x[corrosiveabuser]

Meet my anxiety,.. it doesn’t have a gender, it doesn’t have a name or a monstrous face, and most importantly, it doesn’t represent anything negative.

This idea was suggested at a group therapy session while I was receiving support for substance abuse, – around the late 90’s – and I found it really useful, once I finally got around to using the technique [which is based around association] years later. It seemed a little silly at the time, “But not as silly as taking too many drugs” – was the reply I got from the counsellor, a good man named Bill, sadly I’ve forgotten his surname. – I have learnt to visualise my anxiety as it is shown above, essentially to replace the negative thoughts/feelings I would often experience when feeling anxious, – or depressed, – because I understand that not only was I born anxious, – almost certainly due, partly, to the fact that my mother had been prescribed large doses of Diazepam during the last six months of her pregnancy with me, – but also, that same anxiety will undoubtedly be accompanying me to my grave, in one form or another, as anxiety isn’t a condition that can ever truly be cured, for me anxiety feels more like one’s fight or flight mechanism being too overactive, – so it has to be embraced, sooner or later.

Accepting my anxiety was a breakthrough period for me, in fact I still remember the feeling of utter relief, and within just a month I had shed around 60% of the shit that comes with it, it was, as if it had finally come of age and no longer was it going to be a burden to me, no longer was I going to be spending every waking moment of my existence fighting it, – the time had finally come for me to.., just let go.

Of course, it’s there all the time, in the background, whistling away like white noise, but it no longer controls me, I control it, I’ve given it form, I’ve given it peace, I accept it, and in a strange way I cherish it for I wouldn’t be the same high empathy, overly considerate, compassionate and understanding individual I am today if I hadn’t suffered so much, and for so long. – Although I will admit, with age, and now fully understanding my heightened awareness of others subtle behaviours, I have probably become a little too cynical, and I definitely no longer have the good nature to suffer fools gladly.

I feel so dearly for anyone affected by the negative effects of anxiety, I really do, when I occasionally read of another blogger’s anguish and hellish experiences, all those emotions/feelings come flooding back, and I truly wish I could just cast a spell there and then and release that individual from the torment they feel within, but I can’t… no one can.

Only you can control yourself, and that means, diet, sleep, exercise, meditation, breathing exercises, medications where and when required, high-empathy company, and most of all, the will to sacrifice ALL of the vices you like and love, but know to be so utterly detrimental to your state of mind and well being. – Many substances and foods trigger anxiety, and eliminating ALL these is essential, there’s no meeting anxiety halfway, it’s ALL or nothing, and I assure you I speak from experience.

* I should also add that having a creative outlet is vital for those living with anxiety, as is complete honesty and the ability to talk openly, to anyone, about the issue, – if you can’t be honest and open, you’ll never learn to live with it happily. Anxiety, depression, panic attacks, etc, are not personal issues to be ashamed of, we live in a fake world, with many fake people, – don’t be one of them.

My life is so streamlined now, I doubt many people would even want to live the way I do, but I’m at peace with myself now [most of the time] and couldn’t be happier. Don’t get me wrong, I still get anxious, but I’m prepared, and I no longer give it enough fuel for it to ever become a major problem ever again.

I’m not here to make suggestions, I’m just telling you that it can, does, and will get better, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner the transformation will occur.

Stop tortouring yourselves by battling, fighting and beating your anxiety, – or depression for that matter, – and try tolerating it, or even loving it, just like you’d like it to love you, – because it is you, it’s a part of you.