resistance is futile – recycled



Another attack,
Flares into existence
Heart pounds in throat,
But this time no resistance
Confronting this fear,
The only course of action
We’re taking it down,
This rogue mental faction

Before panic sets in,
Reel all wayward thoughts back
Shut down emotions,
Before they’re all hacked
No room for faux tensions,
While absorbing stray doubts
Nothing survives,
From within,
… Now without…


*Embracing negative feelings and emotions is often better than running away from them, or resisting them, but we must never fall into that trap of dwelling on them, that just becomes nothing more than a futile game of self-torture…
– Originally posted on 6th June 2015, but I’m reposting it as it shows the process of a technique I developed for dealing with my own panic attacks, obviously some rudimentary knowledge and practice of meditation is required but the order of the process exists within the verse. –

Panic attacks used to own me, my anxiety feared the notion of having an attack in public so much I was housebound for two whole years, but even then just something as simple as the phone ringing or a knock at the door could trigger an attack. Being so uptight all the time was so physically draining, just walking up a single flight of stairs could leave me dizzy. I was suffering from amphetamine psychosis at the time, and although I’d had mild panic attacks for many years, the psychosis magnified the attacks to a point where I would feel as if I was on the edge of oblivion, and that any moment the floor or wall that was supporting me would just open up and crush me, horrendous times.

Still, I thought I’d recycle this one as anyone practicing meditation to control their panic attacks might find some aspects of the process useful.

– This will be my last post, as I’ve decided to finally throw all my energy into my sonic addiction. I have a large collection of analogue synthesizers, samplers, drum machines and general high-grade audio hardware that just doesn’t get the attention it deserves, and I’ve decided it’s time to learn how to play at least one instrument proficiently, either electric bass or keyboard.

I’m genuinely grateful to anyone and everyone, – meaning the few, – who have visited, liked, followed or commented on this blog, for I never thought for one second that my childish verse and personal reflections would ever even get a like, let alone a few followers. – Thank you.

And remember,

– Light shines from many lamps. Allow any belief, spiritual or otherwise, to become a place of refuge or rest and it becomes an obstacle. All true teachings are meant as stepping stones, to learn from and then move on.


my kingdom ~ the-therapy-cell

disarming my anxiety



Meet my anxiety,.. it doesn’t have a gender, it doesn’t have a name or a monstrous face, and most importantly, it doesn’t represent anything negative. You see, I have learnt to visualize my anxiety as it is shown above, essentially to replace the negative images and memories I often experience when feeling anxious, – or depressed, – because I understand that not only was I born anxious, – due partly to the fact that my mother had been prescribed large doses of Diazepam during the last six months that she carried me inside her, – but also, that same anxiety will undoubtedly be accompanying me to my grave.

Accepting my anxiety was a breakthrough period for me, in fact I still remember the feeling of utter relief, and within a month I had shed around 60% of the shit that comes with it, it was, as if it had finally come of age and no longer was it going to be a burden to me, no longer was I going to be spending every waking moment of my existence fighting it, – the time had finally come for me to,.. just let go.

Of course, it’s there all the time, in the background, whistling away like white noise, but it no longer controls me, I control it, I’ve given it form, I’ve given it peace, I accept it, and in a strange way I cherish it for I wouldn’t be the same high empathy, overly considerate, uber understanding individual I am today if I hadn’t suffered so much, and for so long.

I feel so dearly for anyone affected by the negative effects of anxiety, I really do, whenever I read of a bloggers anguish and hellish experiences, all those emotions come flooding back, and I truly wish I could just cast a spell there and then and release that individual from the torment they feel within, but I can’t… no one can.

Only you can control yourself, and that means, diet, sleep, exercise, meditation, breathing exercises, medications where and when required, high-empathy company, and most of all, the will to sacrifice ALL of the vices you like and love, but know to be so utterly detrimental to your state of mind and well being. – Many substances and foods trigger anxiety, and eliminating ALL these is essential, there’s no meeting anxiety halfway, it’s ALL or nothing, and I assure you I speak from experience.

My life is so streamlined now I doubt many people would even want to live the way I do, but I’m at peace with myself now and couldn’t be happier. Don’t get me wrong, I still get anxious, but I’m prepared, and I no longer give it enough fuel for it to ever become a major problem ever again.

I’m not here to make suggestions, I’m just telling you that it can, does, and will get better, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner the transformation will occur.

Stop tortouring yourselves by battling, fighting and beating your anxiety, – or depression for that matter, – and try tolerating it, or even loving it, just like you’d like it to love you, – because it is you!




“Anxiety isn’t something to be beaten or fought, it’s something we need to let go of, like a toy one outgrows during their childhood.”

Positive thinking comes from using positive terms. Of course, it’s fine to use negative terms in art and culture to achieve a desired effect, but when we are thinking to ourselves, it is far better to think about letting go of something, rather than fighting or beating it…

I know anxiety is a bitch, I really do, but often we give it no other option but to fight, but I’m tired of fighting it, aren’t you? – perhaps it’s about time we started to take control of our own destinies again, perhaps we should reach out to anxiety and tell it, things are going to get better, things are going to be okay… Don’t panic, calm down, you are loved, lets talk about what’s really bothering you…

– See where I’m coming from?

Just some of the demons, and desires I’ve – “sacrificed” – to avoid antagonising my anxiety:

Potato Chips
Mobile phone – “Yes, I do not own or possess a mobile phone, and hopefully I never will!”
Tv News/Newspapers/Magazines

– High-maintenance relationships
– Work -(I now only work for what I need, and not what I want).


And some current vices:

Tramadol hydrochloride
Peppermint tea
Dark chocholate -(85% cocoa)

Yeah my life’s pretty stripped back, but hey, it’s just so much easier to control, I couldn’t have it any other way, I’d just go insane.

People become so energy-draining after a few hours of work or banter, that a kind of toxicity builds up in my mind leaving me desperate for solitude, and all the time that quietness is stolen away from me, the more of it I need…

resistance is futile


Another attack,
Flares into existence
Heart pounds in throat,
But this time no resistance
Confronting this fear,
The only course of action
We’re taking it down,
This rogue mental faction

Before panic sets in,
Reel all wayward thoughts back
Shut down emotions,
Before they’re all hacked
No room for faux tensions,
While absorbing stray doubts
Nothing survives,
From within,
… Now without…


* Embracing negative feelings and emotions is often better than running away from them, or resisting them, but we must never fall into that trap of dwelling on them, that just becomes nothing more than a futile game of self-torture…

by-product of society


Your glorious society,
It ain’t so fucking great
Awash with tainted minds,
Pushing war and hate
Taking what it wants to fuel its selfish self-promotion
With bloated shoppers clutching crap,
In a frenzy of devotion

Later, or sooner,
It will consume the consumer
A cancer of despair
… Your society’s just a tumour…


Ever wondered why life sometimes seems so difficult and depressing, leaving us feeling like we just don’t fit in with society?

– “Who’d wanna’ fit in!”

– “Keep your head down, and the door open.”


Those dreams and fears of tommorow


Guess what, I ain’t selling no book, and I ain’t no new-age bullshitter, in fact I couldn’t even read or write until I was 11 years old due to mild, but extremely debilitating autistic traits.

– Given high doses of Amitriptyline from the age of 5 probably didn’t help my early learning experiences either.

– I still don’t read many books, and often find it hard to pull the correct words from the ether, but I’ll try for what it’s worth.

What follows comes exclusively from my own completely uneducated personal experiences.

– One or two ideas might have been realised by listening to others, or information absorbed from distant memories of therapy sessions, but thanks to two of my “not so toxic” friends, Sertraline and Diazepam, my memory ain’t quite as sharp as it used to be, so thanks to anybody from that distant past for the advice.


I don’t claim to understand the purpose of the ego, I just know how often it gets in the way of me enjoying myself, by imposing its notions of doubt and failure upon my already battered psyche.

The ego likes only to exist in the glories/nightmares of yesterday, and the fears/dreams of tommorow, it will do anything to avoid being in the now.

The ego can’t handle the now because it clashes with the real, sovereign being within us all.

– I’m not talking about the Id, or whatever the educated mind might call it, but that magnanimous essence that resides within us all, that force that sparks those feelings of empathy and compassion.


I feel the ego plays a large roll in ones anxiety, and therefore must be confronted head-on.

An over-active ego prevents one from being in the present to such a degree that it becomes almost impossible to become bored, and becoming bored is essential to becoming spontaneous, and I feel regaining ones spontaneity is the first big step in, not beating anxiety, but accepting it as a friend and not the enemy.

– “Boredom is just the uneasy time before our subconscious yearnings and desires return to our concious state of mind.”

– Below are some very simple, – but not necessarily easy, – steps that might help others regain some control over this time wasting, energy draining leech that is all too present in the anxious mind.

– Life is simple, don’t over think it…
… Or as the car sticker down the road says, “One life, live it!”

1). Breath. – Long, slow, deep breaths, in through the nose, out through the mouth.

2). Be present, as much as possible. – Live in the now.

– Leave no mental markers in time, past or future.

3). Be yourself. – Pretending to be someone you’re not is going to be a life of Hell.

4). Meet every situation head-on. – Be spontaneous!

– Don’t do anything you don’t want to do.

5). STOP taking things so seriously. – Don’t give too much value to others opinions.

– There is nothing wrong with feeling down, just don’t let other, unmindful people pull you down.

6). No one is ever truly alone, for we are all connected by compassion and understanding.

– Even those who are aggressive and confrontational, are really just scared of becoming societys next victim, show them enough compassion and they WILL buckle, eventually.

7). All thoughts are violations. – courtesy – “The orichalic phase/The oscillation.”

8). Knowledge talks lowly, Ignorance talks loud. – Be grateful you’re not a loud pretentious idiot.

9). Avoid people as soon as you feel them pulling you down to their level. – That includes me!

10). “There is nothing wrong in having a low opinion of ones self, so long as ones opinions of others is no higher.”

– Just being tough enough to admit you’re a pussy to others will usually get their respect, and quite often their confidence, for truth be told this is a planet full of pussies, just some can hide this fact better than others.

– “But hey, what do I know? – I’m not even of this planet! – Or perhaps I just wish I wasn’t?”


* “Personally I enjoy being the introvert, it means that I don’t have to jump around in that cesspool that is society, unless I want to.”



Never one concerned,
‘Bout the superficial clique
Too quiet ‘n reserved,
To deal with all that fucked up shit
The pointless pecking-order of social competition
And condescending attitudes,
The ones that never listen


“O’ to be one of those self-obsessed, narcissistic, superficial a$$holes.
– Yeah, right……
– Once again I just keep my little mouth shut and stoically walk away, hoping I don’t exist.”

“There are only two types of people, those who want an easy day, and those who want an easy day at the expense of others.”




Heading for the depths,
That vortex of despair

Soon to touch the clarity of those familiar feelings there

A toxic world so fragile,
Yet so comforting to grace

…So why struggle to evade,
The pull of such a safe dark place…