Tag Archives: social anxiety

resistance is futile – recycled

Posted on by Standard 7

x[corrosiveabuser]

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Another attack,
Flares into existence
Heart pounds in throat,
But this time no resistance
Confronting this fear,
The only course of action
We’re taking it down,
This rogue mental faction

Before panic sets in,
Reel all wayward thoughts back
Shut down emotions,
Before they’re all hacked
No room for faux tensions,
While absorbing stray doubts
Nothing survives,
From within,
… Now without…

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*Embracing negative feelings and emotions is often better than running away from them, or resisting them, but we must never fall into that trap of dwelling on them, that just becomes nothing more than a futile game of self-torture…
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– Originally posted on 6th June 2015, but I’m reposting it as it shows the process of a technique I developed for dealing with my own panic attacks, obviously some rudimentary knowledge and practice of meditation is required but the order of the process exists within the verse. –

For almost a decade, panic attacks used to own me, my anxiety feared the notion of having an attack in public so much I was housebound for two whole years, but even then just something as simple as the phone ringing or a knock at the door could trigger an attack. Being so uptight all the time was so physically draining, just walking up a single flight of stairs could leave me feeling dizzy. I was suffering from amphetamine psychosis at the time, and although I’d had mild panic attacks for many years, the psychosis magnified the attacks to a point where I would feel as if I was on the edge of oblivion, and that any moment the floor or wall that was supporting me would just open up and crush me, horrendous times.

Still, I thought I’d recycle this one as anyone practicing meditation to control their panic attacks might find some aspects/order of the process useful.

– This will be my last post, as I’ve decided to finally throw all my energy into my sonic addiction. I have a large collection of analogue synthesizers, samplers, drum machines and general high-grade audio hardware that just doesn’t get the attention it deserves, and I’ve decided it’s time to learn how to play at least one instrument proficiently, either electric bass or keyboard.

I’m genuinely grateful to anyone and everyone, – meaning the few, – who have visited, liked, followed or commented on this blog, for I never thought for one second that my childish verse and personal reflections would ever even get a single like, let alone a few followers. – Thank you.

And remember,

– Light shines from many lamps. Allow any belief, spiritual or otherwise, to become a place of refuge or rest and it becomes an obstacle. All true teachings are meant as stepping stones, to learn from and then move on.

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my kingdom ~ the-therapy-cell – [2010 pre-MacBook] 

loving my anxiety

Posted on by Standard 8

x[corrosiveabuser]

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Meet my anxiety,.. it doesn’t have a gender, it doesn’t have a name or a monstrous face, and most importantly, it doesn’t represent anything negative.

This idea was suggested at a group therapy session while I was receiving support for substance abuse, – around the late 90’s – and I found it really useful, once I finally got around to using the technique [which is based around association] years later. It seemed a little silly at the time, “But not as silly as taking too many drugs” – was the reply I got from the counsellor, a good man named Bill, sadly I’ve forgotten his surname. – I have learnt to visualise my anxiety as it is shown above, essentially to replace the negative thoughts/feelings I would often experience when feeling anxious, – or depressed, – because I understand that not only was I born anxious, – almost certainly due, partly, to the fact that my mother had been prescribed large doses of Diazepam during the last six months of her pregnancy with me, – but also, that same anxiety will undoubtedly be accompanying me to my grave, in one form or another, as anxiety isn’t a condition that can ever truly be cured, for me anxiety feels more like one’s fight or flight mechanism being too overactive, – so it has to be embraced, sooner or later.

Accepting my anxiety was a breakthrough period for me, in fact I still remember the feeling of utter relief, and within just a month I had shed around 60% of the shit that comes with it, it was, as if it had finally come of age and no longer was it going to be a burden to me, no longer was I going to be spending every waking moment of my existence fighting it, – the time had finally come for me to.., just let go.

Of course, it’s there all the time, in the background, whistling away like white noise, but it no longer controls me, I control it, I’ve given it form, I’ve given it peace, I accept it, and in a strange way I cherish it for I wouldn’t be the same high empathy, overly considerate, compassionate and understanding individual I am today if I hadn’t suffered so much, and for so long. – Although I will admit, with age, and now fully understanding my heightened awareness of others subtle behaviours, I have probably become a little too cynical, and I definitely no longer have the good nature to suffer fools gladly.

I feel so dearly for anyone affected by the negative effects of anxiety, I really do, when I occasionally read of another blogger’s anguish and hellish experiences, all those emotions/feelings come flooding back, and I truly wish I could just cast a spell there and then and release that individual from the torment they feel within, but I can’t… no one can.

Only you can control yourself, and that means, diet, sleep, exercise, meditation, breathing exercises, medications where and when required, high-empathy company, and most of all, the will to sacrifice ALL of the vices you like and love, but know to be so utterly detrimental to your state of mind and well being. – Many substances and foods trigger anxiety, and eliminating ALL these is essential, there’s no meeting anxiety halfway, it’s ALL or nothing, and I assure you I speak from experience.

* I should also add that having a creative outlet is vital for those living with anxiety, as is complete honesty and the ability to talk openly, to anyone, about the issue, – if you can’t be honest and open, you’ll never learn to live with it happily. Anxiety, depression, panic attacks, etc, are not personal issues to be ashamed of, we live in a fake world, with many fake people, – don’t be one of them.

My life is so streamlined now, I doubt many people would even want to live the way I do, but I’m at peace with myself now [most of the time] and couldn’t be happier. Don’t get me wrong, I still get anxious, but I’m prepared, and I no longer give it enough fuel for it to ever become a major problem ever again.

I’m not here to make suggestions, I’m just telling you that it can, does, and will get better, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner the transformation will occur.

Stop tortouring yourselves by battling, fighting and beating your anxiety, – or depression for that matter, – and try tolerating it, or even loving it, just like you’d like it to love you, – because it is you, it’s a part of you.

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alien androgyne

Posted on by Standard Reply

x[corrosiveabuser]
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– narcissism 101 ?

When younger, up to my mid 20’s I guess, [before I started losing my hair, and my lifestyle choices had yet to start catching up with me.., physically/facially] – I was actually considered a ‘pretty boy’, and I looked extremely feminine. People, girls in particular, would occasionally comment on my smooth, pale, rounded/roundish face, skinny frame, and big brown eyes, – I didn’t even start growing stubble, of any note, until my late 20’s. I went to an all boys school, but was the only one with long hair, like down to my trousers long, so I really stuck out. I got on with everyone at school, [except some of the teachers] – I was considered a bit of a druggie, – although I was only smoking hashish/solid at 14, – and I was also viewed as a wild card too, – as I had a problem with authority, but that probably had more to do with my autism than anything else.., although the kids at school didn’t know I had autism, they just thought I was ‘different’. I would just come and go as I liked, if I didn’t fancy a class, or a particular day, I’d just arrive late, sign the late book, walk back out of school, jump on a train to London, and spend the day walking around all the record shops located in Soho, Oxford street, etc, sometimes even jump on the Tube and travel over to Spin-Off Records over in Hammersmith. – I essentially left school at 14, and started working in the kitchen of an Indian friend’s father’s Indian restaurant, [thank you Mr Rahman, and Moshi]

– During my heavy clubbing days, random male individuals would sometimes approach me, and start trying to chat me up, – which, due to age and physical wear and tear, would be unimaginable theses days, – but it never bothered me, I was very aware I looked extremely androgynous/feminine, and also very young for my age, so after a while I came to expect the occasional misunderstanding, especially in the dark, sweatbox style clubs/venues we used to frequent.

I had girlfriends when younger, and never doubted my sexuality, but once I realised just how energy draining it was putting all that effort into longterm relationships, – relationships that I honestly never really saw any longterm future in, due to my radically different way of thinking about.., everything, – I kind of lost interest in the concept of being part of a pair, and plus I’ve always had a very, very low libido. I wasn’t ‘hooking up’ with girls the way all my ‘Alpha’ male type friends were, or for the same apparent reasons. Plus, I don’t do mood swings, drama, talking about people behind their backs, manipulation, etc, and I just found most relationships came with all that kind of baggage.

– The loss of hair, longterm physical effects of drugs, chain-smoking, etc, and the overall strain of living I endured for an extended period of time, really changed my appearance, – like a complete 180, iykwim. I’m sure no one could possibly mistake me for a girl these days.

Still, by using a few cheap hairpieces and some radical, heavy filtering, I’ve tried to recapture the looks of that youthful, androgynous weirdo, – in order to bolster the words, regarding some of my inner sensitivities and emotions expressed throughout this blog. – I know for a fact that, in public, most people these days just see me as an awkward, gormless, rough faced, mentally deficient, misanthropic, skinhead/druggie-type, and while that couldn’t be further from the truth.., mostly, – it has its advantages, especially for an introvert like me who loathes small talk, with overly judgemental types, or people I know I have absolutely nothing in common with, – as I feel like I’m not only wasting my time, but theirs too, and that just leaves me feeling even more awkward than I usually do.

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anxiety

Posted on by Standard 5

x[corrosiveabuser]
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Anxiety isn’t something to be beaten or fought, it’s something we need to let go of, like a toy one outgrows during their childhood.

Positive thinking comes from using positive terms. Of course, it’s fine to use negative terms in art and culture to achieve a desired effect, but when we are thinking to ourselves, it is far better to think about letting go of something, rather than fighting or beating it…

I know anxiety is a bitch, I really do, but often we give it no other option but to fight, but I’m tired of fighting it, aren’t you? – perhaps it’s about time we started to take control of our own destinies again, perhaps we should reach out to anxiety and tell it, things are going to get better, things are going to be okay… Don’t panic, calm down, you are loved, lets talk about what’s really bothering you…

– See where I’m coming from?

Just some of the demons, and desires I’ve – “sacrificed” – to avoid antagonising my anxiety:

Amphetamines
Alcohol
Coffee/Tea
Nicotine
Meat/Poultry
Candy
Cake
Biscuits/Potato Chips                   

Responsibilities:
– High-maintenance relationships
– Work -(I now only work for what I need, and not what I want).

[]

And some current vices:

Sertraline
Diazepam
Tramadol hydrochloride
THC
Peppermint tea
Dark chocholate -(85% cocoa)
[]

Yeah my life’s pretty stripped back, but hey, it’s just so much easier to control, I couldn’t have it any other way, I’d just go insane.

People become so energy-draining after a few hours of work or banter, that a kind of toxicity builds up in my mind leaving me desperate for solitude, and all the time that quietness is stolen away from me, the more of it I need…

resistance is futile

Posted on by Standard 2

x[corrosiveabuser]
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Another attack,
Flares into existence
Heart pounds in throat,
But this time no resistance
Confronting this fear,
The only course of action
We’re taking it down,
This rogue mental faction

Before panic sets in,
Reel all wayward thoughts back
Shut down emotions,
Before they’re all hacked
No room for faux tensions,
While absorbing stray doubts
Nothing survives,
From within,
… Now without…

20150605-202552.jpg

* Embracing negative feelings and emotions is often better than running away from them, or resisting them, but we must never fall into that trap of dwelling on them, that just becomes nothing more than a futile game of self-torture…

by-product of society

Posted on by Standard 2

x[corrosiveabuser]
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Your glorious society,
It ain’t so fucking great
Awash with tainted minds,
Pushing war and hate
Taking what it wants to fuel its selfish self-promotion
With bloated shoppers clutching crap,
In a frenzy of devotion

Later, or sooner,
It will consume the consumer
A cancer of despair
… Your society’s just a tumour…

[]

Ever wondered why navigating society sometimes seems so difficult and depressing, leaving us feeling like we just don’t fit in with it?

– Who’d want to fit in, seriously, it is not natural, society is a trap, just as the economy is that creates it,  – just keep your head down and the door open.

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Those dreams and fears of tommorow

Posted on by Standard 1

x[corrosiveabuser]
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– Being given high doses of Amitriptyline from the age of 5, – for my, – [at the time] – debilitating autism, which manifested as severe social anxiety and OCD, – certainly didn’t help my early learning experiences.

I couldn’t read or write properly until the age of 11, but taking the medication meant I could attend normal schooling lessons, – I was almost statemented, here in the UK that meant being sent to a special learning school. So, I know what I know, – lived experiences, – but I’m definitely not the sharpest tool in the kit.

Now I don’t claim to understand the real purpose of the ego, I just know how often it used to get in the way of me enjoying myself, by imposing its notions of doubt and failure upon my already battered psyche.

The ego likes only to exist in the glories/nightmares of yesterday, and the fears/dreams of tommorow, it will do anything to avoid being in the now, as it cannot exist in the now.

The ego can’t handle the now because it clashes with the real, sovereign being within us all.

– As in sovereign, I’m not talking about the Id, or whatever the educated mind might call it, but that magnanimous essence that resides within us all, that force that sparks those feelings of empathy, compassion and understanding.
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I feel the ego plays a large roll in ones anxiety, and therefore must be confronted head-on.

An over-active ego prevents one from being in the present to such a degree that it becomes almost impossible to become bored, and becoming bored is essential to becoming spontaneous, and I feel regaining ones spontaneity is the first big step in, not beating anxiety, but accepting it as a friend and not the enemy.

– Boredom is just the uneasy time before our subconscious yearnings and desires return to our concious state of mind.

– Below are some very simple, – but not necessarily easy, – steps/thoughts that might help others regain some control over this time wasting, energy draining leech that is all too present in the anxious mind.

– Life is simple, don’t over think it…
… Or as the car sticker down the road says, “One life, live it!”
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1). Breath. – Long, slow, deep breaths, in through the nose, out through the mouth.

2). Be present, as much as possible. – Live in the now.

IMPORTANT
– Leave no mental markers in time, – past, present or future.

3). Be yourself. – Pretending to be someone you’re not is going to be a life of Hell.

4). Meet every situation head-on. – Be spontaneous!

IMPORTANT
– Don’t do anything you don’t want to do.

5). STOP taking things so seriously. – Don’t give too much value to others opinions.

IMPORTANT
– There is nothing wrong with feeling down, just don’t let other, unmindful people pull you down.

6). No one is ever truly alone, for we are all connected by compassion, empathy and understanding.

– Even those who are aggressive and confrontational, are really just scared of becoming society’s next victim, show them enough compassion and they WILL buckle, eventually, – unless they’re a narcissist or psychopath. Obviously one will have to understand the art of polishing someone’s ego, – but that should come quite naturally to those of an anxious disposition, as most anxious people like to avoid drama and confrontation, so usually this skill develops naturally in an anxious mind, over time, – but not always.

7). All thoughts are violations. – courtesy – “The orichalic phase/The oscillation.”

8). Knowledge talks lowly, Ignorance talks loud. – Be grateful you’re not a loud pretentious idiot.

9). Avoid people as soon as you feel them pulling you down to their level. – That includes me!

10). There is nothing wrong in having a low opinion of one’s self, so long as one’s opinions of others is no higher.

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* Personally, I enjoy being the awkward introvert, it means that I don’t have to jump around in that cesspool that is society, unless I want/have to.