x[corrosiveabuser]

A chrysalis corrupted,
Mutated D.N.A.
Its stasis interrupted,
A freak or so they say
With skeletal deformities,
And a skull that’s seldom shown
Rags, hats, hoods, accessories,
Drape over fragile bones

[]

I’ve never lied, I don’t know how to, and I’ve never really understood the reasoning behind it, – [unless it’s a small white lie, to save someone embarrassment, or unnecessary worry] – but there is one thing that is just too hard to talk about easily, but perhaps today’s the day. The reason I may sound a little cryptic is that there is one thing in my life that causes people to judge me so unfairly, and harshly, that it chips a little bit of my soul away every time I see people staring at me in public, for either they assume I’m a junkie because of the darkened flesh below my eyes, – but that’s the fault of my medications, not the amphetamines, – or, if I go out without something covering my battle scarred skull, many people immediately assume,… well I don’t know what they’re thinking, I can just tell by their expressions it’s something I don’t really want to hear…

Still, having been a labourer all my working life, and ever since I lost my hair, – [late 20’s] – I was always very aware of what peoples first perception of me was, but after an hour or two of working with me I would invariably get the obligatory, “You ain’t as stupid as you look” – to which I would usually say something like, “Yeah, just don’t tell anyone else, or I’ll be given loads of responsibilities I don’t want, and for no extra money.” and then a silent understanding would be established. People who graft physically are exceedingly easy people to work with, that is, if you can pull your own weight. – I miss the blatant honesty of working on site, and the camaraderie, one can learn a lot from people who don’t have filters, iykwim, people who aren’t all trying to fuck each other over for promotions, etc, and pretending to be things they most certainly are not, – and all that other office/corporate mentality nonsense.

Believe me, just be grateful if you have a face and skull that doesn’t draw unwarranted attention, for it’s the most awful feeling in the world knowing people are judging you just because you look a little different…

People see you as easy prey, they immediately assume you’re inferior to them, beneath them, damaged goods, mentally deficient, someone to be ostracized from the pack, someone to be treated with the utmost contempt, etc, – and they will use your misfortune to draw the attention of others away from their own personal faults, and defects, – usually in a very condescending, belittling, spiteful manner, – it’s awful, truly awful, but I’ve lived with it ever since I became bald, – [thus exposing my malformed cranium] – and that was about 25 years ago. Still, it hurts when it happens, and even though I soon recover, I always feel it sets me back a little, I don’t dwell on it, I just have an exceptionally good memory of all my experiences, both positive and negative. I will add, even though I’ve had pretty much zero confidence all my life, I have learnt to be relatively fearless, and also how to keep my composure [most of the time] via just such negative encounters, plus other experiences too, – [always better to use negative situations as learning tools, rather than just unpleasant memories.] Nothing scares me anymore, not even death, – but I still occasionally manage to let people get under my skin, but never for very long, – as I know the dangers of dwelling on the negative all too well.

It’s not something that depresses me, but being a shy, hypersensitive introvert with zero confidence and, what is now essentially dormant-anxiety, – [all traits that no longer show strong visible signs btw, I think?] – it’s something that makes me very self conscious in the moment, because I know I’m not just getting paranoid when I think people are talking about me behind my back, because they are, I’m their target, somehow, I’m making them feel safer/better/higher in status, but that’s just the natural order of things I guess, the *beast inside, the animalistic pecking order of a savage society, and all that.

– [* According to a study, about 10 years ago iirc, it was discovered that around 80% to 85% of the world’s population judge people, almost entirely by their physical appearance, just like packs of animals do in nature.., – and in a completely unrelated paper I read on self awareness, – [by Harvard Business School] – only around 10% to 15% of the world’s population are genuinely self-aware, – which I found very telling.]

If however I do get caught in a futile game of self-torture, and my mind gets infected by the malicious, diseased mind of another, I will often use weed as a way to defrag and remove any viruses and malware from my own internal hard drive, – if you know what I mean?

I know I probably judge my physical appearance too harshly, but you might be surprised by just how many uncompassionate, unmindful assholes there are out there. There are good people also, I live an easy life, – retired early, – my mum’s an angel, who spent most of her working life looking after severely disabled children, I have three older brothers who sort me out with cars, laptops, etc, I’ve had many relationships, especially from my early teens to my late 30’s, and a close friend/associate who grows his own and he doesn’t charge me anything, I just help him harvest when I can. – Oh, did I mention, I also have osteoarthritis in my knees and suffered a serious spinal injury about 4 years ago, but the Tramadol eases that, it’s also a very good recreational substance, – if not abused.

Perhaps now, some of my previous posts might make more sense, I don’t now?

Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m very happy and content at this moment in time, that’s probably what’s giving me the strength to confront this subject in public, so to speak. And, I’m glad I’m me, congenital-malformations included, as due to the contempt I’ve received over the last couple of decades, due to my appearance, – [and occasionally my awkward behaviour] – the unmindful responses to my physical defects, etc, from others has helped shape my thinking and feelings in ways other people couldn’t possibly imagine, I have learnt more about myself, and how others minds work, in the last 15 years, than I ever knew before, and I draw much solace from that, and… and I would say all those experiences have made me a *better person, he says with a tear in his eye, but it’s true…

– [* They’ve made me a better person because I don’t have to judge people, – [not that I ever did] – as they judge themselves for me by the way they react to my appearance, – and my awkward behaviours, – some are very accepting, but many aren’t. – That’s why I often wear a hat or beanie, as most of the time I don’t want to deal with people showing me who they truly are 24/7, it gets quite energy draining, it would be energy draining for anyone, all the unmindful ones showing their true colours constantly, – and yes the unwarranted stares and whispers are sadly that frequent.]

I don’t want any comments or support, I’m fine, I’m just putting this out there to get it off my chest, my skinny, boney and ever-so slightly buckled chest, but that’s another story…

And obviously, so many people are far worse off than me, but I’m not them, I’m just me.