally entertaining, – plus it gives me an edge over them, because I know they have no idea what I’m actually, and genuinely like, because they’ve already judged me, – and often unfairly because most are just too quick to judge others.., imho. – So, I usually just smile and nod in their direction, with my face slightly tilted down, so as not to look provocative, – occasionally I’ll call them out.., but mostly not, depends on what mode I’m in.., self-aware mode, or.., full-on autistic, matter of fact mode. Taking offence is a choice, not a right, nor a necessity. And, as I’ve discovered over the years, those who choose to be offended, play the victim, start the fight, etc, are best avoided, as they will come with much unnecessary drama and woe for all those around them.

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[] – [above quote] – Confucius

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[above – How I ‘try to feel’ on the inside nowadays.., in 2026, – along with the image directly below.., of course. – Yeah.., try as I may, I can’t take myself too seriously anymore, – been there, done that.., – and, as stated at the beginning of this page, – this blog is a ‘restrained’ venture into narcissism, with its primary purpose being more to confront and absorb the more negative aspects of my shadow self.., by getting others unmindful malware of my own internal systems, more than anything else. — Still. I’m well aware that there is one major thing left to overcome, but I have no control over that factor, regarding the timing of the event, – and I’m in no rush to see the end of my mother, but I do feel confidently prepared for that inevitable day. – Will I try and fight to stop myself from being pulled into that abyss.., or will I just let go?]

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“The very powerful, and the very stupid, have one thing in common. They don’t alter their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views, – which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering.” – Dr Who – [Tom Baker – The Face of Evil. 1977]

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the therapy cell ~ 2010 [pre MacBook]
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Revoltech EVA-01 v2.0
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