a cathartic venture into restrained-narcissism – and some yet unaddressed ‘shadow work‘ –

– Even after having landed on this rock over 5 decades ago, to this day I still struggle to recognise and understand the world and reality I find myself in.

– What a strange world it is where some of the most aggressive, vain, self obsessed, and almost certainly psychopathic, narcissistic and Machiavellian-like creatures on the planet are also considered, by the uneducated masses, to be the most intelligent and distinguished, – and therefore left to lead and control us, – while they quite clearly regard the masses with the utmost contempt.

– I’ve been swerving all responsibilities – and authorities – most of my earthbound life. I would describe myself as a kind of socially corrupted, culturally subverted, happily introverted, interplanetary Peter Pan.

– After ‘clubbing myself to death’, in and around North/South London, from ’88 – ’96, I’ve spent the last few decades recovering from varying degrees of social anxiety, heavy bouts of clinical depression and mild insomnia. But, all of my ‘difficulties’ pre-existed long before those glorious days of my misspent youth, in one form or another, many tied to my high functioning autism, but the longterm heavy use of amphetamines and hallucinogens, etc, in those younger years, seriously exacerbated each condition considerably, – that is, once all the intensive clubbing/partying ceased, and I finally came down. – [btw.., I certainly don’t consider myself special, a victim, or anything like that, because of my conditions. If anything I just consider myself a successful under achiever, a happily content loser, – but probably in a very different way to how most others might interpret those terms.]

– But, I wouldn’t change a thing as, – clubbing, drugs, music, way too many friends/associates during my prime years, memories that will stay with me forever, a life many could never dream of, let alone understand.., even with all the problems that come with that sort of lifestyle? – yeah, totally worth it, – also, it did cure my OCD, and the aftermath forced me to dig deep into my self to find everlasting solutions to, – previously, – lifelong difficulties, and gave me an understanding of others that even surprises me. Again, I’m not suggesting I’m special/intelligent, most certainly not, – I’m just a loser who worked too hard, and played too hard. Also, the more conscious I’ve become, – by having to look inward to the degree I have, – the more isolated I find myself, but I’ve always craved solitude, – unless I’m on amphetamines or psychedelics, – so that’s no bad thing.

– Also, I was almost certainly born with what is now called, – Neonatal Abstinence Syndrome, – or what was once just called ‘Withdrawal’. My mother was prescribed large doses of Diazepam/Valium during the last 6 months of her pregnancy with me, this appears to have resulted in untreated withdrawal, – and the knock-on effect of said withdrawal is quite possibly what left me with zero confidence, essentially for my entire life, – but it never affected my ability to do a hard days work, or male friends, although I do feel it probably played a large role in my lifestyle choices… I must stress, I certainly don’t blame my mother for any of my problems, she was, and is an absolute angel, who, despite having 4 sons of her own, also spent many decades of her life caring for other people’s children, – as a pre-school teacher, as a nanny, and as a specialist nurse looking after severely disabled, and occasionally severely disturbed children. – The 70’s were a long time ago, and many medications were still in their infancy, relatively, and so the long term side effects were not yet known.

– I realise now that taking drugs really helped lower the intensity of the excessive, external stimuli that comes with the weird, hyper-vigilant, hyper-aware and hyper-emotional brand of autism I have, – stimuli that used to overwhelm me while straight, – especially when very young, – like.., I really didn’t like going to new places, or meeting new people in my very early years, – [still don’t really, but no one would ever notice these days] – it was just too overwhelming. But, now I just accept that I have a kind of ‘introverted intuition’, – [and the burden of high functioning autistic levels of ‘hyper-empathy’ and ‘hyper-awareness’] – giving me a level of awareness that is much more a curse, than it is a blessing, [a kind of ‘Differentiated Perception’, as Jung would have called it] – but back in the 70’s when I was first medicated for my behaviours/sanity, around the age of 5, I was just considered emotionally and socially hypersensitive, resulting in me being labelled as just.., overly shy and anxious. – The ’emotional/situational hyper-vigilance’ and the nervousness that comes with it, due to my entire nervous system being too plugged into everyones emotions and everything else 24/7, is probably why I went too far with certain substances during my teens, 20’s and early 30’s, – despite being double-clued up on what I was doing, and taking, – also my dad dying in his early 50’s while I was still hitting the clubs and amphetamines pretty hard, probably didn’t help my ‘addictive personality’ issues. But that said, the social freedoms and spontaneity drugs delivered – [by blocking off my nervous system from the excessive amounts of unwanted external stimuli] – were quite new experiences for someone like me, and those freedoms were certainly more addictive than the drugs themselves, – but I needed one to get the other. – btw, my ‘hyper-vigilance’ isn’t a result of any external childhood trauma, or PTSD per se, but instead having just lived my entire life with a complete and utter lack of confidence, which used to leave me feeling permanently on edge, – but not so much these days.., not so much at all.

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– The purpose of this data is to give myself a creative outlet, in the hope of freeing my alien mind from the velvet rut of contentment that it currently resides within, and maybe in the process push myself to confront the myriad of demons that have stalked me since my arrival on this Earth.

– THERAPY, in other words. – Or, maybe I’m attempting to confront my ‘shadow self’, those aspects of my personality that I fear the most, – my weaknesses, my sensitivities, my darker thoughts, my suppressed aggressions, things that might have once embarrassed me, or have slowly eaten away at me over the years, etc?
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– It will never be my intention to offend, insult, or hurt any other soul, – of any race, religion, sexuality or creed,
…. but, due to my high functioning autism, I am not the greatest of communicators, so I apologise fully, and in advance, for any distress that might arise due to comments, misunderstandings or subject matter created by me. I guess I should also point out due to my autism, I consider myself to have the emotional age of a very level-headed teenager, and as a direct result of having lived/suffered well over 40 years dealing with that difficulty, probably the wisdom of someone a little older than myself, – [but I don’t consider myself mentally intelligent, although I do have an abundance of emotional intelligence, probably a little too much] – and due to all the hard physical labour, and excessive amounts of ‘various substances’ taken over the years.., physically I feel like I’m around 65+ years of age. – So, I’ve essentially ended up as just a very immature old man, who understands way more than one ever could have wanted, but much of the time I still lack the ability to communicate in a cohesive manner, that is, with those who don’t know me too well… – So yeah, I’m nothing special.., if anything I’m cursed.., cursed to see, hear, experience and absorb everything, no matter how subtle, disguised, or slight, that thing might be.

– below [updated and sections added – between 2022 and 2026, – Just needed some space, to get some residual malware of my own internal, electro-chemical hard drive]

– [This is where I get into severely uneducated autistic detail, with examples, observations, etc, of just how most people view me today, and undoubtably just because of my appearance, odd autistic mannerisms, my no-nonsense approach to everything, my perceived low intelligence, my awkward and often unreadable personality type, etc. – So, please feel free to skip the rest of this nonsense, I’m sure there will be some repetition and overlap from paragraph to paragraph, but that’s just the nature of dealing with, and rooting out, what are essentially caches of ‘neural’ malware, slowing down my own internal ‘operating system’.., iykwim..? – What follows is just personal, therapeutic text/rambling, and definitely not intended to hurt or offend ANYONE, no matter how negative it may come across as, – I swear for effect when writing, but never with intent, and I write EXACTLY as I speak, although it’s difficult to slur text and imply speed of delivery when one is limited to writing. The following sections are just another part of the process, aiding me in the assimilation of my.., ‘shadow-self’ – there, does that sound pretentious enough? – Also.., I feel I must stress, what follows isn’t because I’m bitter, angry, disgruntled, or anything negative like that, – I’ve fallen into that futile trap before, that utter waste of time and emotional energy.., taking everything too seriously, wandering what’s wrong with me.., and why the unmindful types often have a problem with me… Never again.] – Still, ultimately I’ve come to understand exactly what Alan Watts meant when he said, – and this might be a slight misquote here, – “What other people think of me, is none of my business.” – But, I’m almost certainly an INFJ, – [one of Myers-Briggs 16 personality types] – and being so I can’t help but notice and feel.., absolutely EVERYTHING. Every micro-expression, every pregnant pause, every subtle change in the tone of someone’s voice, every covert, supercilious, disdainful stare, – often I feel I can even ascertain peoples personalities, simply by reading their innocent enough scribblings or online text…

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– That said.., now tired of what was once my old, overly considerate self.., I do, occasionally, do subtle things to bug people on purpose, but ONLY if I notice they’re looking down on me, or I hear them making snide remarks behind my back, or giving me undeserved dirty looks, and they do this invariably just because of my gormless appearance, or my socially awkward, autistic behaviours, or my no-filter/brutally honest approach to conversations, that is, when I choose to converse, – also, I do still get the occasional – “You look very young for your age” – comment from people who don’t know me well, – so maybe that’s another factor as to why so many often consider me.., not worth the effort. Like for instance, where I’ve lived for the last 50 odd years, the family home, – [where I now live full-time in order to care for my mother 24/7, who has severe COPD, Heart Failure issues, etc] – not all, but many of the locals are playing the status game, to varying degrees.., keeping up appearances, wearing their personas and playing their roles when they interact with each other, – [so generally most conversations/interactions feel rather performative and surface level to someone like me, although one or two of my neighbours are quite open to engaging in deeper, meaningful conversations] – driving expensive cars, portraying a clean living lifestyle, etc, and there always appears to be building work going on.., it wasn’t always like this, the area has over recent years, started to become populated by those who are.., pretentiously superior, glib, maybe even a little snobbish and superficial, iykwim..? – So, why do I mention this? – Well.., I know many of them just see me as the local pariah, someone to be snubbed, dismissed, someone of no value, just someone to be used as nothing more than an easy target, a convenient, but subtly used, societal punching bag for their own personality disorders, repressed inadequacies, inner rage and unprocessed trauma. So, to amuse myself, – I rarely wash the cheap old cars I drive, I sometimes put the trash out in my underwear, I ignore – [but may subtly acknowledge] – those who unwittingly expose their true colours and contemptuous nature towards me, etc, – yes.., everybody’s got a dark side, but, if you were surrounded, – well almost surrounded, – by the amount of arrogant, inconsiderate, condescending “I’m superior to you” pricks, like I’m surrounded by, I think any authentic person, – [those who never wear a persona/mask] – would react in a similar fashion. – The studies are true, approximately 80% to 85% of the world’s population lack any real sense of self awareness, and thereby just judge everybody else based on their physical/facial appearance, the way they speak, the language they use, the education they received, the car they drive, the clothes they wear, others opinions, etc, – god, what a peculiar existence that must be.., and one can easily notice the ones that lack, or have very little of, any internal monologue/dialogue going on.., many times resulting in, what are just, vapid drones copying everyone else, – you know.., NPCs, not even playing the game, but instead just getting pulled along with it. – [Although.., here I must stress, as valuable as it is, having an inner monologue can result in perpetual loops of anxiety, self doubt and self criticism, – if not kept in check.., and I know that very dark fact all too well. I do also experience ‘visual thinking’ using ‘mental imagery’, regarding certain thought patterns, usually when listening to/or creating music, sonic textures and soundscapes. But.., my primary mode of thinking appears to be ’emotional intuition’, especially when I’m gauging others feelings and intent during conversation and/or experiencing certain situations, and especially ‘in the moment’.., – in the moment I’m always working off my gut instincts and my ‘introverted intuition’.] – Still, not all the neighbours/locals are so judgemental, there are a few genuinely kind, affable, considerate and understanding individuals, especially the older ones, the ones who knew me in my younger days. But again, the studies ring true, and the rude, patronising, supercilious and arrogant drastically outweigh the empathic, understanding and the compassionate, at least in my experience.., the studies hold up… – Still, I digress.., now back to me, being the local pariah and all that, and no, I’m not being paranoid.

– [update 2026 – Umm.., looks like the numbers could be even higher?]

– Interesting thing is, – before I lost all my hair in my late 20’s, resulting in me looking rather gormless and simple minded.., I was treated very differently.., by everyone. Before my appearance changed, I was generally held in ‘relatively’ high regard by my friends, and others, I assume partly due to my quiet, observant, overly considerate, easy going, but no-nonsense nature, – and as I got older, I assume it was my eclectic taste in music, turntable/mixing skills, my building an extremely well kitted out, but still very personal ‘recording studio’.., and my lifestyle choices, together with my subtle autistic ways, probably also added to my.., mystique? – However, once the hair clippers came out, I got to see in realtime, just how superficial many people can be regarding appearance. Sure, my old friends attitudes were no different, once I started shaving my head, but anyone new coming into the many social circles I would often frequent, would invariably jump to the conclusion that I was just some irrelevant retard, someone of no consequence or importance, – and all that just based on my appearance and quietly spoken ways… That kind of judgemental behaviour was completely new to me, in fact it took me by surprise just how nasty some people can be, and I don’t mind admitting that being overly sensitive, quietly shy and highly empathic, it did get to me after a while, and it hurt me a great deal, emotionally and spiritually, – but eventually, those interactions forced me to look inward, like I really took a long, deep look into my inner self/depths, which got extremely heavy, – [psychologically] – for over a decade or so. Still.., ultimately I came to appreciate the actions those unmindful ones had compelled me to take, – and I cherish the results of those actions taken, to this day.

– Yes, I’m aware what we see in others that we don’t like is often a reflection of our own short comings, but in my case I’m never, or very rarely, the one judging others. – I might evaluate, analyse or observe others.., sure.., as an INFJ, that’s what we do 24/7 – but I really try not to judge others unnecessarily. – [note: I’m doing it here ONLY as therapy, to get EVERYTHING of my skinny, boney and uneven chest] – You see, I’m NEVER the one looking down on others, belittling them, being rude, nasty, or.., – like the new couple who have just moved in dead opposite our family home, – making snide remarks with their partner just within earshot, and then both sniggering behind my back, – [I assume probably at either my appearance, communication skills, or my ‘unique’ autistic mannerisms, – these subtle, but obvious ‘put downs’ are usually executed/performed on their way back from the corner shop, or when out pushing their child’s buggy in the evening.] – This kind of behaviour robs me of the dignity to defend myself.., for if I were to turn around and say “Hey! What did you just say, explain yourselves.” – then I become the one that is perceived as the aggressor, by any third parties, – it’s a dirty, cowardly, childish way to behave, but it exposes their true personality types, and that’s all I need to know, regarding such nasty, narcissistic sociopaths, – probably with Machiavellian tendencies too. – [note; In instances where people are trying to obtain a response out of you by being nasty or mean.., silence is ALWAYS the best response.., make eye contact if you want, – but don’t stare, – just make sure to keep your composure, show no emotion, let your body relax, no clenched fists, no clenched jaw, no smile, no frown.., just acknowledge that you heard their failed attempt to manipulate your emotions, but remain absolutely stoic in the way you present yourself, make brief eye contact, and as you turn away make sure they see you closing your eyes, as if to say, – “Your no threat to me, grow up, I’m not playing your stupid game.” – Never feed the Machiavellian narcissist with a response, – for if you do.., they’ve already won.] – I used to call out the passive-aggressive types in public, but it invariably creates drama, so I soon learnt to keep my little mouth shut.., besides, knowing what I know now, I kind of feel pity for those who have to carry around massive egos and wear such tiring personas, just in order to hide their own inferiority complexes, or whatever it is that tortures them internally to the degree they feel the need to put others down. – Hey, I didn’t judge them.., as is so often the case, they outed themselves, by dropping the act and showing me who they genuinely are when others aren’t around, – without realising just how consciously ‘hyper-aware’ I am,.. of everything.., and everyone… Again, not that that makes me better than them, just more mindful, which isn’t always an advantage.., especially if one is, like me, emotionally and socially, a ‘hypersensitive’. – I said “Good morning” to the young man’s visiting father once, soon after the young couple moved in, while I was out front, giving my car its yearly wash before its MOT, – he just gave me the hate-filled, ‘evil eye’ look and didn’t say a word, you know, that kind of stare that clearly says, – “Why would I waste any of my time or energy acknowledging someone who is of no value to me.., someone of such low social standing?” – so, I can see where the young man gets it from. Still, this sort of behaviour doesn’t bother me anymore, it used to, but not now, I understand now that it’s just projection, usually stemming from some sort of inferiority complex, or childhood trauma, or just pure nastiness. The unmindful usually resort to putting others down, and belittling others, just to gain 5 minutes of feeling superior over someone else, that is until the shame rises up, although that too is often suppressed by the narcissistic, passive-aggressive mind. – Those moments/interactions used to remain on my personal internal hard drive for way too long, like a cache of cookies, slowly clogging up the system in the background.., but not anymore, – which, as I’ve already stated, is exactly why I’m here, writing it out, rooting it out, out of my operating system’s code, so to speak.., and into the trash.., before that nastiness, – [and nastiness that never belonged to me in the first place] – slowly slithers back into my subconscious, like some kind of diseased pernicious weed intent on destroying my beautiful garden.

– “Well everything I hate in you, is what I hate in me, – everything that I’m afraid that I might be.” – Annie Hardy/Giant Drag – [Seen The Light] – from the album – [Waking Up Is Hard To Do]

– Funnily enough, the previous couple that lived opposite our family home before were even worse, – being very nasty and overentitled, – as they would go berserk if anyone dared to park outside their house, despite there being no restrictions. Whether it was a neighbour, or people just parking to pop into the local shops on the corner, one of them, or both would come out and start shouting aggressively, telling people they couldn’t park there, and calling the poor unsuspecting victim every name under the sun. Now, back in the early 2000s, my mother almost died of a cancerous bowel obstruction, – she survived, but required aggressive chemotherapy. Anyway, one day, one of my brothers had come around to take her for her chemo appointment, and he couldn’t find a place to park, so he thought, – “Oh well, I’m only going to be 30 seconds.” – my mother was always ready at the door, as she has always hated keeping others waiting. So, my brother parks outside their house, exits the car, and before he’s even closed the door, the wife comes running out screaming at him like a banshee possessed.., shouting, – “You can’t fucking park there, move it!” – to which my brother calmly said, – “Ease up, I’m only going to be 30 seconds, I’m just here to pick up my mother, and take her for her chemotherapy.” – to which she replied in an overly aggressive manner, – “I don’t give a fuck about your mother, or her chemotherapy, you aren’t parking there and that’s final!” – the fucking cunt.., no one wishes death upon my mother, if she’d insulted my mother in front of me, I don’t think I could have shown the same restraint my brother did. – [btw, – I’m not a violent person, not at all, I’ve only ever punched one person, and that was aged 11, and I was sticking up for my 2 Jehovah’s Witness friends, who would have got a mean beating from their father if they’d fought back against the kid who had been bullying them on a daily basis for months.]

– **Now the husband, oh the husband.., he insulted another of my brothers, in my brother’s own workshop. The husband’s car engine had been making an awful noise, so he took it to my brother’s workshop, where he reconditioned/reconditions engines for a living, and asked him if he could have a look at it. So, my brother said, – “Okay let’s have a listen to it first.” – So the husband starts the engine up and immediately my brother shouts out, – ‘Turn it off, turn it off!” – to which he complies. My brother then tells him to pop the hood, my brother instinctively goes straight for the dip-stick, pulls it out and states, – “There’s your problem, there’s no fucking oil in the engine, and by the smell of it, there hasn’t been any oil in it for days.” – Now, the husband, like the wife, has a massive ego, so he immediately goes on the attack saying, – “You don’t know what you’re fucking talking about, there was oil in that yesterday.” in an aggressive South East London accent, – to which my brother, who is also a biker, puts the dipstick in his face as evidence. Now this brother is a Grammar School educated, grease monkey.., obsessed with the internal combustion engine, and not only did/does he own the business, but he’d worked there since he’d left school, so he didn’t take offence, he knew his capabilities and worth, but he did refuse to do the work, and told him it wasn’t worth the agro, considering he’d already told my brother it had been making the awful noise for days. – [Now, back to me.] – Fast forward to just a few years back, before he moved out, the wife had left him by this stage, but he had a lodger, a very arrogant lodger, just like him. Now, this lodger had a massive white BMW, and where do you think he dumped it for 7 months of the year, that’s right.., outside our house.., oh the hypocrisy. Now, one day I asked the lodger, very kindly, whether he wouldn’t mind just moving it back a little so it wasn’t so difficult for me getting on and off my own driveway, – his response, just a condescending sneer as he walked towards his front door. So, the next day, when I came back to the family house, after that interaction, he had moved the car, but about 6 inches further forward, making it even more difficult for me to get on and off my own driveway, so…., I screeched onto that neighbour’s driveway in my car, hopefully activating his Ring doorbell camera, if he had one, and shouted out at the top of my voice, – “Fucking Cunts!”… – When I woke up the next morning at 7am, guess what, after 7 months the car had finally gone.., ha. – I have my limits, and I absolutely despise hypocrites, [and liars] – and in that moment of frustration all those nasty things they’d said and done to my family over the years, [and for no reason at all other than their own sense of self-entitlement] – all those thoughts came into crystal clear focus within my mind. Anyway, as luck would have it, that following weekend that arrogant, ignorant, entitled neighbour, and his prick of a lodger, moved out. Also, I will mention.., it wasn’t just me who had a problem with the BMW prick, as the neighbours to the right of my mothers house had to get a ‘courtesy line’ drawn across the entrance to their driveway, and ours, [as we share a dropped curb] – to stop anyone parking over their drive, – because, when the BMW wasn’t dumped outside my mother’s house, the lodger would dump it outside their house, and as their house isn’t as wide as my mothers, he would not only prevent them from parking outside their own house, but also they couldn’t use their driveway, nor could the neighbour next to them park outside his own house either, – the absolute lack of consideration and understanding in my street now is just off the charts. And, sadly, as stated above already, it would appear we just ended up with a younger version of the same entitled narcissists, who again obviously think along the lines of, – “Oh we’re so much better than you.” – Sure you are.., sure.., you mean, nasty, belittling, condescending cunts, – lol, if only they knew just how much I understand about their psychological make-up, as it is all just projection, and their condescending attitudes towards me are nothing more than a reflection of their own inner inadequacies. – Still, at least they use their own driveway to park their vehicle on.

One more..? Just a quick one, maybe two.., I’m enjoying getting this residual malware off my mind. – 1.) So, a few years back, another new family, across the road and to the right, were having the previous owners patio dug up. Now, when the skip lorry drove off with all the rubble in the back, about 10 large pieces of hardcore fell off the back of the skip as it pulled away, and the neighbour who was having the work done, saw the hardcore hit the road, and just turned around and walked straight into his house, like it was nothing to do with him. So, being the overly considerate individual I am, – [most of the time] – and not wanting anyone to break their wrist and crash their car by accidentally driving over such material, I went out into the road and put what was closet to his house outside his front wall, on the pavement, and I did the same on my side, in front of my mothers wall. – Now, just by chance, a few weeks later, I caught one of his children throwing the hardcore that I’d placed outside my mothers house, into my mother’s front garden.., why..? For fun..? To be nasty? – What is wrong with people, it never used to be like this through the 70s, 80s and 90s.., is it social media? Is it a status thing? Is it a lack of respect for others..? – So many people these days just appear to be of the selfish, inconsiderate, entitled, ignorant, arrogant type. — 2.) Also, a longtime neighbour, one of the good, genuinely kind, affable ones, caught another new neighbour, a few years back, putting his garden waste into her domestic waste bin, – [something the local council will fine you for doing so, if they discover the wrong material in the wrong bin]. – Honestly, these days.., the lack of self awareness, along with the complete and utter absence of common decency and respect for others property.., is just unfathomable, – and although it doesn’t phase me, I just can’t switch off my hyper-awareness and behave like the majority of others do, even if I wished so. – I’m compelled to pay attention to what others around me do, so as to behave accordingly, – not to feel superior, or anything like that, but just to remain consciously aware of others actions, and the implications that come from said actions, but without me passing judgment. – I just can’t help but be constantly.., situationally and emotionally aware.., it’s just how I’m wired.

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– Oh, and btw.., no apologies for the ‘colourful’ language I use, I am half Roma, half South-East Londoner, and thereby authentic working class.., and after all, I did spend half my working life on building sites. Swearing comes naturally to people like me, and besides, I feel more authentic when I don’t hold my tongue, in that regard, it’s like a form of ‘accentuation’ – you know, like a drummer emphasising certain beats for rhythmical effect. I expect my ‘fruity’ language is also taken into account when I’m being judged..? – Still, it’s another effective way of getting people to expose a small part of their character, and I like to analyse the results, you know, see how judgemental and/or superficial they might be by their response. – Being offended is a choice, and people generally choose to be offended by bad language as a means to play the victim.., or, feel superior to those who.., just don’t give a fuck. Sure, some people are just a little embarrassed around ‘sexual language’, I understand that, and if I feel someone is genuinely uncomfortable around ‘naughty words’ I can, and usually do, tone it down, – but like I mention.., it can be a useful tool, and in many situations.

– “The depths of shallowness.” – Daria Morgendorffer

• Oh yes.., this is very cathartic… – Anyway.., half-time break anyone?

– I certainly never think or feel that I’m better than others.., I just don’t feel people are better than me just because they have a better car, or more money coming in.., or because I chose to stay single from my late 20s early 30s, to lookout and care for my mother, [after my father died at a young age] – instead of ‘playing the game’ and getting married, having children, acquiring unnecessary debt, etc.., I mean, one would have to be very shallow to think in such a way, – feeling superior to others that is, – but many apparently do. I’m generally very kind and good natured myself, quiet and sensitive, always have been, to the point that some of the ‘wrong’uns’ I used to associate with via good friends, during my druggie days, would occasionally try to take advantage of me, but because I have always suffered from an autistic level of hyper-vigilance/hyper-awareness, I can see the Machiavellian, manipulating types from a mile away, simply via their tone of voice, micro-expressions and body language. Funnily enough, towards the end of my ‘tour of duty’ so to speak, dealers I had gotten to know well would regularly ask if I trusted certain people, or whether they should take certain actions, – I essentially became an honest, reliable voice of reason, not afraid to tell people when I thought they were crossing the line, or making a mistake, – something one doesn’t find very often in those sorts of environments. You see, when people actually take the time to get to know me, and don’t just brush me aside because I’m.., different, – there are gains to be made, I have my uses socially, emotionally and philosophically, even though I despise socialising. Being a ‘hypersensitive’ individual, who’s nervous system is literally plugged into.., everything and everyone.., gives me a certain perspective. Again, I’m definitely not suggesting I’m better than anyone else, but.., I’ve talked people out of mugging others, selling dodgy drugs, from taking advantage of young ladies, etc, I’ve diffused intense arguments just before they got physical. – I consider myself a good person, – [although I do now appreciate that same ‘good nature’ has been a weakness/obstacle of mine at many times throughout my life] – still, I don’t just go with the flow, just because everyone else does, or because it’s just easier not to rock the boat.., one doesn’t need to be smart, brave, – [or have any kind of status for that matter] – to have the common principles of decency, honour and honesty.., and I thank my grandmother, mother and father for instilling those principles within me.

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[] – [above: my father, with my other grandmother, soon after his birth] – picture taken at ‘Redskin Village’, Mitcham, London – mid-1930’s. Many of the settlers on that estate still had the red skin that led to them being referred to as gypsies in the first place, as the indigenous people thought they looked like Egyptians. Gypsies actually originate from Northern India, they were one of the lowest ‘casts’ from places like Rajasthan. – The older woman, holding the dog by its collar, is my great grandmother, known as, – Mother Britannia Gorey, – she was the Matriarch of the entire area, a genuine Roma gypsy-queen, and apparently also known by most other gypsy settlements, nationally, at that time.

‘White Privilege’ ? – go fuck yourself… Work hard, try to be a good person, and ANYONE can escape poverty, just as my father and mother did, – no matter what the colour of one’s skin may be.

– Yes, with age I’ve become a little jaded, but I am absolutely aware of that fact, and function accordingly. – Oh, by the way, we are not our achievements either. Just because someone went to university, or sits in front of a computer all day and gets paid ridiculous amounts of money for working from home, [like many appear to do now, especially since ‘Lockdown’] – doesn’t make them better than say.., a garbage collector, prison janitor, hospital porter, manual labourer, site manager, warehouse operative, dockyard worker, forklift operator, etc, – [btw, all work I’ve gladly undertaken over the years] – all of whom now, generally get paid less money than those on benefits, – which is disgusting really, when one considers just how essential those positions genuinely are, you know the people who are actually the ‘physical backbone of the economy’ that allows the society to function and exist, and thereby create the environment for those ‘work from home’ jobs to exist, – but those who have never done a real hard days labour, will almost always take that backbone of the country for granted. Computers have their uses, but personally, I feel we have become way too reliant on them, most people are not at all ready for what will happen.., when the power cuts come, or worse.

– I often get the impression that most people see me as nothing more than just some kind of mentally deficient, middle-aged mummy’s boy. – Middle-aged mummy’s boy..? Yeah, sure, why not, I’m man enough to admit that, after all, my mother is literally the most understanding and compassionate person I have ever met, and I’m not just saying that because she is my mother, – but I’m no retard, I do have agency, I can think for myself and make my own decisions. – So yeah.., I often get very similar responses from many of the others too, especially the younger, newer couples coming into the street, as already stated above previously. Still, I bite my tongue most of the time… – Sometimes, I even get the impression that some of the males are just jealous.., jealous that I dared to live my own life, by my own rules, and I never played the whole corporate, status, marriage, mortgage, money, maternity/paternity game. I ain’t smart, but I ain’t no slave either. Most people wear their personas when interacting with each other, and there is nothing wrong with that, but when it comes to me, all but a few drop the act and treat me with the utmost disdain, they show me who they really are, I’m beneath them, not worthy of their time, effort or consideration, or, they sense I’m too different/too honest and that scares them, – so why bother pretending to be nice to me, why would they waste their precious energy pretending to be kind to me, – like they do when they’re sniffing each others assholes.., sorry.., performing for each other, – the answer..?, they just see no personal gain or value for themselves in me, – but I see value in everyone, especially the broken. The main reason I don’t bite back, is because it would upset my mother, and also bring me down to their level/lack of self awareness. Personally, I can’t be rude like that anyway, you know, in a subtle, indirect, bitter, condescending way, – if I really don’t like someone, they fucking know it, I will make it crystal clear, and I’ll tell them, there and then, exactly what it is that they’ve done that’s so bad, or what’s wrong with their personality. Still, I’m quite prepared to accept most, worts and all.., for now… – But yeah, I would say the majority of people I come into contact with appear to be contemptuous cunts, with regards to me anyway, – I mean in all honesty they’re probably like it with most people they come into contact with, but those people are probably also too wrapped up in themselves to notice any subtle expressions of negativity/animosity being aimed at them. Honestly.., half the time I feel they think I’m just too stupid to realise just how nasty they’re actually being to me. I mean, if I lived near someone with autism, who had odd behaviours, looked a little gormless, and cared for their slowly dying mother 24/7.., I’d treat them exactly the same as I do everyone else, – with respect, empathy, compassion and understanding, – and if they respond negatively to that, then I just ignore them, and shut that metaphorical door in their face.., for good.

– [NOT to blow my own trumpet.., but..] – I have personally mentored many people with Asperger’s Syndrome, over a 10 year period, on site, at a previous place of work, – [a site owned by the Plymouth Brethren] – to evaluate whether the placements could ultimately live and work on their own, in their own accommodation, – obviously with a warden present at the complex where they’d be housed. I also worked with genuine refugees throughout the 2000’s, mostly survivors of genocide, from all over Africa,.., like Malawi, Ghana, Rwanda, Zimbabwe, Kenya the Congo, etc.., different job, but it was me again, metaphorically holding their hands as they learnt to fit into the UK, learnt how things work, what’s expected of them within the confines of a hard days manual labouring, etc… Why me..? Well I’m certainly not going to suggest I was the best man for the job, but I assume I was chosen because of my easy-going, overly considerate, accommodating and hard-working nature, also the company I worked for at that time knew I had witnessed some horrors myself, – overdoses, deaths, stabbings, etc. – Some of the conversations got dark, very dark, especially one fellow from Zimbabwe, – what Mugabe’s men did to his sister.., unimaginable savagery.., and just to send a message to him, and his family, for standing up against Mugabe’s regime. Still, I feel I helped a few of them deal with what they’d been through, at least a little, just by being my usual, sensitively inquisitive, empathetic self and being genuinely interested in their replies and stories. – Oddly enough, after a couple of hours of getting to know me, people often relax emotionally and open up a little, sometimes a lot, depending on the personality type, – [and I’ve been told, multiple times, this is…] – because I’m always brutally honest about myself when I meet new people, I don’t hide anything, I don’t keep up any kind of pretence, and if I think something I’ve experienced or know is relevant, helpful, beneficial, – I’ll bring it up. I’m not embarrassed to talk about my own, anxieties, clinical depression, OCD, germophobia/Mysophobia, substance abuse/addiction issues, mild transvestitism [when much younger, and much more feminine looking.., but that’s now just a dormant kink, – besides, my libido has always been very, very low, and now, essentially non-existent] – my borderline suicidal experiences [during my mid-30s] – etc, etc.., I’ve been there, and some, so what, surviving all those experiences only made me a stronger, more understanding individual, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of, – as far as I’m concerned. Again, I don’t consider myself better than anyone else, just a bit more honest, – although, by noticing certain ‘others’ negative reactions to said honesty.., well that particular trait would appear to be an almost revolutionary act, when engaging with the.., ‘modern day herd’. Anyway, most of the African refugees I worked with appeared to be quite appreciative of my empathy, honesty, considerate nature and listening skills, I would even offer to drop them off at their accommodations on the way home after a hard days work. – I feel many see their inner sufferings and past negative experiences as weaknesses, and thereby never learn anything from said experiences.., but when one confronts those personal weaknesses wholeheartedly, and those darker emotions too, it can lead to some of the most powerful inner strengths, and personal realisations, one could ever wish for. But, many are just too involved in ‘the game’ to lower the mask, and thereby never let others know anything truly personal about themselves, but.., that said, it is also true that a little mystery can go a long way, – especially if one wants to play ‘the game’ and keep up that tedious, superficiality of the never ending performance, – so, many never drop their guard, not even for a single second.

– “The wound is the place where the light enters you.” – [Rumi] – and one can choose to share that gained inner light, that is if one can get over their own ego, – but many can’t, they’ve become too attached to their personas, in some cases even fused to their personas. But the persona is just a societal construct, a performance carefully crafted, over time, to hide the authentic, sovereign self beneath.., and it is just as fragile as the ego, especially when confronted by those who don’t feel the need to perform by wearing a mask/persona, – and when people fear being exposed, they become incredibly hostile in an attempt to keep the authentic types at arms length. Also, the persona types will talk negatively to others about those they feel threatened by, in an attempt to stop those close to them from ever hearing/learning/believing any dark truths about themselves they don’t want revealed. But that fear is completely irrational and unwarranted, as unlike them, – [unless it’s therapy] – authentic types don’t think the same way, nor talk about others behind their backs, – that sort of behaviour isn’t something the authentic type enjoys, or takes part in generally, as it’s just more ‘shadow projection’ coming from the unmindful ego’s fear of the persona becoming cracked, or, in some cases, ripped clean off for all to see what’s truly beneath, – it might be the way the unmindful ones think, but not the mindful, – as if necessary, the mindful/authentic will always confront, and meet the situation head on, – no fucking about or playing Machiavellian games of manipulation.

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[note: Wisdom doesn’t mean Knowledge nor Intelligence… ‘Wisdom’ can only be built from the inside of one’s own actual suffering, – [and doubt] – not around it, – it is not something that can be attained by external experiences/sources alone, those experiences need to affect one internally, and deeply so, for true wisdom to be conceived. – Regarding ‘kindness’, many just offer up a superficial brand of faux-kindness, as most are really just looking for personal gain, or validation, from their interactions with each other. – Wisdom, in my opinion, is always a work in progress, and genuine kindness is the most fertile soil in which it can grow. Although I must admit, as I’ve aged, I’ve come to realise that many are well beyond redemption, and way past saving.

– “Not everyone deserves the Sun.” – Nine Black Alps –

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– Being a hypersensitive individual means one gets wounded quite a lot, because hypersensitives, especially those who live with ‘hyper-vigilance/hyper-awareness’, notice the selfishness and covert maliciousness of others so much more than ‘regular/normal’ people do. It’s not that we take offence, we just take all the nastiness onboard and have to embrace, process, filter and then learn from such interactions. Still, ultimately it works out much better for the hypersensitive than it does the narcissistic, Machiavellian, sociopathic/psychopathic types, – because by their very nature, the ‘dark triad’ types usually lack the ability to genuinely evolve on an emotional level and learn from their own inner turmoils. Rarely, if ever, do the unmindful even attempt to do the work required to become whole.

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[] – [above: Zen proverb]

– In regards to the above paragraphs, I feel obliged to mention that I am very, very good at inadvertently rubbing the wrong people, the wrong way, thus exposing their true nature and personality type, especially if they don’t know me very well. But again, that’s not my fault at all, I am who I am, I am not doing anything other than being authentic, I really don’t know any other way.., and regarding those who appear to take offence at those more authentic than themselves.., well again, I guess that’s just what Jung would have referred to as ‘Shadow Projection’. – So.., I guess if I’m not being judged for my appearance, peculiar behaviours, or my linguistic ‘charm’.., I’m probably being judged negatively for being too authentic, and thereby ‘they’ know consciously, or sense subconsciously, that I risk exposing the obvious performances the masses maintain to remain socially acceptable within.., ‘the game’. But.., I must admit I do, very occasionally, play the part others have created for me in their heads, just for my own entertainment, as the reactions one gets from such behaviour can be most informative, and all without ever having to judge anyone myself.

– [It’s like that social experiment, where you’re with a person, maybe a new acquaintance, and you want to know what they’re really like.., so while in a social setting, say a restaurant, or hotel lobby, you go to the washroom, but on your way back you take your time, hold back, keep your distance, and just watch to see how said ‘new acquaintance’ treats those that many, – yes many, – would consider beneath them, like say the hotel porter, or the young person waiting the table, – that will tell you so much about someone’s personality, – and.., you’d be surprised just how often, when those acquaintances think you’re not looking, they’ll treat that person they consider lower than them on the food chain with the utmost disdain.] – So yeah, often when meeting someone for the first time, if my intuition smells a rat, I’ll dial up my faux foolishness, or stupidity modes, or just go all-in and full-on with my autistic, no-filter ‘conversational talents’, just to see how nasty and belittling they truly are, – I know, it’s a little dark, but it saves wasting time with the real losers of this world, you know, the ones that have an inferiority complex, – [nothing wrong with having an inferiority complex] – but are just too ashamed to address it, so they bury those feelings of being inferior, or that unresolved childhood trauma, by making themselves feel superior, at the expense of some hardworking, innocent employee.

– Still.., most of the time I’m just endlessly misunderstood by certain types because of my genuine autistic traits, the forwardness/honesty that comes with said traits, and my ‘witless’ appearance, – and I do mean endlessly. – [Although, I do understand that my personality type -INFJ – is very hard to read, and will almost certainly play a large part in many peoples misconceptions of my true character/personality.] – All the same.., hardly ever do I notice people considering the fact that, – “Oh, maybe this person is different? Maybe they have high-functioning autism? Maybe they’re a little awkward because they’re shy, or lacking in confidence…?” – Nope.., no consideration whatsoever, no empathy and definitely no understanding. Most people are more similar than they are dissimilar, and it would appear a large bulk of the population hate ‘different’, as it requires them to think differently, and that can upset their shallow, narrow-minded views, or.., cause them to look a little too deeply into themselves, revealing negative traits about their own personalities, negative traits they’d prefer were left buried and unaddressed. Those who lack self awareness invariably mistake my shyness for slyness, my quietness as arrogance, my communication skills are drastically different to others as already mentioned, I don’t wear a persona, and I know many can’t handle that kind of ‘in your face’ raw honesty, and so generally I avoid small talk with others, if I can, as I find it rather energy-draining, especially with people I don’t know very well, as I have to monitor and edit the truth that usually spills from my lips. – Very occasionally, I do get completely overwhelmed by other peoples persistent inconsideration, ignorance, arrogance, condescension, hypocrisy, etc, – resulting, over time, – [if pushed far enough] – in very loud, uncontrollable outbursts of verbal profanities, – [as explained already above, paragraph **17] – and that often gets misunderstood too, – though I rarely aim the profanities at a particular individual, as I do actually have a high level of tact, one needs tact when one wants to avoid confrontations and drama… But no one’s perfect, – [again, **17] – least of all me.

• And believe me.., they do.

– I used to quietly apologise and explain myself all the time, about everything, but with age, drugs, and becoming much more self aware, of my own self awareness iykwim, – [most probably won’t] – I just don’t give a fuck anymore, – [although I’m doing it right now, here, explaining that is, but purely for personal cathartic purposes]. – If I’m being honest, up until around 20 years ago, I used to feel really hurt if someone took a disliking to me, – I would feel as if it were a problem within me, that I lacked something, or I wasn’t good enough.., and I guess that’s partly because I’ve always lacked confidence, and also because I would often internalise all my thoughts and feelings, – that is if I wasn’t apologising for someone else’s misunderstanding of me – but I eventually realised, if someone has a problem with me, it is exactly that, their problem, not mine. What other people think of me is none of my business, in general, as long as I know I’ve done nothing wrong intentionally, they can go fuck themselves. People are mean, nasty, rude, condescending and belittling to me surprisingly often, just because of my appearance, or my awkward, introverted, autistic behaviours, or my no-filter, colourful language when I do engage, etc, – but I just choose not to be offended, or emotionally invested in such trivial matters anymore.., – while they clearly assume I don’t even notice their snide remarks, dirty looks, or the utter contempt in the tone of their voices, etc, simply because, they themselves aren’t at all self-aware of the fact that they are just projecting their own shadow, and thus exposing their own inner turmoils, or.., they are just genuinely nasty, insensitive, unmindful individuals. People are so good at unwittingly revealing their true nature, and yet they’re just so utterly oblivious to that fact.., something I’ve always found personally entertaining, – plus it gives me an edge over them, because I know they have no idea what I’m actually, and genuinely like, because they’ve already judged me, – and often unfairly because most are just too quick to judge others.., imho. – So, I usually just smile and nod in their direction, with my face slightly tilted down, so as not to look provocative, – occasionally I’ll call them out.., but mostly not, depends on what mode I’m in.., self-aware mode, or.., full-on autistic, matter of fact mode. Taking offence is a choice, not a right, nor a necessity. And, as I’ve discovered over the years, those who choose to be offended, play the victim, start the fight, etc, are best avoided, as they will come with much unnecessary drama and woe for all those around them.

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[] – [above quote] – Confucius

– Interesting side note, – People who swear often in their everyday interactions/communications, are likely to be much more honest and trustworthy than those who don’t, – it’s a verbal cue that they have no filter, that they’re quite comfortable being their true self in front of others, and that they are more authentic and much less likely to be deceptive. – [source, Columbia University]

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“The very powerful, and the very stupid, have one thing in common, instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views, – which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering.” – Dr Who [Tom Baker]

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the therapy cell ~ 2010 [pre MacBook]
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Revoltech EVA-01 v2.0
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