Tag Archives: depression

resistance is futile – recycled

Posted on by Standard 7

x[corrosiveabuser]

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Another attack,
Flares into existence
Heart pounds in throat,
But this time no resistance
Confronting this fear,
The only course of action
We’re taking it down,
This rogue mental faction

Before panic sets in,
Reel all wayward thoughts back
Shut down emotions,
Before they’re all hacked
No room for faux tensions,
While absorbing stray doubts
Nothing survives,
From within,
… Now without…

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*Embracing negative feelings and emotions is often better than running away from them, or resisting them, but we must never fall into that trap of dwelling on them, that just becomes nothing more than a futile game of self-torture…
_______________________________________________________________________________
– Originally posted on 6th June 2015, but I’m reposting it as it shows the process of a technique I developed for dealing with my own panic attacks, obviously some rudimentary knowledge and practice of meditation is required but the order of the process exists within the verse. –

For almost a decade, panic attacks used to own me, my anxiety feared the notion of having an attack in public so much I was housebound for two whole years, but even then just something as simple as the phone ringing or a knock at the door could trigger an attack. Being so uptight all the time was so physically draining, just walking up a single flight of stairs could leave me feeling dizzy. I was suffering from amphetamine psychosis at the time, and although I’d had mild panic attacks for many years, the psychosis magnified the attacks to a point where I would feel as if I was on the edge of oblivion, and that any moment the floor or wall that was supporting me would just open up and crush me, horrendous times.

Still, I thought I’d recycle this one as anyone practicing meditation to control their panic attacks might find some aspects/order of the process useful.

– This will be my last post, as I’ve decided to finally throw all my energy into my sonic addiction. I have a large collection of analogue synthesizers, samplers, drum machines and general high-grade audio hardware that just doesn’t get the attention it deserves, and I’ve decided it’s time to learn how to play at least one instrument proficiently, either electric bass or keyboard.

I’m genuinely grateful to anyone and everyone, – meaning the few, – who have visited, liked, followed or commented on this blog, for I never thought for one second that my childish verse and personal reflections would ever even get a single like, let alone a few followers. – Thank you.

And remember,

– Light shines from many lamps. Allow any belief, spiritual or otherwise, to become a place of refuge or rest and it becomes an obstacle. All true teachings are meant as stepping stones, to learn from and then move on.

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my kingdom ~ the-therapy-cell – [2010 pre-MacBook] 

loving my anxiety

Posted on by Standard 8

x[corrosiveabuser]

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Meet my anxiety,.. it doesn’t have a gender, it doesn’t have a name or a monstrous face, and most importantly, it doesn’t represent anything negative.

This idea was suggested at a group therapy session while I was receiving support for substance abuse, – around the late 90’s – and I found it really useful, once I finally got around to using the technique [which is based around association] years later. It seemed a little silly at the time, “But not as silly as taking too many drugs” – was the reply I got from the counsellor, a good man named Bill, sadly I’ve forgotten his surname. – I have learnt to visualise my anxiety as it is shown above, essentially to replace the negative thoughts/feelings I would often experience when feeling anxious, – or depressed, – because I understand that not only was I born anxious, – almost certainly due, partly, to the fact that my mother had been prescribed large doses of Diazepam during the last six months of her pregnancy with me, – but also, that same anxiety will undoubtedly be accompanying me to my grave, in one form or another, as anxiety isn’t a condition that can ever truly be cured, for me anxiety feels more like one’s fight or flight mechanism being too overactive, – so it has to be embraced, sooner or later.

Accepting my anxiety was a breakthrough period for me, in fact I still remember the feeling of utter relief, and within just a month I had shed around 60% of the shit that comes with it, it was, as if it had finally come of age and no longer was it going to be a burden to me, no longer was I going to be spending every waking moment of my existence fighting it, – the time had finally come for me to.., just let go.

Of course, it’s there all the time, in the background, whistling away like white noise, but it no longer controls me, I control it, I’ve given it form, I’ve given it peace, I accept it, and in a strange way I cherish it for I wouldn’t be the same high empathy, overly considerate, compassionate and understanding individual I am today if I hadn’t suffered so much, and for so long. – Although I will admit, with age, and now fully understanding my heightened awareness of others subtle behaviours, I have probably become a little too cynical, and I definitely no longer have the good nature to suffer fools gladly.

I feel so dearly for anyone affected by the negative effects of anxiety, I really do, when I occasionally read of another blogger’s anguish and hellish experiences, all those emotions/feelings come flooding back, and I truly wish I could just cast a spell there and then and release that individual from the torment they feel within, but I can’t… no one can.

Only you can control yourself, and that means, diet, sleep, exercise, meditation, breathing exercises, medications where and when required, high-empathy company, and most of all, the will to sacrifice ALL of the vices you like and love, but know to be so utterly detrimental to your state of mind and well being. – Many substances and foods trigger anxiety, and eliminating ALL these is essential, there’s no meeting anxiety halfway, it’s ALL or nothing, and I assure you I speak from experience.

* I should also add that having a creative outlet is vital for those living with anxiety, as is complete honesty and the ability to talk openly, to anyone, about the issue, – if you can’t be honest and open, you’ll never learn to live with it happily. Anxiety, depression, panic attacks, etc, are not personal issues to be ashamed of, we live in a fake world, with many fake people, – don’t be one of them.

My life is so streamlined now, I doubt many people would even want to live the way I do, but I’m at peace with myself now [most of the time] and couldn’t be happier. Don’t get me wrong, I still get anxious, but I’m prepared, and I no longer give it enough fuel for it to ever become a major problem ever again.

I’m not here to make suggestions, I’m just telling you that it can, does, and will get better, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner the transformation will occur.

Stop tortouring yourselves by battling, fighting and beating your anxiety, – or depression for that matter, – and try tolerating it, or even loving it, just like you’d like it to love you, – because it is you, it’s a part of you.

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doomsday species

Posted on by Standard Reply

x[corrosiveabuser]
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Deluded by its gods, the doomsday species,
Its logical progression, just a leech with diseases
Spawning racist religions, political whores,
And radicalised bankers all worshipping wars

Planning its demise it sows its rotten seeds,
Of horrors yet to manifest from the fruits of its deeds
Spoiled, corrupted and tainted by wealth,
Arrogant, it sits atop the evolutionary shelf

Ruling its weak, the masses that kneel,
With prescribed medications to dampen what’s real
Through corporate slogans and sponsored agendas,
Via wi-fi, faith, and a media censored

Snared by technology, like drones to a hive
Caught up in hells even devils despise
With a fervour and lust for this digital age
Just slaves to devices they can’t disengage…

… So me, the pariah, set among this deception,
To analyse, report, record the infections,
Of a virus beyond any malware detection,
A corporate contamination of the human perception

[]

~ Any god/state/institution that demands your devotion/loyalty/admiration and promotes the fear and hate of others through the manipulation of words and behaviours, should be considered, at the very least, evil. ~

the freak

Posted on by Standard 2

x[corrosiveabuser]

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A chrysalis corrupted,
Mutated D.N.A.
Its stasis interrupted,
A freak or so they say
With skeletal deformities,
And a skull that’s seldom shown
Rags, hats, hoods, accessories,
Drape over fragile bones

[]

I’ve never lied, I don’t know how to, and I’ve never really understood the reasoning behind it, – [unless it’s a small white lie, to save someone embarrassment, or unnecessary worry] – but there is one thing that is just too hard to talk about easily, but perhaps today’s the day. The reason I may sound a little cryptic is that there is one thing in my life that causes people to judge me so unfairly, and harshly, that it chips a little bit of my soul away every time I see people staring at me in public, for either they assume I’m a junkie because of the darkened flesh below my eyes, – but that’s the fault of my medications, not the amphetamines, – or, if I go out without something covering my battle scarred skull, many people immediately assume,… well I don’t know what they’re thinking, I can just tell by their expressions it’s something I don’t really want to hear…

Still, having been a labourer all my working life, and ever since I lost my hair, – [late 20’s] – I was always very aware of what peoples first perception of me was, but after an hour or two of working with me I would invariably get the obligatory, “You ain’t as stupid as you look” – to which I would usually say something like, “Yeah, just don’t tell anyone else, or I’ll be given loads of responsibilities I don’t want, and for no extra money.” and then a silent understanding would be established. People who graft physically are exceedingly easy people to work with, that is, if you can pull your own weight. – I miss the blatant honesty of working on site, and the camaraderie, one can learn a lot from people who don’t have filters, iykwim, people who aren’t all trying to fuck each other over for promotions, etc, and pretending to be things they most certainly are not, – and all that other office/corporate mentality nonsense.

Believe me, just be grateful if you have a face and skull that doesn’t draw unwarranted attention, for it’s the most awful feeling in the world knowing people are judging you just because you look a little different…

People see you as easy prey, they immediately assume you’re inferior to them, beneath them, damaged goods, mentally deficient, someone to be ostracized from the pack, someone to be treated with the utmost contempt, etc, – and they will use your misfortune to draw the attention of others away from their own personal faults, and defects, – usually in a very condescending, belittling, spiteful manner, – it’s awful, truly awful, but I’ve lived with it ever since I became bald, – [thus exposing my malformed cranium] – and that was about 25 years ago. Still, it hurts when it happens, and even though I soon recover, I always feel it sets me back a little, I don’t dwell on it, I just have an exceptionally good memory of all my experiences, both positive and negative. I will add, even though I’ve had pretty much zero confidence all my life, I have learnt to be relatively fearless, and also how to keep my composure [most of the time] via just such negative encounters, plus other experiences too, – [always better to use negative situations as learning tools, rather than just unpleasant memories.] Nothing scares me anymore, not even death, – but I still occasionally manage to let people get under my skin, but never for very long, – as I know the dangers of dwelling on the negative all too well.

It’s not something that depresses me, but being a shy, hypersensitive introvert with zero confidence and, what is now essentially dormant-anxiety, – [all traits that no longer show strong visible signs btw, I think?] – it’s something that makes me very self conscious in the moment, because I know I’m not just getting paranoid when I think people are talking about me behind my back, because they are, I’m their target, somehow, I’m making them feel safer/better/higher in status, but that’s just the natural order of things I guess, the *beast inside, the animalistic pecking order of a savage society, and all that.

– [* According to a study, about 10 years ago iirc, it was discovered that around 80% to 85% of the world’s population judge people, almost entirely by their physical appearance, just like packs of animals do in nature.., – and in a completely unrelated paper I read on self awareness, – [by Harvard Business School] – only around 10% to 15% of the world’s population are genuinely self-aware, – which I found very telling.]

If however I do get caught in a futile game of self-torture, and my mind gets infected by the malicious, diseased mind of another, I will often use weed as a way to defrag and remove any viruses and malware from my own internal hard drive, – if you know what I mean?

I know I probably judge my physical appearance too harshly, but you might be surprised by just how many uncompassionate, unmindful assholes there are out there. There are good people also, I live an easy life, – retired early, – my mum’s an angel, who spent most of her working life looking after severely disabled children, I have three older brothers who sort me out with cars, laptops, etc, I’ve had many relationships, especially from my early teens to my late 30’s, and a close friend/associate who grows his own and he doesn’t charge me anything, I just help him harvest when I can. – Oh, did I mention, I also have osteoarthritis in my knees and suffered a serious spinal injury about 4 years ago, but the Tramadol eases that, it’s also a very good recreational substance, – if not abused.

Perhaps now, some of my previous posts might make more sense, I don’t now?

Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m very happy and content at this moment in time, that’s probably what’s giving me the strength to confront this subject in public, so to speak. And, I’m glad I’m me, congenital-malformations included, as due to the contempt I’ve received over the last couple of decades, due to my appearance, – [and occasionally my awkward behaviour] – the unmindful responses to my physical defects, etc, from others has helped shape my thinking and feelings in ways other people couldn’t possibly imagine, I have learnt more about myself, and how others minds work, in the last 15 years, than I ever knew before, and I draw much solace from that, and… and I would say all those experiences have made me a *better person, he says with a tear in his eye, but it’s true…

– [* They’ve made me a better person because I don’t have to judge people, – [not that I ever did] – as they judge themselves for me by the way they react to my appearance, – and my awkward behaviours, – some are very accepting, but many aren’t. – That’s why I often wear a hat or beanie, as most of the time I don’t want to deal with people showing me who they truly are 24/7, it gets quite energy draining, it would be energy draining for anyone, all the unmindful ones showing their true colours constantly, – and yes the unwarranted stares and whispers are sadly that frequent.]

I don’t want any comments or support, I’m fine, I’m just putting this out there to get it off my chest, my skinny, boney and ever-so slightly buckled chest, but that’s another story…

And obviously, so many people are far worse off than me, but I’m not them, I’m just me.

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alien androgyne

Posted on by Standard Reply

x[corrosiveabuser]
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– narcissism 101 ?

When younger, up to my mid 20’s I guess, [before I started losing my hair, and my lifestyle choices had yet to start catching up with me.., physically/facially] – I was actually considered a ‘pretty boy’, and I looked extremely feminine. People, girls in particular, would occasionally comment on my smooth, pale, rounded/roundish face, skinny frame, and big brown eyes, – I didn’t even start growing stubble, of any note, until my late 20’s. I went to an all boys school, but was the only one with long hair, like down to my trousers long, so I really stuck out. I got on with everyone at school, [except some of the teachers] – I was considered a bit of a druggie, – although I was only smoking hashish/solid at 14, – and I was also viewed as a wild card too, – as I had a problem with authority, but that probably had more to do with my autism than anything else.., although the kids at school didn’t know I had autism, they just thought I was ‘different’. I would just come and go as I liked, if I didn’t fancy a class, or a particular day, I’d just arrive late, sign the late book, walk back out of school, jump on a train to London, and spend the day walking around all the record shops located in Soho, Oxford street, etc, sometimes even jump on the Tube and travel over to Spin-Off Records over in Hammersmith. – I essentially left school at 14, and started working in the kitchen of an Indian friend’s father’s Indian restaurant, [thank you Mr Rahman, and Moshi]

– During my heavy clubbing days, random male individuals would sometimes approach me, and start trying to chat me up, – which, due to age and physical wear and tear, would be unimaginable theses days, – but it never bothered me, I was very aware I looked extremely androgynous/feminine, and also very young for my age, so after a while I came to expect the occasional misunderstanding, especially in the dark, sweatbox style clubs/venues we used to frequent.

I had girlfriends when younger, and never doubted my sexuality, but once I realised just how energy draining it was putting all that effort into longterm relationships, – relationships that I honestly never really saw any longterm future in, due to my radically different way of thinking about.., everything, – I kind of lost interest in the concept of being part of a pair, and plus I’ve always had a very, very low libido. I wasn’t ‘hooking up’ with girls the way all my ‘Alpha’ male type friends were, or for the same apparent reasons. Plus, I don’t do mood swings, drama, talking about people behind their backs, manipulation, etc, and I just found most relationships came with all that kind of baggage.

– The loss of hair, longterm physical effects of drugs, chain-smoking, etc, and the overall strain of living I endured for an extended period of time, really changed my appearance, – like a complete 180, iykwim. I’m sure no one could possibly mistake me for a girl these days.

Still, by using a few cheap hairpieces and some radical, heavy filtering, I’ve tried to recapture the looks of that youthful, androgynous weirdo, – in order to bolster the words, regarding some of my inner sensitivities and emotions expressed throughout this blog. – I know for a fact that, in public, most people these days just see me as an awkward, gormless, rough faced, mentally deficient, misanthropic, skinhead/druggie-type, and while that couldn’t be further from the truth.., mostly, – it has its advantages, especially for an introvert like me who loathes small talk, with overly judgemental types, or people I know I have absolutely nothing in common with, – as I feel like I’m not only wasting my time, but theirs too, and that just leaves me feeling even more awkward than I usually do.

.

anxiety

Posted on by Standard 5

x[corrosiveabuser]
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Anxiety isn’t something to be beaten or fought, it’s something we need to let go of, like a toy one outgrows during their childhood.

Positive thinking comes from using positive terms. Of course, it’s fine to use negative terms in art and culture to achieve a desired effect, but when we are thinking to ourselves, it is far better to think about letting go of something, rather than fighting or beating it…

I know anxiety is a bitch, I really do, but often we give it no other option but to fight, but I’m tired of fighting it, aren’t you? – perhaps it’s about time we started to take control of our own destinies again, perhaps we should reach out to anxiety and tell it, things are going to get better, things are going to be okay… Don’t panic, calm down, you are loved, lets talk about what’s really bothering you…

– See where I’m coming from?

Just some of the demons, and desires I’ve – “sacrificed” – to avoid antagonising my anxiety:

Amphetamines
Alcohol
Coffee/Tea
Nicotine
Meat/Poultry
Candy
Cake
Biscuits/Potato Chips                   

Responsibilities:
– High-maintenance relationships
– Work -(I now only work for what I need, and not what I want).

[]

And some current vices:

Sertraline
Diazepam
Tramadol hydrochloride
THC
Peppermint tea
Dark chocholate -(85% cocoa)
[]

Yeah my life’s pretty stripped back, but hey, it’s just so much easier to control, I couldn’t have it any other way, I’d just go insane.

People become so energy-draining after a few hours of work or banter, that a kind of toxicity builds up in my mind leaving me desperate for solitude, and all the time that quietness is stolen away from me, the more of it I need…