disarming my anxiety

x[corrosiveabuser]

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Meet my anxiety,.. it doesn’t have a gender, it doesn’t have a name, but most importantly, it doesn’t represent anything negative. You see, I have learnt to visualise my anxiety as it is shown above, because I understand that not only was I born anxious, due partly to the fact that my mother had been prescribed large doses of Diazepam during the last six months that she carried me inside her, but also, that same anxiety will undoubtably be accompanying me to my grave.

Accepting my anxiety was a breakthrough period for me, in fact I still remember the feeling of utter relief, and within a month I had shed around 60% of the shit that comes with it, it was, as if it had finally come of age and no longer was it going to be a burden to me, no longer was I going to be spending every waking moment of my existence fighting it, – the time had finally come for me to,.. just let go.

Of course, it’s there all the time, in the background, whistling away like white noise, but it no longer controls me, I control it, I’ve given it form, I’ve given it peace, I accept it, and in a strange way I cherish it for I wouldn’t be the same high empathy, overly considerate, uber understanding individual I am today if I hadn’t suffered so much, and for so long.

I feel so dearly for anyone affected by the negative effects of anxiety, I really do, whenever I read of a bloggers anguish and hellish experiences, all those emotions come flooding back, and I truly wish I could just cast a spell there and then and release that individual from the torment they feel within, but I can’t… no one can.

Only you can control yourself, and that means, diet, sleep, exercise, meditation, breathing exercises, medications where and when required, high-empathy company, and most of all, the will to sacrifice ALL of the vices you like and love, but know to be so utterly detrimental to your state of mind and wellbeing. – Many substances and foods trigger anxiety, and eliminating ALL these is essential, there’s no meeting anxiety halfway, it’s ALL or nothing, and I assure you I speak from experience.

My life is so streamlined now I doubt many people would even want to live the way I do, but I’m at peace with myself now and couldn’t be happier. Don’t get me wrong, I still get anxious, but I’m prepared, and I no longer give it enough fuel for it to ever become a major problem ever again.

I’m not here to make suggestions, I’m just telling you that it can, does, and will get better, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner the transformation will occur.

Stop tortouring yourselves by battling, fighting and beating your anxiety and try tolerating it, or even loving it, just like you’d like it to love you, – because it is you!

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anxiety

x[corrosiveabuser]
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“Anxiety isn’t something to be beaten or fought, it’s something we need to let go of, like a toy one outgrows during their childhood.”

Positive thinking comes from using positive terms. Of course, it’s fine to use negative terms in art and culture to achieve a desired effect, but when we are thinking to ourselves, it is far better to think about letting go of something, rather than fighting or beating it…

I know anxiety is a bitch, I really do, but often we give it no other option but to fight, but I’m tired of fighting it, aren’t you? – perhaps it’s about time we started to take control of our own destinies again, perhaps we should reach out to anxiety and tell it, things are going to get better, things are going to be okay… Don’t panic, calm down, you are loved, lets talk about what’s really bothering you…

– See where I’m coming from?

Just some of the demons, and desires I’ve – “sacrificed” – to avoid antagonising my anxiety:

Amphetamines
Alcohol
Coffee/Tea
Nicotine
Meat
Candy
Cake
Biscuits
Potato Chips
Mobile phone – “Yes, I do not own or possess a mobile phone, and hopefully I never will!”
Tv News/Newspapers/Magazines

Responsibilities:
– High-maintenance relationships
– Work -(I now only work for what I need, and not what I want).

[]

And some current vices:

Sertraline
Diazepam
Tramadol hydrochloride
THC
Peppermint tea
Dark chocholate -(85% cocoa)
[]

Yeah my life’s pretty stripped back, but hey, it’s just so much easier to control, I couldn’t have it any other way, I’d just go insane.

People become so energy-draining after a few hours of work or banter, that a kind of toxicity builds up in my mind leaving me desperate for solitude, and all the time that quietness is stolen away from me, the more of it I need…

resistance is futile

x[corrosiveabuser]
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Another attack,
Flares into existence
Heart pounds in throat,
But this time no resistance
Confronting this fear,
The only course of action
We’re taking it down,
This rogue mental faction

Before panic sets in,
Reel all wayward thoughts back
Shut down emotions,
Before they’re all hacked
No room for faux tensions,
While absorbing stray doubts
Nothing survives,
From within,
… Now without…

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* Embracing negative feelings and emotions is often better than running away from them, or resisting them, but we must never fall into that trap of dwelling on them, that just becomes nothing more than a futile game of self-torture…