x[corrosiveabuser]

– narcissism 101 ?

When younger, up to my mid 20’s I guess, [before I started losing my hair, and my lifestyle choices had yet to start catching up with me.., physically/facially] – I was actually considered a ‘pretty boy’, and I looked extremely feminine. People, girls in particular, would occasionally comment on my smooth, pale, rounded/roundish face, skinny frame, and big brown eyes, – I didn’t even start growing stubble, of any note, until my late 20’s. I went to an all boys school, but was the only one with long hair, like down to my trousers long, so I really stuck out. I got on with everyone at school, [except some of the teachers] – I was considered a bit of a druggie, – although I was only smoking hashish/solid at 14, – and I was also viewed as a wild card too, – as I had a problem with authority, but that probably had more to do with my autism than anything else.., although the kids at school didn’t know I had autism, they just thought I was ‘different’. I would just come and go as I liked, if I didn’t fancy a class, or a particular day, I’d just arrive late, sign the late book, walk back out of school, jump on a train to London, and spend the day walking around all the record shops located in Soho, Oxford street, etc, sometimes even jump on the Tube and travel over to Spin-Off Records over in Hammersmith. – I essentially left school at 14, and started working in the kitchen of an Indian friend’s father’s Indian restaurant, [thank you Mr Rahman, and Moshi]

– During my heavy clubbing days, random male individuals would sometimes approach me, and start trying to chat me up, – which, due to age and physical wear and tear, would be unimaginable theses days, – but it never bothered me, I was very aware I looked extremely androgynous/feminine, and also very young for my age, so after a while I came to expect the occasional misunderstanding, especially in the dark, sweatbox style clubs/venues we used to frequent.

I had girlfriends when younger, and never doubted my sexuality, but once I realised just how energy draining it was putting all that effort into longterm relationships, – relationships that I honestly never really saw any longterm future in, due to my radically different way of thinking about.., everything, – I kind of lost interest in the concept of being part of a pair, and plus I’ve always had a very, very low libido. I wasn’t ‘hooking up’ with girls the way all my ‘Alpha’ male type friends were, or for the same apparent reasons. Plus, I don’t do mood swings, drama, talking about people behind their backs, manipulation, etc, and I just found most relationships came with all that kind of baggage.

– The loss of hair, longterm physical effects of drugs, chain-smoking, etc, and the overall strain of living I endured for an extended period of time, really changed my appearance, – like a complete 180, iykwim. I’m sure no one could possibly mistake me for a girl these days.

Still, by using a few cheap hairpieces and some radical, heavy filtering, I’ve tried to recapture the looks of that youthful, androgynous weirdo, – in order to bolster the words, regarding some of my inner sensitivities and emotions expressed throughout this blog. – I know for a fact that, in public, most people these days just see me as an awkward, gormless, rough faced, mentally deficient, misanthropic, skinhead/druggie-type, and while that couldn’t be further from the truth.., mostly, – it has its advantages, especially for an introvert like me who loathes small talk, with overly judgemental types, or people I know I have absolutely nothing in common with, – as I feel like I’m not only wasting my time, but theirs too, and that just leaves me feeling even more awkward than I usually do.

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