resistance is futile – recycled



Another attack,
Flares into existence
Heart pounds in throat,
But this time no resistance
Confronting this fear,
The only course of action
We’re taking it down,
This rogue mental faction

Before panic sets in,
Reel all wayward thoughts back
Shut down emotions,
Before they’re all hacked
No room for faux tensions,
While absorbing stray doubts
Nothing survives,
From within,
… Now without…


*Embracing negative feelings and emotions is often better than running away from them, or resisting them, but we must never fall into that trap of dwelling on them, that just becomes nothing more than a futile game of self-torture…
– Originally posted on 6th June 2015, but I’m reposting it as it shows the process of a technique I developed for dealing with my own panic attacks, obviously some rudimentary knowledge and practice of meditation is required but the order of the process exists within the verse. –

Panic attacks used to own me, my anxiety feared the notion of having an attack in public so much I was housebound for two whole years, but even then just something as simple as the phone ringing or a knock at the door could trigger an attack. Being so uptight all the time was so physically draining, just walking up a single flight of stairs could leave me dizzy. I was suffering from amphetamine psychosis at the time, and although I’d had mild panic attacks for many years, the psychosis magnified the attacks to a point where I would feel as if I was on the edge of oblivion, and that any moment the floor or wall that was supporting me would just open up and crush me, horrendous times.

Still, I thought I’d recycle this one as anyone practicing meditation to control their panic attacks might find some aspects of the process useful.

– This will be my last post, as I’ve decided to finally throw all my energy into my sonic addiction. I have a large collection of analogue synthesizers, samplers, drum machines and general high-grade audio hardware that just doesn’t get the attention it deserves, and I’ve decided it’s time to learn how to play at least one instrument proficiently, either electric bass or keyboard.

I’m genuinely grateful to anyone and everyone, – meaning the few, – who has visited, liked, followed or commented on this blog, for I never thought for one second that my childish verse and personal reflections would ever even get a like, let alone a few followers. – Thank you.

And remember,

– Light shines from many lamps. Allow any belief, spiritual or otherwise, to become a place of refuge or rest and it becomes an obstacle. All true teachings are meant as stepping stones, to learn from and then move on.


my kingdom ~ Sonic-Corrosion-Cell

disarming my anxiety



Meet my anxiety,.. it doesn’t have a gender, it doesn’t have a name or a face, but most importantly, it doesn’t represent anything negative. You see, I have learnt to visualise my anxiety as it is shown above, essentially to replace the negative images and memories I often experience when feeling anxious, – or depressed, – because I understand that not only was I born anxious, – due partly to the fact that my mother had been prescribed large doses of Diazepam during the last six months that she carried me inside her, – but also, that same anxiety will undoubtably be accompanying me to my grave.

Accepting my anxiety was a breakthrough period for me, in fact I still remember the feeling of utter relief, and within a month I had shed around 60% of the shit that comes with it, it was, as if it had finally come of age and no longer was it going to be a burden to me, no longer was I going to be spending every waking moment of my existence fighting it, – the time had finally come for me to,.. just let go.

Of course, it’s there all the time, in the background, whistling away like white noise, but it no longer controls me, I control it, I’ve given it form, I’ve given it peace, I accept it, and in a strange way I cherish it for I wouldn’t be the same high empathy, overly considerate, uber understanding individual I am today if I hadn’t suffered so much, and for so long.

I feel so dearly for anyone affected by the negative effects of anxiety, I really do, whenever I read of a bloggers anguish and hellish experiences, all those emotions come flooding back, and I truly wish I could just cast a spell there and then and release that individual from the torment they feel within, but I can’t… no one can.

Only you can control yourself, and that means, diet, sleep, exercise, meditation, breathing exercises, medications where and when required, high-empathy company, and most of all, the will to sacrifice ALL of the vices you like and love, but know to be so utterly detrimental to your state of mind and wellbeing. – Many substances and foods trigger anxiety, and eliminating ALL these is essential, there’s no meeting anxiety halfway, it’s ALL or nothing, and I assure you I speak from experience.

My life is so streamlined now I doubt many people would even want to live the way I do, but I’m at peace with myself now and couldn’t be happier. Don’t get me wrong, I still get anxious, but I’m prepared, and I no longer give it enough fuel for it to ever become a major problem ever again.

I’m not here to make suggestions, I’m just telling you that it can, does, and will get better, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner the transformation will occur.

Stop tortouring yourselves by battling, fighting and beating your anxiety, – or depression for that matter, – and try tolerating it, or even loving it, just like you’d like it to love you, – because it is you!


extraction request


[send message]

Thought I’d made connections,
But these humans come and go
Am I just so very different,
… Guess they didn’t wanna know

Request mission be aborted,
Project EMPATHY dissolved
Require immediate extraction,
Fear my emotions too involved…